Top 5 Ways to Stop Illegal Immigration

5) Give illegals a job even they won't want to do, like working at Starbuck's

4) Force all Spanish-language radio stations to play Barry Manilow 24/7

3) Black-out all soccer broadcasts on American TV

2) Make all illegals citizens, then send them to Iraq

1) Ah, what the Hell? Annex Mexico!

Swinging Congresswoman
Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney, a Democrat from Georgia, allegedly struck a Capitol police officer Wednesday. Wait, you mean to tell me there's a Democrat who can fight?

Bush Blames Saddam
President Bush is now blaming ongoing sectarian violence in Iraq on Saddam Hussein, even though he's been behind bars for more than two years. Well, it makes more sense than blaming the media.

Wal-Mart Squatter
A college student in Iowa spent 41 straight hours in a Des Moines Wal-Mart during Spring Break. It took him that long to find something that was made in America.

Wal-Mart Squatter II
Wal-Mart says it wouldn't have allowed the Iowa college student who stayed inside its Des Moines store for 41 straight hours if it had been aware of it. The only people Wal-Mart allows to spend 41 straight hours in its stores are its employees.

Convert in Italy
The Afghan man who could have received the death penalty for converting to Christianity is now in Italy. But experts are wondering why he didn't choose to go to a country that's friendly to Christians.

French Truce?
There's a possible breakthrough in the French student riots. The protesters are now willing to accept the new law that makes it easier to fire young workers, as long as all the workers who get fired are Jews.

Silent Delivery
Following the rules of Scientology, Tom Cruise is asking Katie Holmes to remain as silent as possible when she gives birth to their baby. Holmes should have no problem with that; she hasn't been allowed to speak for about a year anyway.

Duke Allegations
Duke University has canceled the remainder of its men's lacrosse season because of rape allegations against some players. All it took to cancel the remainder of Duke's basketball season was playing LSU in the Sweet 16.