New French President
Conservative Nicolas Sarkozy was elected President of France Sunday. Of course in France, a conservative is someone who opposes abortion after the 16th trimester.

Sarkozy excited many Frenchmen by promising the U.S. that "America can rely on our friendship." Then President Bush excited Americans even more by promising that we will never need to rely on the French.


Rocket Returns
Roger Clemens is coming out of retirement to rejoin the New York Yankees. Of course the way the Yankees have been pitching, they should get Whitey Ford out of retirement too.


Queen at the Derby
The good news is Queen Elizabeth enjoyed herself immensely at this weekend's Kentucky Derby. The bad news is she enjoyed betting so much she's now slated to see a dog race in Fort Lauderdale before heading to a cock fight in Tijuana.


Candidates on Evolution
Some Americans were shocked last week when three GOP presidential candidates openly stated that they do not belive in evolution. Well, it's hard to believe in survival of the fittest after you've seen the lunch buffet at Denny's.


Corzine Return
New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine says he plans to get back to work Monday... so motorists are advised to avoid the New Jersey Turnpike and the Garden State Parkway until further notice.


Student Loan Investigation
New York and New Jersey are issuing subpoenas as they look into potential misconduct in the student loan market. But strangely, no one is charging any of the colleges for the crime of charging more than 40 grand a year in tuition.