Toyota and the Cubbies
Toyota is close to making a major sponsorship deal with the Chicago Cubs... because when you think about crashing and buring, you think about Toyota and the Cubs.



Health Care & Stocks
Part of the Democrats' health care reform bill relies on new taxes on stock investments to pay for it all. So the next time the stock market crashes, not only will you have a heart attack, but there won't be any money available for your bypass surgery.



Alley on Scientology
Kirstie Alley says Scientology helps her with her weight... you know, like Catholicism helps people with their guilt.



Student Loan Overhaul
Democrats want the federal government to get more control over the student loan program. And they plan to do that by forcing college students to fill out a 1040 before buying subsidized beer.



HPV Vaccine Study
A new study shows that the cervical cancer vaccine is not getting to many of the girls who need it the most... skanks.







March 19th

1687: Explorer Robert Cavelier de La Salle, searching for the mouth of the Mississippi River, is murdered by his own men... for refusing to ask for directions at 15 consecutive gas stations.


1978: UN Security Council Resolution 425 is passed, calling upon Israel to immediately withdraw its forces from all Lebanese territory so the Muslims can go back to killing everybody.


1979: The House of Representatives begins broadcasting on C-SPAN, forcing all Members of Congress to start showering after visiting their favorite hookers.