Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Whatever Happened to Heathcliff the Cat?

5) Overdosed on some bad Friskies at a Phish concert in '97

4) Garfield writers successfully pushed him off most funny pages after bundling their strip with Internet Explorer

3) Keeping a low profile ever since that Hello Kitty slut gave him herpes

2) Forced into witness protection program after testifying in ScoopFree kitty litter racketeering case

1) Won a lot of money on "The Price is Right;" then got neutered by Bob Barker

Lay Dead
Convicted former Enron CEO Ken Lay is dead. I think we can say he simply swallowed his Smith & Wesson before being forced to swallow some guys named Smith & Wesson.

Lay Dead II
Ken Lay's family now says he died of a massive coronary. Funny how you always get a heart attack when you blow a bullet through your left ventricle.

Lay Dead III
For thousands of America's chief executives, Ken Lay's heart attack death provides a sobering lesson; so from now on, they're going to steal their companies' money AND stay in shape.

Lay Dead IV
This story has a lot of meaning for all Americans. It tells us that if you steal millions of dollars, you'll eventually die at your beautiful vacation home in Aspen.

Lay Dead V
Ken Lay's lawyers also say there's an important lesson to be learned from his death; always get your fees paid upfront.

Lay Dead VI
In honor of Ken Lay's death, the California electrical grid will be dimmed in a rolling brownout for the rest of the day.

North Korea Latest
North Korea's long-range missile failed midway through its projected trip... kind of like riding in a used Hyundai, but just a little less deadly.

Limbaugh Off the Hook
Rush Limbaugh will not face charges in Palm Beach County for the bottle of Viagra found in his luggage that was prescribed to someone else. Prosecutors said they dropped the case after none of them could avoid severe nausea when thinking about Limbaugh having sex.

New Jersey Standoff
As a result of New Jersey's continuing state budget standoff, Atlantic City casinos are now shutting down. So the only way you can throw your money away in New Jersey now is pay the tolls on the Turnpike.

Top 5 Disastrous Repercussions of the the New Jersey Budget Standoff

5) With the casinos closed, Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme are now loose on the streets

4) The state's number one export is now taffy

3) Millions of workers at the state's leading acid wash factory are out of work

2) "The Sopranos" is filming all its scenes at Starbuck's

1) The only way to gamble in New Jersey now is to inhale while driving on the Turnpike


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