BREAKING NEWS!!! Specter Switch
Republican Senator Arlen Specter says he is "switching teams"... but it's not clear if he's going to be a pitcher or a catcher.



WHO Alert Level Raised
The World Health Organization has raised its alert level in response to the swine flu virus spreading from Mexico. The only thing more dangerous than getting the swine flu from Mexico is... living in Mexico.



Jet Scare
A low-flying government just off lower Manhattan frightened New Yorkers working in the financial district yesterday. Some brokers thought it was a repeat of 9/11, but most were terrified President Obama was coming with more regulations.



Cash Demand
The government is pushing Bank of America and Citigroup to raise more money... and once they do that, the government would love to know who gave them that money so it can tax the Hell out of them.



New Dino Theory
A new study suggests that the dinosaurs may not have been killed by an asteroid after all. This leads most experts to believe that they were probably scared to death by the World Health Organization.



Huge Playoff Rout
The Denver Nuggets routed the New Orleans Hornets by 58 points in last night's playoff game. Hornets fans are calling the game "Hurricane Carmelo."