Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Done Deal
Rupert Murdoch has finally closed the deal to buy Wall Street Journal parent Dow Jones. It's a move that would infuriate liberals... if any of them actually read the Wall Street Journal.

Baseball Milestones
It could be a big night for baseball as Tom Glavine goes for his 300th win, Barry Bonds tries to tie Hank Aaron for the home run crown, and Alex Rodriguez goes for homer number 500... it all depends on whether they're all comfortable sharing a steroid needle.

Ethics Bill
A new bill which bans members of Congress from accepting most types of gifts and trips from lobbyists is expected to easily pass this week... which means most members of Congress are planning to retire by the end of this year.

Experts say the new bill will remove the veil of secrecy that covers the day-to-day workings of the U.S. Congress... but not as much as when that Madame released her client list.

Sex Survey
Scholars at the University of Texas have catalogued 37 different reasons why people have sex. They include love, infatuation, and because it gets damn cold in Minnesota.

Election Issues
A new Gallup Poll says that running against the war in Iraq is "not exactly a winning issue" for the Democrats. The only winning issue for the Democrats is running against the Republicans.

Dodger-Yankee Deal
The Los Angeles Dodgers have sent talented infielder Wilson Betemit to the New York Yankees. In return, L.A. gets shaky relief pitcher Scott Proctor and a year's supply of prozac.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Vick Case Slammed
The president of the Atlanta chapter of the NAACP is criticizing the dog fighting prosecution of Michael Vick, saying the government is "piling on." I wonder if he would be saying that if the dogs had been black.

Paris Disinherited
Paris Hilton's grandfather is reportedly revoking her $60 million inheritance. Looks like she's going to have to make a lot more "accidental" sex tapes.

Paris Disinherited II
Paris Hilton's grandfather is reportedly revoking her $60 million inheritance. The next season of "The Simple Life" will focus on Paris' attempts to learn how to file for welfare.

Roberts Fall
Chief Justice John Roberts has been taken to a hospital after falling at his summer home. Roberts is said to be in good condition and is reportedly looking into reversing all his decisions that limited the jury awards on accident lawsuits.

Gore Pleads
Al Gore III has pleaded guilty to drug possession charges stemming from his arrest earlier in July. Gore admits that taking the drugs was the only way he could get through watching those Live Earth concerts.

Car Heat Sensors
Some car companies are selling special sensors that can keep kids from being left alone in dangerously hot cars. The sensors measure the car's temperature, the amount of air in the car, and whether or not the kids' parents are total idiots.

Bush-Brown Meeting
During their first meeting today, President Bush and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown discussed the U.K's plans to leave Iraq. Mr, Bush made it clear that if Britain leaves early, it will forfeit its security deposit.

More Hurricanes
A new study shows that the number of hurricanes has doubled in the last 100 years. The increase is being attributed to global warming, jet stream shifts, and the secret "ratings-making weather machine" CNN activates every September.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Iraqi Soccer Win
Iraq defeated Saudi Arabia, 1-0, to win the Asian Football Cup Championship Sunday. The triumph set off massive celebrations by both Iraqi soccer fans and the al Qaeda operatives looking forward to suicide bombing the victory parade.

Iraqi Soccer Win II
Iraq defeated Saudi Arabia, 1-0, to win the Asian Football Cup Championship Sunday. Not only was it the first significant sporting victory in Iraqi history, it was the first Arab soccer match since 2001 where the ball didn't eventually explode.

Huge Ketchup Packet
The town of Collinsville, Illinois has filled an 8-foot-tall, 4-foot-wide plastic pouch with 1,500 pounds of ketchup for a school fundraiser. Of course, with a town full of idiots wasting their time creating a huge ketchup packet, it's really not clear what good the schools can really do.

Huge Ketchup Packet II
The town of Collinsville, Illinois has filled an 8-foot-tall, 4-foot-wide plastic pouch with 1,500 pounds of ketchup. The only trouble is, no one in Collinsville knows how to make a 1,500 pound hamburger.

Tour de France Winner
Alberto Contador of Spain won the Tour de France by just 23 seconds over Australian Cadel Evans Sunday. Now if Contador could just give Barry Bonds his steroids back, Bonds might break the home run record sometime this week.

Chicago Mob Trial
Three alleged leaders of Chicago-area organized crime families are currently on trial for murder, extortion, loan sharking and concluding a popular TV series with a confusing and unsatisfactory ending.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Vick Pleads
Despite having what most experts believe is a very weak defense, Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick has pleaded not guilty to dog fighting charges. It's the same wisdom Vick uses on the field when he routinely goes up against 380-pound defensive linemen without a blocker.

Market Falls
The Dow Jones plunged 311 points Thursday as mortgage fears hit hundreds of thousands of Americans who have only been using their homes for dog fighting.

Shuttle Astronauts Drunk?
A new report claims astronauts have been flying shuttle missions while drunk... well, it's not like there are any traffic cops up there.

Shuttle Astronauts Drunk? II
A new report claims astronauts have been flying shuttle missions while drunk on several occasions... so I guess all this time, Lindsay Lohan has just been trying to get into NASA!

Shuttle Astronauts Drunk? III
A new report claims astronauts have been flying shuttle missions while drunk... well you HAVE to be drunk to want to go up in one of those things!

Raul Fills In
Fidel Castro's brother Raul led Cuba's Revolution Day celebrations Thursday. Fidel is too busy trying to get Michael Moore to find him a room in a decent American hospital.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Gas Explosions
A series of gas explosions in Dallas has left three people injured. But since this is Texas, rescue crews are just working to save the gas.

Chrysler Deal Delayed
Chrysler is postponing its $12 billion corporate bond deal. Like most other things produced by Chrysler, it's currently in the shop.

Veteran Care
The U.S. Senate has approved several medical care improvements for veterans. Congress is finally recognizing that former soldiers deserve better attention, mostly because a lot of them are still armed.

Fred's Top Aide Quits
The chief of staff for Fred Thompson's still unofficial presidential campaign has resigned. He decided to take the much more challenging and lucrative job as Lindsay Lohan's image consultant.

Muslim Terror Poll
A new survey shows that support for terrorism in the Muslim world is falling... well, that's what the survey was showing before Muslim terrorists killed the pollsters.

Churchill Fired
The University of Colorado has fired Professor Ward Churchill, who once compared 9/11 victims to Nazis. But Churchill has been offered another job at the school, as a tackling dummy for the football team.

Bruno Outraged
Upon hearing the news that Governor Eliot Spitzer's aides spied on him, New York Senate Majority Leader Joseph Bruno is reacting with outrage... mostly because he didn't think of doing it first.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Lohan Busted
Just days after leaving rehab, Lindsay Lohan has been arrested and charged with drunk driving and cocaine possession in Santa Monica. After seeing what it did for Paris Hilton's image, Lohan obviously has decided she needs a few weeks in jail.

Vick Barred
Michael Vick has been ordered to stay away from Falcons training camp while the NFL conducts its own investigation into his alleged dog fighting operation. Meanwhile, the NBA is looking into charges that some of the dog fights may have been refereed by Tim Donaghy.

Zahn Leaving
Paula Zahn has announced her departure from CNN. In order to improve ratings during her 8PM slot, CNN is replacing her with a test pattern.

Dow Drops
DuPont was the biggest loser as the Dow Jones lost more than 200 points Tuesday. Investors are worried that DuPont is being beaten in the competitive dangerous chemical market by Chinese pet food manufacturers.

MySpace Sex Offenders
MySpace says it's helped police identify more than 29,000 sex offenders on it site. Usually to make that many sex crime busts, the cops have to visit the Neverland Ranch.

Starbucks Raises Prices
Starbucks is raising prices for its coffee and other drinks by 9 cents, citing rising dairy costs, minimum wage hikes, and the fact that it's always been very jealous of Exxon.

Northwest Cancellations
Due to a labor dispute-related pilot shortage, Northwest Airlines is cancelling a huge number of flights today. If they're lucky, today's Northwest passengers will be informed by Friday.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Potter Book Record
8.3 million copies of the final Harry Potter book were sold in the first 24 hours after its release this weekend... an amazing feat since there's never more than one register open at Barnes and Noble.

Selig Won't Celebrate
Even if he is present when Barry Bonds breaks the home run record, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig says he will not celebrate the accomplishment. But that's only because jumping up and down really ruins his hairpiece.

Tammy Faye Dies
Tammy Faye Messner died Saturday just one day after doing an interview with Larry King. Usually, the only people who die are the ones who've just watched Larry King.

Vick Protests
Dozens protesters marched outside Atlanta Falcons headquarters Monday afternoon demanding the team release Michael Vick. Police assumed the protesters were animal rights activists, but when they became violent it was obvious they were actually just Eagles' fans.

Sleep Patterns
Doctros say that parents should recognize and respect their baby's natural rhythms and establish good bedtime habits early on. So I guess taking my 2-year-old to the midnight Rocky Horror Picture Show was a bad idea?

Brown to CNN
CNN hired anchor Campbell Brown of NBC News, one day after she announced she was leaving Weekend Today. By hiring Brown, CNN proves its continuing commitment to lighten the workload at the Manhattan unemployment office.

YouTube Debate
CNN is hosting tonight's Democratic presidential debate in South Carolina, featuring questions submitted by ordinary Americans via YouTube. Usually, CNN only gets its on-air material from people fired by NBC.

Many people are questioning the wisdom of using YouTube to generate all the questions in a presidential debate. But it's not any dumber than hosting an even in South Carolina in July.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Bush Colonoscopy
President Bush is in excellent condition after undergoing a colonoscopy Saturday. Doctors says doing a colonoscopy on President Bush is kind of like listening to what he has to say in a press conference.

Bush Colonoscopy II
Doctors removed seven small polyps from President Bush's colon, and said that "none appeared worrisome"... but despite that analysis from experts in the field, Senate Democrats are demanding that the President surrender his colon by September.

NBA Ref Accused
An NBA referee is under investigation for betting on basketball games, including ones he officiated. The scandal is potentially devastating to the reputation of the NBA, which has prided itself on being a league of deadbeat dads.

NBA Ref Accused II
An NBA referee is under investigation for betting on basketball games, including ones he officiated. But no matter how many games may have been fixed, the Knicks still completely suck.

"24" Goes Green
The producers of the hit show "24" have announced the production will be more environmentally friendly in the future... which means Jack Bauer will be only be blowing up oil companies from now on.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday

Vick's Future
Michael Vick's federal indictment on dog fighting charges will surely cost him millions of dollars in product endorsements. But he did just win the job to plug a new line of imported poison Chinese dog food.

Plame Case Dismissed
A federal judge has dismissed a lawsuit by outed CIA employee Valerie Plame and her husband against Vice President Dick Cheney and other top Bush administration officials. The judge said Plame failed to show why the case should be heard in federal court, or on CNN for that matter.

Explosion Aftermath
Wednesday's underground massive steam pipe explosion in midtown Manhattan has displaced thousands of New Yorkers. Unfortunately, most of the newly-homeless rats are just too big to live in those FEMA trailers.

Potter Crowds
Thousands of people worldwide are expected to jam bookstores at midnight tomorrow to get their hands on the final Harry Potter book. This will also serve as a reunion for all the idiots who lined up for the iPhone two weeks ago.

Sopranos Nominations
Despite its puzzling final episode, "The Sopranos" has received 15 Emmy nominations. The voters wanted to get the writers in front of the huge crowd at the award ceremony, so everyone gets a chance to beat the Hell out of them.

Price is Right Search
CBS is still trying to find a host to replace Bob Barker on "The Price is Right." The network executives aren't sure which candidate they want to take the job, but like most Americans, they do know they no longer like John McCain.

Chinese Economy
China’s 11.9% annual rate of growth raised fears that the economy is overheating. But if the growing worldwide demand for poisonous toothpaste and pet food doesn't subside, there may be little anyone can do about it.

Hillary Poll
The latest New York Times/CBS News poll shows that most Americans think Hillary Clinton is a good role model for women... especially women who can't tell the truth.