Monday, August 31, 2009

Sex Tourism Bust
U.S. prosecutors are charging three American men who allegedly ran a "sex tourism" site in Cambodia. Hey, if running a remote underage sex operation is a crime, I guess they're also going to have to arrest everyone in charge at Arizona State.

Florida Loses People
New estimates show Florida's population lost a net 58,000 people this year... but most them probably just got lost between the bathroom and the buffet table at the Olive Garden.

Disney-Marvel Deal
Disney has purchased comic book giant Marvel Entertainment for $4 billion. This will allow Donald Duck to complete his look by borrowing the Incredible Hulk's ripped jean shorts.

Dying in Montana
Montana is putting the right to die in its state constitution. This is seen as a salvation to the chronically ill, the very elderly, and everyone hoping to avoid the pain of those raucous health care town hall meetings.

Prostate Study
A new study shows that prostate cancer is over-diagnosed. It's not surprising since thousands of men in San Francisco line up for daily prostate exams at their doctor's office.

September 1st

1715: King Louis XIV of France dies after a reign of 72 years—the longest of any major European monarch; truly a remarkable achievement, especially since he never bathed.

1752: The Liberty Bell arrives in Philadelphia... to a chorus of boos from the locals.

1870: In the Franco-Prussian War, the Battle of Sedan is fought, fought by the Battle of the Convertible, the Battle of the Station Wagon, and the Battle of the SUV.

1902: A Trip to the Moon, the first science fiction film, is released in France. The movie is groundbreaking as it helps the world figure out who was a geek in the early 20th century.

1905: Alberta and Saskatchewan join the Canadian confederation. They actually were just trying to get into a pickup hockey game, but they stick around anyway.

1939: Nazi Germany attacks Poland, beginning the war in Europe. Even though it doesn't exist yet, the League of Nations passes a resolution condemning Israel.

1970: Attempted assassination of King Hussein of Jordan by Palestinian guerillas, who attacked his motorcade. The U.N. passes a resolution condemning Israel.

1980: Terry Fox's Marathon of Hope ends in Thunder Bay, Ontario. The Canadian government passes a resolution condemning Israel.

1991: Uzbekistan declares independence from the Soviet Union... and asks for all its CD's and records back.

Big Deal
Baker Hughes is buying BJ Services for $5.5 billion. That seems overpriced since some woman on 10th Ave. just offered me a BJ service for $50.

Lost in Space
India has ended its unmanned moon mission after failed attempts to regain contact with the orbiter. The space craft is actually still functioning, it's just that it having trouble understanding those Indian women from tech support.

California Wildfires
A massive wildfire is threatening 12,000 homes north of Los Angeles. But more importantly, the blazes may delay the Michael Jackson homicide investigation.

A massive wildfire is buring north of Los Angeles. The blaze is feeding off of dried brush, high winds, and thousands of worthless California IOU's.

Journalists Graded
A new report shows that a public relations firm assessed journalists' work before the military embedded them with troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. It was actually a safety issue as the Pentagon needed to know which TV anchormen wore the kind hair gel that could ignite during a mortar attack.

August 31

1422: Henry VI, becomes King of England at the age of 9 months. Executions are common on days when he doesn't nap.

1803: Lewis and Clark start their expedition to the west by leaving Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The trip is immediately cut short when they realize they left their GPS back at the hotel.

1897: Thomas Edison patents the Kinetoscope, the first movie projector. Legally, this means he can be held criminally responsible for Kevin Costner's career.

1980: Zimbabwe establishes diplomatic relations with Algeria. Algeria breaks up with Sudan.

1991: Kyrgyzstan declares its independence from the Soviet Union and begins its search for more vowels.

Friday, August 28, 2009

August 30th

1835: Melbourne, Australia is founded. (No one really cares about this, but maybe you can use this as an excuse for a half-price drink at Outback Steakhouse).

1963: Hotline between U.S. and Soviet leaders goes into operation. It costs $1.50 for the first minute, and $0.75 for each additional minute.

1967: Thurgood Marshall is confirmed as the first African American Justice of the United States Supreme Court. Unfortunately, none of his future decisions are as good as something a wise Latina could have come up with.

August 29th

1756: Frederick the Great attacks Saxony, beginning the Seven Years' War... which strangely lasts 4 years.

1786: Shays' Rebellion, an armed uprising of Massachusetts farmers, begins in response to high debt and tax burdens. Being from Massachusetts, the farmers naturally were demanding even higher taxes.

1911: Ishi, considered the last Native American to make contact with European Americans, emerges from the wilderness of northeastern California. He immediately offers them $10 in free chips and tax-free cigarettes.

1991: The Supreme Soviet of the Soviet Union suspends all activities of the Soviet Communist Party... until they are re-activated by Barack Obama in the United States 18 years later.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

President Obama is busy working on Ted Kennedy's obituary, luckily he has a lot of practice because he's been writing the nation's obituary since he took office in January.

Replacing Teddy
Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick wants to change state law to appoint a replacement for Ted Kennedy because, "Massachusetts needs two voices in the Senate." But it already has that because John Kerry has been speaking out of both sides of his mouth for decades.

Wildfire Evacuations
Because of some wildfires, about 1,500 people have been ordered to evacuate the wealthy seaside community of Rancho Palos Verdes, California. Usually, the only thing that gets that many rich people to abandon their homes is higher property taxes.

Cable Merger
The entertainment world is buzzing over surprising reports that A&E and Lifetime may merge. That's almost as shocking as another report showing that there is a straight man somewhere in America who watches A&E and Lifetime.

Soldiers to School
Colleges across the country are getting an influx of veterans as a result of the Post-9/11 GI Bill. It's not clear what will be a bigger shock for the former soldiers, co-ed dorms or the fact that most of their professors are more anti-American than the Taliban.

August 28th

1565: St. Augustine, Florida, is established. It is the oldest surviving European settlement in the United States... and it currently houses some of the oldest surviving people in the United States.

1913: Queen Wilhelmina opens the Peace Palace... several people beat each other up for the right to enter first.

1996: Charles, Prince of Wales and Diana, Princess of Wales are divorced. Neither claim custody of Charles' ears.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Bernanke Victimized
Newsweek is reporting that Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke was the victim of identity theft in 2008. It turns out a bunch of big banks used his name to charge the taxpayers for a $700 billion bailout.

CIA Morale
With possible torture indictments on the way, morale is reportedly very low at the CIA. In fact, terrorism suspects being wiretapped say they can overhear the agents sighing and weeping every time they use their phone.

Discovery Delay
A damaged valve is delaying the launch of the Shuttle Discovery for another week. One more week and NASA will trade Discovery in for a $4.5 billion rebate in the "Cash for Clunker Shuttles" program.

Xbox Price Cut
Microsoft is cutting the price of its Xbox 360 by $100. Most X-Box users plan to use the extra money to buy their first clothes without Star Wars characters on them.

Kennedy Replacement
People in Massachusetts are clamoring for a fast replacement for Ted Kennedy's Senate seat... just as soon as the Red Sox get a decent closer.

August 27th

479 BC: Greco-Persian Wars: Persian forces led by Mardonius are routed by Pausanias, the Spartan commander of the Greek army in the Battle of Plataea. More importantly, everyone there was gay.

410 BC: The sacking of Rome by the Visigoths ends after three days. The Romans are then forced to punt.

1859: Petroleum is discovered in Titusville, Pennsylvania. The locals immediately construct a convenience store right on the site.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Teddy Dead
Senator Ted Kennedy has died at the age of 77. Funeral plans are not set, but it's a pretty good bet there won't be a burial at sea.

Senator Ted Kennedy has died at the age of 77. Bartenders and hookers from Massachusetts to Washington, D.C. have already applied for a federal bailout.

Kennedy's closest friends say his death has deprived him of accomplishing what he called the 'cause of my life.' It's not clear if that was universal health insurance or getting a $3 wings and shooters special at Hooters.

Doctors say Kennedy's brain cancer became more aggressive in recent weeks, and Kennedy lost his will to fight back when he heard beer prices have gone up nationwide in recent weeks.

The sad news is Ted Kennedy has died. The sadder news is his burial site is being prepared by the same people responsible for the "Big Dig."

Veil-Stripping Ruling
Michigan's Supreme Court has ruled that lower court judges can legally require Muslim women to removed their head coverings during trials. Most Muslims have refused to do so on the grounds that removing the veils will make it harder for them to forget that they're in Michigan.

Postal Buyouts
The US Postal Service is offering $15,000 to workers who quit or retire by the end of this year. The only trouble will be trying to find someone at the post office who is actually working.

Postal Buyouts II
The U.S. Postal Service is offering early retirement buyouts to tens of thousands of employees. If there's any justice in this world, all of those retirees will have to line up to get their checks at the one window at the post office where there actually is an attendant.

August 26th

1862: In the American Civil War, the Second Battle of Bull Run begins. Unfortunately, it does not do as well at the opening weekend box office as the original.

1939: The first Major League Baseball game is telecast, a doubleheader between the Cincinnati Reds and the Brooklyn Dodgers at Ebbets Field. Midway through the second inning, millions of TV viewers realize baseball sucks without peanuts and hot dogs.

1970: The the new feminist movement, led by Betty Friedan, leads a nation-wide Women's Strike for Equality. Nobody gets any for three weeks.

1996: Bill Clinton signs welfare reform into law, thus relieving the U.S. government from continuing to support his thousands of illegitimate children.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Madoff Not Sick
The federal bureau of prisons says Bernie Madoff is not suffering from cancer. The statement was made after Madoff underwent extensive tests, which included all of his cell block mates checking him for colon cancer.

H1N1 Vaccines
The good news is the government says there will be enough swine flu vaccines this fall. The bad news is the guy giving all the injections will be Michael Jackson's doctor.

Doctor Death
A new report blames Michael Jackson's doctor Conrad Murray is responsible for the singer's death. But prosecutors are willing to let him go if he starts a primary care practice that actually accepts new patients.

Ben Again
President Obama is renominating Bush-appointee Ben Bernanke for another term as Chairman of the Federal Reserve. The White House decided to stay with Bernanke because the process of choosing a new chairman would not be carbon neutral.

Clunker Jobs
The White House says 42,000 jobs were saved or created by the "cash for clunkers" program. That's 100 decent auto manufacturing jobs, and 41,900 new bureaucrats hired to tell us the program was a success.

August 25th

1910: The Yellow Cab Co. is founded on the principles of providing convient automobile cab service for all Americans loving below 125th Street.

1916: The United States National Park Service is created in the hopes of giving Boy Scout leaders a safe and beautiful place to molest children.

1944: Paris is liberated by the Allies. The Freed French citizens immediately ask the American and British troops to stop making so much noise before noon.

CIA Tactics
A new report says that CIA interrogators threatened an al Qaeda prisoner with a gun and an electric drill to try to scare him into giving up information. Another new report says that no one in America gives a damn.

Islam's Greatest Hits, Vol. 2,256
A Malaysian model is set to become the first woman to be caned in that country for breaking Islamic law and drinking beer in public. American women's rights groups would try to intervene, but they're too busy calling town hall protesters racists and Nazis to do anything about it.

Student Privacy Concern
Privacy advocates are demanding that colleges stop sharing student contact information with outside sources. The students would protest themselves, but they're too busy putting up half-nude pictures of themselves on Facebook.

Jenkins Found Dead
Ryan Alexander Jenkins, the reality TV contestant suspected in his wife's brutal slaying, was found hanging from a coat rack in a motel room last night. The discovery comes as a tough blow to the people of Libya, who were planning on giving him a hero's welcome.

Madoff Cancer?
Bernie Madoff has reportedly been telling his fellow inmates that he has cancer and does not have much longer to live... but that's standard federal prisoner procedure before you get gang-raped.

Madoff Cancer II?
Bernie Madoff has reportedly been telling his fellow inmates that he has cancer and does not have much longer to live... considering how many Jews he's victimized, he's probably just trying to get an early release and a hero's welcome in Libya.

August 24th

79: Mount Vesuvius erupts. The cities of Pompeii, Herculaneum, and Stabiae are buried in volcanic ash. The victims are still trying to collect their homeowners insurance.

1456: The printing of the Gutenberg Bible is completed. It is immediately put in the night table drawer at the nearest hotel.

1989: Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose is banned from baseball for gambling and distracting his players from taking steroids.

2006: The International Astronomical Union declares that Pluto is too small to be a planet. Pluto becomes self-conscious and blows thousands in shady "male enhancement" products.

Friday, August 21, 2009

August 23rd

1966: Lunar Orbiter 1 takes the first photographs of Earth from the Moon. Unfortunately the pictures cannot be used because they are of a female ESPN reporter disrobing in her hotel room.

1979: Soviet dancer Alexander Godunov defects to the United States. He is immediately mistaken for a shirtless bartender at Studio 54.

1990: West Germany and East Germany announce that they will unite on October 3. They register at Macy's and Crate & Barrel.

August 22nd

1654: Jacob Barsimson arrives in New Amsterdam and becomes the first Jewish immigrant to America. He gets back on the boat when he discovers he won't be able to get decent bagels for at least another 225 years.

1932: The BBC first experiments with television broadcasting... and they're going to keep experimenting until they get it right!

1962: An attempt to assassinate French president Charles de Gaulle fails as the would-be killers realize no one would notice if he died.

1989: The first ring of Neptune is discovered. Like most lost rings, it was accidentally flushed down the toilet.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Welcome Home!
The Libyan terrorist responsible for the bombing of Pan Am flight 103 was treated to a hero's welcome in Tripoli yesterday. He was presented with flowers, cheered in the streets, and was allowed to throw the honorary first stone at the honor killing of his niece.

Neverland Rides
The amusement park rides from Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch are now being used at the California State Fair, but the special rules still apply: boys under 14 ride free, and kids willing to stay on the rides longer can sue Jackson's estate for $14 million.

Powerball Winner
Lottery officials say the lone $259.9M Powerball ticket was sold in South Carolina. The chances of someone from South Carolina winning the jackpot were 1 in 15 billion, but the chances of the winner being one of Governor Mark Sanford's girlfriends were 1 in 3.

Anti-Drinking Push
The NFL says one of its top priorities this season will be to eliminate binge drinking among fans... and this is why the league is eliminating the Cleveland Browns.

Anti-Drinking Push II
The NFL says one of its top priorities this season will be to eliminate binge drinking among fans. Each of the teams is pledging to help by continuing to charge $15 for a cup of warm beer at every stadium.

August 21st

1878: The American Bar Association is founded in hopes of giving people from all over the country with no ethics a place to gather and talk.

1911: The Mona Lisa is stolen by a Louvre employee... but he has to give it back when he realizes he can't sell it because eBay hasn't been invented yet.

1959: President Dwight D. Eisenhower signs an executive order proclaiming Hawaii the 50th state of the union. It was either that or recognize Puerto Rico.

1993: NASA loses contact with the Mars Observer spacecraft. It might have helped if NASA paid its cell phone bills.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Afghan Elections
Turnout is very low in today's presidential elections in Afghanistan... mostly because all the would-be voters are too busy attending health care town halls.

CIA Outsourcing
New reports show that the CIA hired contractors from Blackwater USA to locate and assassinate top Al Qaeda operatives. It wasn't because the CIA agents couldn't do the killings themselves, it's just that as federal employees none of them wanted to take any risks before they could collect their pensions.

Credit Card Changes
New rules kick in today that force credit card companies to provide more information and help for consumers. From now on whenever you get your bill, there will be a clearly printed telephone number where you can get in touch with one of those new government "end of life" counseling panels.

Lockerbie Bomber Freed
Scotland is releasing one of the Muslim terrorists who carried out the Pan Am 103 bombing because he is gravely ill. So now instead of dying behind bars, he'll die while he sits in British hospital waiting room hoping to see a doctor before 2011.

Hedge Fund Bet
A big hedge fund is betting that price of natural gas will more than triple this winter. To back up that bet, the fund is keeping supplies down by banning its employees from eating at Taco Bell.

August 20th

1866: President Andrew Johnson formally declares the American Civil War over. The cast of Hee Haw still begs to differ.

1882: Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture debuts in Moscow. A Russian worker only 70 years late? Not bad!

1991: More than 100,000 people rally outside the Soviet Union's parliament building protesting the coup aiming to depose President Mikhail Gorbachev. The stench from the crowd is palatable as far away as Milwaukee.

1998: The Supreme Court of Canada rules that Quebec cannot legally secede from Canada without the federal government's approval... or at least teaching everyone else in Canada how to make a decent croissant.