Big Money for Medicine
President Obama will announce $5 billion in grants to the National Institutes of Health today. The money will be used to research what part of the brain needs to be removed to get humans to start supporting his health care reform plan.


Big Money for Medicine II
President Obama will announce $5 billion in grants to the National Institutes of Health today. It was either use the money for research, or put that $5 billion toward covering national Medicare costs for a whole five minutes.



Polanski Demand
After Swiss authorities jailed him on a U.S. arrest warrant related to his 1977 sexual assault of a 13-year-old girl, Director Roman Polanski is demanding to be released. He's also demanding to meet Hannah Montana, but that's another story.


Fellow director Woody Allen is leading the fight to get Roman Polanski released. Allen says Polanski deserves to be respected for his great films, and he's kind of hoping to get some tips from him on how to pick up teenage girls.



Prescription Drug Abuse
A new government report says that several states are allowing millions of dollars worth of Medicaid prescription abuse. Of course, those inspectors should probably try looking at the women in Arkansas before questioning how much the men in that state spend on Viagra.




Knoblauch Charged
Former Major Leaguer Chuck Knoblauch has been charged with assaulting his common-law wife... it was his first decent hit since 1998.



Sex Offenders Evicted
A group of sex offenders who were camped out in the woods near Marietta, Georgia have been ordered to leave. No one really minded them being there until several squirrels started showing up at the local abortion clinic.


Sex Offenders Evicted II
A group of sex offenders who were camped out in the woods near Marietta, Georgia have been ordered to leave. It's the first time something like this has happened since the whole Snow White and Seven Dwarves incident 70 years ago.



Cleveland Gay Games
The city of Cleveland has been selected to host the 2014 Gay Games. The search committee made the decision after seeing Browns Head Coach and transgender patient Eric Mangini's large breasts.







September 30th


1399: Henry IV is proclaimed King of England... and does much better at the opening weekend box office than Henry III.


1927: Babe Ruth becomes the first baseball player to bang 60 home runs and 600 hookers in a season.


1938: The League of Nations unanimously outlaws "intentional bombings of civilian populations"... opening the door for seven years' worth of almost uninterrupted intentional bombings of civilian populations.


1939: General Władysław Sikorski becomes commander-in-chief of the Polish Government in exile... temporarily located in the kitchen at the Sausage King of Chicago on Devon Ave.


2005: Controversial drawings of Muhammad are printed in the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten. Millions of Muslims interrupt their senseless daily murdering and rioting and begin to murder and riot because of the drawings.