Lott Wins
Senator Trent Lott won the election Wednesday to become the new Senate Minority Whip... but he turned down the position when he learned it doesn't give him the right to actually whip any black people.

Bush Meets Putin
President Bush briefly met with Russian President Vladimir Putin at a Moscow airport Wednesday. Ironically, the two world leaders most associated with fighting terrorism spent the entire 15-minute meeting complaining about the long security lines.

Male Menopause
According to a new report, men also experience a version of menopause, which is characterized by declining fertility, depression, and the need to wear loud golf shirts at home and work.

Male Menopause II
According to a new report, men also experience a version of menopause, which is characterized by declining fertility, depression, and a desire to run for Congress.

French Space Launch
The French space agency will soon launch the first satellite dedicated solely to seeking out new planets beyond our solar system. If they find anything, maybe the people on those planets will understand the French.

Anne Frank Tree
The Amsterdam City Council says the old chestnut tree visible from Anne Frank's attic window as she hid from the Nazis during World War II, is rotten and must be cut down. In a related story, all of Europe hates the Jews again.

Catholic Vote
America's Roman Catholic bishops voted overwhelmingly Tuesday calling on gay and lesbian Catholics to remain celibate, and for married Catholics to reject artificial contraception. They also passed resolutions in favor of black and white TV's and rotary dial phones.

Ney Name Removed
After he was convicted for his role in the Jack Abramoff scandal, Ohio University has begun the process of removing former Congressman Bob Ney's name from a building on campus. The freshmen pledges at Delta Chi have promised to steal the sign before the end of "Hell Week."

Porn Sites
According to a government study, only one percent of Web sites indexed by Google and Microsoft are sexually explicit. So I guess that means no one is using the other 99% of the Internet.

Oprah Snubbed
Oprah Winfrey was not invited to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding in Italy. Well, neither was the real Katie Holmes.

L.A. Air Quality
A new study says special effects explosions, idling vehicles, and teams of workers building huge sets in Hollywood contribute to Los Angeles' poor air quality. In other words: the movies stink.