Woodruff Update
ABC news anchor Bob Woodruff has opened his eyes and is responding to some stimuli after undergoing surgery for massive head wounds. Right wing bloggers say they will attack ABC News if it continues to focus on the Woodruff's injuries and not all the positive things that have happened to him since.

New Al Zawahiri Tape
Al Jazeera aired a new videotape from Aymin al Zawahiri Monday. It's his second tape this month, confounding his agent and manager who warned him about releasing too much product on the market all at once.

New Al Zawahiri Tape II
In his latest videotape, Aymin al Zawahiri mocks President Bush for not being able to find him in Pakistan. Actually, President Bush can't even find Pakistan.

New Al Zawahiri Tape III
Al-Zawahiri taunted the U.S. president, saying, "Bush, do you know where I am? I am among the Muslim masses, enjoying their care with God's blessings and sharing with them their holy war against you until we defeat you"... which is al Qaeda code for: "I'm hiding in a cave fighting off the rats for the last slice of pita."

Olympic Ratings
Experts believe the ratings for this year's Winter Olympics will be weak. That's because if people want to see a bunch of doped-up amateurs competing, they can just watch "American Idol."

Alito Vote
By a vote of 72-25, the U.S. Senate voted to block a filibuster of judge Samuel Alito's Supreme Court confirmation vote... mostly because no one wants to make his wife cry.

Israel Cuts Off Hamas
Acting Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert says Israel will shun contact with Hamas because its charter still calls for the destruction of Israel. That's pretty picky, no? I mean the fine print in my credit card contract calls for my destruction, and I still do business with them all the time.

Condi's Mistake
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice admits the Bush administration was surprised by the Hamas victory, because it failed to understand the deep hostility Palestinians had toward their leaders in the Fatah party. That makes sense; the Bush administration has failed to recognize the deep hostility Americans have toward our leaders in White House too.

LA Sues Grand Theft Auto
The Los Angeles city attorney's office has sued the makers of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" for allegedly hiding pornographic material inside the video game. City officials say they don't think people should have to look so hard for their porn.

New Bird Flu Scare
U.N. health officials say a 15 year-old girl Iraqi girl died this month of the bird flu after eating chicken. The news is shocking millions around the world who didn't think there was anyone in Iraq who actually had any chicken!