Drug Heist
Thieves broke in to an Eli Lilly warehouse in Enfield, Connecticut yesterday and stole $75 million worth of prescription drugs. Police say they mostly stole Prozac, so they're looking for an extremely well adjusted group of criminals.



Drug Heist II
Thieves broke in to an Eli Lilly warehouse in Enfield, Connecticut yesterday and stole $75 million worth of prescription drugs. Police are rounding up all the local 75-to-90 year-olds who are behind on their Medicare premiums.



Prison Population Down
For the first time since 1972, the number of state prisoners in the U.S. has dropped. All the best crooks, liars and rapists are now in Congress.



Green Fading
A new Gallup Poll shows Americans' worries about environmental issues have hit a 20-year low. But most Americans are still deathly afraid of Al Gore and Ed Begley, Jr.



Basketball Ban?
Secretary of Education Arne Duncan wants college basketball teams with lower than 40%graduation rates to be banned from postseason play. Next thing you know, these bureaucrats will want the college players to be able to read!



Turn Off Day
A group of young businessmen is calling on everyone not to use technology at all this Saturday. This will be easy for the growing number of Americans who had their laptops and iPhones repossessed.






March 17th

1776: British forces evacuate Boston after learning the city had run out of beer and donuts... and no one wanted to see what would happen next.


1950: Researchers at the UC Berkeley announce the creation of element 98, which they name "Californium" because it magnetically attracts nuts while simulutaneously going bankrupt.


1969: Golda Meir becomes the first female Prime Minister of Israel. Five years later, Shimon Peres becomes the second female Prime Minister of Israel.


2008: Governor of New York Eliot Spitzer resigns after a scandal involving a high-end prostitute. He is replaced by Lieutenant Governor David Paterson... a low-end prostitute.