BREAKING NEWS!!!

The Rev. Jerry Falwell has died. Falwell finally collapsed when he realized his only choices for president were Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani.

The Rev. Jerry Falwell has died. Out of respect, the Democratic presidential candidates will refrain from attacking him just for the next 48 hours.

The Rev. Jerry Falwell has died. I guess God doesn't accept the prayers of Evangelical doctors.

As the news of Falwell's death spreads, people of all religions are praying for his memory... but most TV news anchors are trying to conceal their obvious euphoria.


Barker's Last Show
CBS will air Bob Barker's last episode of "The Price is Right" in prime time early next month. The end of the program will be especially memorable, as Barker will be neutered just before the final credits.


Rude Drivers
Miami motorists have earned the title of "rudest drivers" in a survey released Tuesday... leaving New Yorkers more ashamed than ever before.


Baby Test
A new test dubbed "Pink or Blue" promises to tell parents the sex of their fetus just six weeks into pregnancy. The test boasts a 50% rate of accuracy.


Apprentice Canceled
NBC has canceled "The Apprentice" for next season, shocking millions of TV viewers who didn't know "The Apprentice" was still on this season.


Leo's House
Leonardo DiCaprio recently excavated his neighbor's property without permission and damaged plants and hedges to build a basketball court at his home... but I'm sure it was a "green" basketball court.


No More Fred
NBC says it does not expect Fred Thompson to return to Law and Order next season, since he is potentially running for the Republican presidential nomination... and because like everyone else in America he's freaking sick of Law and Order.