McGreevey Converts
Disgraced former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey has joined the Episcopal Church and will study at an Episcopal seminary. McGreevey was eager to join the one entity in America with fewer morals than the New Jersey state government.


GM Results
GM says its first quarter profits fell by 90% because of problems in the mortgage business... which makes sense since most of its employees are now living in their cars.


Americans Arrested
Mexican authorities arrested five U.S. citizens today and accused them of trying to kidnap two men in Mexico. This crushes all hope of Bennigan's getting a couple of new dishwashers before the San Diego dinner rush.


U.S.-Syria Talks
U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice met Syria's foreign minister today in the first high-level talks between the two countries in years. They spent most of the meeting making fun of Nancy Pelosi.


Lohan's Birthday Countdown
Lindsay Lohan says she is "really looking forward and gearing up" for her 21st birthday this July 2nd... so are state troopers in California, New York, and Nevada.


Early Education Funding Bill
Today the House approved a $7.4 billion funding bill for the Head Start program... but added a controversial condition to the measure calling for all pre-schoolers to begin withdrawing to kindergarten by their 6th birthday.


Pet Food Recall
Pet food manufacturer Menu Foods expanded its recall Thursday to include chicken-based cat foods, gravy-based dog foods, and the lunch special at Jack in the Box.