Major Storm
A record-breaking snowstorm in New York has paralyzed the area and shutdown all region's airports. There haven't been this many helpless idiots stuck in the city since the Republican National Convention.

Mixed News
The good news is the U.S. government has promised not to send me to Iraq. The bad news is instead I have to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Cheney Shoots Hunter
Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter during an outing in Texas this weekend. Democrats now think he should go hunting with Justice Antonin Scalia more often.

Top 5 Real Reasons Michelle Kwan Quit the Olympics

5) She needs to start training for her upcoming "steel cage" wrestling match with Tonya Harding

4) Didn't want to bother when she saw that the judges were the same idiots who refereed the Super Bowl last week

3) Suddenly realized that the only perk for gold medal winners is appearing on a lousy Wheaties box

2) She was running dangerously low on sequins

1) Frankly, more people are watching the Ice Capades