Bush on Tour
President Bush's multi-city tour touting the economy is drawing huge crowds. That's because everywhere he goes, most people are out of work and have nothing else to do.

Top 5 Slogans on T-Shirts Banned from the House Gallery

5) "I'm with Congressman Stupid"

4) "Have a Nice Lobbying Day"

3) "Intern Panty Inspector"

2) "I Can't Talk Now, My Phone's Being Tapped"

1) "My President invaded Iraq, and all I got is this lousy T-Shirt"

Frey Dropped
James Frey's literary agent has dropped the author after it was revealed that he fabricated parts of his memoir "A Million Little Pieces." Agents hate it when their clients are better liars than they are.

Mine Control
Despite all the recent coalmine deaths, President Bush's new nominee to head the Mine Safety and Health Administration says current safety laws are adequate. He reminded everyone that if you outlaw deadly coalmines; only outlaws will operate deadly coalmines.

House Cuts Healthcare
The House of Representatives narrowly passed a bill cutting health care aid for the poor Wednesday night. Republicans hope this will teach poor people to stop getting sick.

Rice's Pick
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says she's picking the Pittsburgh Steelers to win the Super Bowl. Rice will now call for economic sanctions against the Seattle Seahawks at the U.N. beginning tomorrow.

Taller and Smarter?
A new study show that men taller than 6 foot 4 inches tall get better educations than shorter men. But skeptics say that just because they get basketball scholarships to college doesn't mean they learn anything there.

JAKE NOVAK's Relationship Sit-Com: "Dates from Hell"


Episode One: "The Brisket Brigade"

A recently widowed elderly Jewish man in Boca Raton is inundated with women suddenly showing up at his doorstep with piping hot pots of brisket. Each and every one of them is disappointed as they learn his teeth are in the shop.

Episode Two: "A Date with THE MAN"

A fortyish successful restaurant owner is enjoying her date with the very proper buttoned-down gentleman when he suddenly reveals he is with the IRS and this is actually a field audit.

Episode Three: "All in the Family"

A 30-year-old woman is swept off her feet by the man of her dreams. And for the crucial third date, he takes her for a fabulous ski weekend in Utah... where she meets his five other wives.

I'm hoping I can get a 22-episode deal with the new CW network.