NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday



Vick's Future
Michael Vick's federal indictment on dog fighting charges will surely cost him millions of dollars in product endorsements. But he did just win the job to plug a new line of imported poison Chinese dog food.


Plame Case Dismissed
A federal judge has dismissed a lawsuit by outed CIA employee Valerie Plame and her husband against Vice President Dick Cheney and other top Bush administration officials. The judge said Plame failed to show why the case should be heard in federal court, or on CNN for that matter.



Explosion Aftermath
Wednesday's underground massive steam pipe explosion in midtown Manhattan has displaced thousands of New Yorkers. Unfortunately, most of the newly-homeless rats are just too big to live in those FEMA trailers.



Potter Crowds
Thousands of people worldwide are expected to jam bookstores at midnight tomorrow to get their hands on the final Harry Potter book. This will also serve as a reunion for all the idiots who lined up for the iPhone two weeks ago.



Sopranos Nominations
Despite its puzzling final episode, "The Sopranos" has received 15 Emmy nominations. The voters wanted to get the writers in front of the huge crowd at the award ceremony, so everyone gets a chance to beat the Hell out of them.



Price is Right Search
CBS is still trying to find a host to replace Bob Barker on "The Price is Right." The network executives aren't sure which candidate they want to take the job, but like most Americans, they do know they no longer like John McCain.



Chinese Economy
China’s 11.9% annual rate of growth raised fears that the economy is overheating. But if the growing worldwide demand for poisonous toothpaste and pet food doesn't subside, there may be little anyone can do about it.



Hillary Poll
The latest New York Times/CBS News poll shows that most Americans think Hillary Clinton is a good role model for women... especially women who can't tell the truth.