Memorial Day Checkpoints
This Memorial Day weekend, police are setting up checkpoints on highways and side roads all across the country. It's all in the hope of protecting America from Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.


Lohan Cocaine
Beverly Hills police say they found cocaine in Lindsay Lohan's car after she crashed her Mercedes early Saturday morning. This is one spoiled rich kid; she can afford cocaine and a tank full of gas!



U.S.-Iran Talks
The U.S. and Iran are about to hold their first formal diplomatic talks in 27 years. Iran will be represented by some of its most distinguished ambassadors, and just to make it even, we're sending Don Imus.


Triple Amputee Doctor
Kellie Lim, who became a triple amputee at age 8 because of bacterial meningitis, is to graduate from UCLA's medical school on Friday. Her story is inspirational to everyone, except Arab terrorists, who just can't understand why she didn't just blame the Jews and blow herself up.

Triple Amputee Doctor II
Kellie Lim, who became a triple amputee at age 8 because of bacterial meningitis, is to graduate from UCLA's medical school on Friday. Her story is inspirational to everyone, except Paris Hilton, who's still really angry that the media is paying attention to someone else.


Indy 500 Winner
Dario Franchitti is the winner of this year's shortened Indy 500. They had to shorten it because no one could afford any more gas.


Johnston Okay?
A Palestinian official says BBC Gaza correspondent Alan Johnston was alive and well and will be released by his terrorist kidnappers soon. It turns out that no matter how badly they treated him, the BBC couldn't possibly be forced to be more anti-Israel than it already is.