Torch in China
The Olympic torch has arrived in Beijing. It will now be taken all across China, where it will be used to set protesters on fire.



Vytorin Trial Shocker
New trials show that the anti-cholesterol drug Vytorin does not actually reduce heart disease... well, it's hard to stop people from having heart attacks when they see how much the damn drug costs.



Jackson Quitting
Housing and Urban Development Secretary Alphonso Jackson is resigning. He wanted to keep working to fix the housing market, but realized it would be a lot more fun buying up foreclosed homes for a fraction of the price.



Bill Says Fight On
Former President Bill Clinton says the continuing battle between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton is good for the Democratic party, because "conflict can be exciting and good,"... he also likes it when a woman plays hard to get.



Player Arrested
High school basketball phenom Al-Farouq Aminu was arrested Friday on charges of aggravated assault and trespassing... wow, he really is ready for the NBA!