Special Alert!
Newsday is going to publish a special version of my soccer essay below on Friday. I'll post the link when it's live. Maybe I should stick with sports and politics and leave the comedy to the drug addicts.

Lab Rat Miracle
A once paralyzed rat is now walking after it received a stem cell transplant. It's an exciting breakthrough, but Christian groups say the rat is going to Hell.

Minimum Wage Hike Killed
Senate Republicans smothered a proposed election-year increase in the minimum wage Wednesday. Experts say poor people hoping for an increase made a critical error when for some reason, they didn't hire a bunch of $100 million lobbyists.

Top 5 Reasons Congress Won't Raise the Minimum Wage

5) Paying Americans more money might offend all those illegal aliens they're giving amnesty to

4) Sure, pay them $7.50 an hour and then they'll demand we stop listening to their phone calls!

3) Hey, if they want money, why don't these lazy people just get a job? Oh wait, they do have a job. Never mind.

2) If the poor got paid more money, they'd probably just blow it all on baby food and diapers anyway

1) If those poor people want to get more money from the government, they can run for office and steal it like everyone in Congress does!

NRA vs. U.N.
The NRA says that a U.N. conference scheduled for next month seeks a global treaty banning ownership of firearms. Actually if the U.N. tries to do that, we can be sure the ownership of firearms will remain legal forever.

FBI Spy Files
The FBI now admits it spied on playwright Arthur Miller and actress Marilyn Monroe when they were married in the 1950's. Agents were obsessed with learning the geeky Miller's secret to bagging hot chicks.