MJ's Record Deal
Sony has signed Michael Jackson to a $250 million record contract... even though he's dead. If I were Kenny Rogers, I wouldn't be walking near any open windows right now.



Andrews Peeper Sentenced
A federal judge has sentenced Michael David Barrett to two and a half years in prison for taping ESPN reporter Erin Andrews in the nude. Barrett could have been given the harsher sentence of having to watch two and a half more years of Andrews' sideline reports.



Going for a Thousand
A 600-pound woman in New Jersey says she's okay with being fat and actually is trying to gain another 400 pounds. I can't wait until health care reform is passed and we all get to pay for this woman's medical bills.



Pali Protests
Palestinians are launching violent protests over new Israeli homes being built in East Jerusalem. Arabs were hoping to use that land for weekly stonings and honor killings.



Dodd's Deadline
U.S. Senate Banking Committee Chairman Christopher Dodd says Congress should not adjourn for its two-week holiday recess without addressing financial reform. Dodd knows most of his colleagues will be useless when they come back with those big Easter chocolate baskets from the bank donors.






March 16th


597 BC: Babylonia captures Jerusalem and replaces King Jehoiachin with a left-hander with a little more control.


1521: Ferdinand Magellan reaches the Philippines... making him the first official sex tourist.


1945: The Battle of Iwo Jima ends but small pockets of Japanese resistance persist... they immediately start working to make defective Toyotas.