Bush Chooses Alito
President Bush says he spent many hours considering Judge Alito's qualifications before deciding to nominate him to the Supreme Court. It took his aides most of that time to convince him Alito wasn't that judge from the O.J. Simpson case.

Bush Chooses Alito II
Conservatives are applauding President Bush's choice of Samuel Alito for the Supreme Court. Republicans are delighted that in selecting Alito, the President has chosen not only a solid right-winger, but also the only man in government who hasn't slept with Judith Miller.

Alito Abortion
New Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito is likely to draw liberal ire for his 1991 decision requiring women to notify their husbands before getting an abortion. Of course, most husbands would just be happy if their wives would notify them before getting pregnant.

Top 5 Confirmation Problems for Judge Alito

5) Keeps calling Senator Harry Reid "Tara"

4) He was that drunk guy who grabbed the football from Brett Favre last Sunday

3) The last time he appeared before the Judiciary Committee, he stole Ted Kennedy's flask

2) Let's just say he's not so conservative when it comes to underwear

1) For the next six weeks, he has to spend at least three hours a day with Bill Frist

Bush Bird Flu Plan
President Bush is set to unveil his plan to combat the possible spread of bird flu in the United States. The core of his strategy revolves around offering tax breaks to wealthy birds that promise not to get sick.

Parks Honored
The late Rosa Parks is being honored at the Capitol for her lifetime contribution to the civil rights movement. Thanks to people like her, the only thing blacks have to do to get ahead in America today is take a job in the Bush administration.

Case Closed
AOL founder Steve Case has resigned from the Time Warner board of directors, so he can focus on his new healthcare company. The move is leaving industry experts puzzled as to how Case can possibly screw up healthcare in America anymore than it already is.

Boozin' at The Game
Yale University is strictly restricting drinking at this year's Harvard-Yale game. The school is finally trying to do something to stop student alcoholics before one of them becomes President.