Hilton Appeal
Paris Hilton is appealing her 45-day jail sentence, claiming her manager told her she wasn't breaking the law by repeatedly driving without a license. Of course, this is the same manager who repeatedly told Hilton she could be on TV and in the movies without any talent.


Herod's Tomb Found
After 25 years of excavating, an Israeli professor says he's found the tomb of King Herod. Leave it to an Israeli to spend a quarter century digging in the Middle East and not find any oil.


Fort Dix Threat
The federal government has charged six alleged "Islamic radicals" with plotting to kill U.S. soldiers at Fort Dix, New Jersey. In light of this threat and the recent car accident suffered by Gov. Jon Corzine, Democrats are calling for an immediate U.S. withdrawal from New Jersey... and this is a withdrawal most Republicans can support.


Troop Surge Deadline
Congressional leaders from both political parties are considering giving President Bush a possible deadline of September to prove that the troop surge in Iraq is working... which is weird because the news media has already decided that it won't work and it's only May!

Congressional leaders from both political parties are considering giving President Bush a possible deadline of September to prove that the troop surge in Iraq is working... or else, they're gonna um... they'll... get really mad... I guess.


Cocaine Bust
The company that produces a new energy drink called "Cocaine" has been pulled from stores nationwide. Convenience store owners in the 'hood are worried they might get shot when their customers find out it's not the real thing.


Cartoon Hater
Hamas has started a new children's show featuring "Farfur," a Mickey Mouse lookalike, who teaches Islamic radicalism and hatred toward America and Israel. If Hamas's leaders think they hate Jews now, wait until they get sued by Disney's copyright attorneys!


McGreevey Lawsuit
In a lawsuit filed Monday by Dina McGreevey, she alleges that her estranged husband and former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey, only proposed as a cold and calculated political act to cover his homosexuality. That's opposed to Bill Clinton, who only proposed as a cold and calculated act to cover his heterosexuality.


Wish Tunnel
Every year, about 40,000 foreigners visit an 800 year-old shrine in Japan where visitors can crawl into a "wish tunnel" to say a prayer and make offerings in the hope of splitting from their significant others. Mostly because the trip to Japan and the rest of the ordeal is still cheaper than calling a divorce lawyer.