Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Bush Polls
As he delivered his State of the Union address Tuesday night, President Bush was facing some of his weakest job approval ratings ever. Unfortunately, the best way for him to improve his poll numbers was to not deliver the State of the Union address.

Top 5 Surprises During the State of the Union Address

5) Ted Kennedy and Nancy Pelosi kept interrupting the address to do body shots off each other

4) "New guy" Justice Alito seen shining all the other justices' shoes during the speech

3) Simon Cowell cut the President off after 30 seconds and started criticizing his performance

2) Halfway through the speech, President Bush suddenly switched to Yiddish

1) Bush remembered all his lines... forgot his pants

Bush Goals
Political experts say President Bush was hoping to use his State of the Union address to renew his relationship with the American people. That explains why he stopped several times during the speech to say we were all "beautiful" and as "looked better than the day he was first inaugurated."

Bush Goals II
As the price of crude oil approaches $70 a barrel, President Bush proposed ending the nation's dependence on foreign energy by using new technology, coal, and asking all the oil companies to fight their own God-damned wars for once.

Bush Goals III
President Bush also used his State of the Union address to urge Americans to reject isolationism... which makes a lot of sense since we'll all soon be working for the Chinese.

Google Disappoints
Google shares fell sharply after the company reported 4th quarter earnings well short of Wall Street expectations. Apparently the best search engine in the world can find everything but profits.

Filibuster Fails
Senator Ted Kennedy's drive to filibuster the Alito confirmation vote failed Monday. Geez, when will the Democrats learn not to let Ted Kennedy drive?

Barbie Shift
The CEO of Mattel said he plans "profound" changes for Barbie after a two-year slide in the toy's profits. This can only mean that he's going to demand that Barbie starts "putting out."

Change of Business
A New Zealand physician is reopening his failing practice as a brothel. So now you can really get screwed when you go to the doctor's office.


Post a Comment

<< Home