NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com with TWO jokes! Here's the link: Newsday



Sanctions Eased
The U.S. is lifting some sanctions against North Korea. It's great news for North Korean leader Kim Jong Il who during the sanctions has only been able to buy clothes and glasses from elderly Jews in Miami.



Chrysler Wi-Fi
Chrysler will offer Wi-Fi Internet service in all of its vehicles this year... buyers who get connected to the service will thus be among the first to learn of Chrysler's inevitable bankruptcy.



Unhappy Owners
The latest J.D. Powers and Associates survey shows drivers of new cars are less satisfied with their vehicles than they've been for five years... mostly because they haven't been able to afford actually using their cars for the last two months.




Cooper on Zimbabwe
CNN's Anderson Cooper is calling the situation in Zimbabwe "disgusting"... mostly because he's been in the country for two weeks and still can't find even one Pinkberry.




Locklear in Rehab
Heather Locklear has checked into an Arizona mental hospital. Wait, she's been married to Tommy Lee and Richie Sambora and she only realized she's crazy NOW?



Oil Spill Ruling
The Supreme Court has reduced to $500 million what had once been a $5 billion judgment against Exxon Mobil for the Valdez oil spill. Of course, the victims of the oil spill will end up using most of that $500 million to buy $4 gas from Exxon.