NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday



Hillary is "Proud"
In her prime time speech, last night Hillary Clinton told the delegates she was, "a proud Senator from New York and a proud supporter of Barack Obama"... which is weird because she doesn't know much about New York and no one knows anything about Barack Obama.


But some Obama supporters were disappointed that Mrs. Clinton didn't explain why she decided to swallow her pride for the good of the Democratic Party... but enough about why she's still married to Bill.




Citi Cutbacks
Citigroup is cutting costs across the board. Expense accounts are being eliminated, outside meetings are being canceled, and to cut down on broken glass costs, all executives committing suicide are being asked to jump out of the same window.

Another budget cutting measure at Citigroup is a new ban on making color copies, except for printing out essential projects like the football pool and the local happy hour menu.



Flight Glitch
A computer system that tracks aircraft flight plans failed Tuesday, triggering hundreds of flight delays. It's unclear why the system failed, but like everything else in the airline industry it was probably very worried about being laid off.



Celebrity Breakup
Actress Nicollette Sheridan and singer Michael Bolton have split up. They just couldn't find a way to share their mirrors and hair spray equally.