Keith's Book
Keith Richards is trying to sell his autobiography for a reported $5 million... a shocking sum considering the fact that he doesn't remember anything.



New Synagogue
Jewish leaders and politicians from Estonia and Israel celebrated the opening Wednesday of the first synagogue in the Baltic state since World War II. Local Anti-Semites then celebrated by burning it down.


Gore for Prez?
Despite more inquiries, Al Gore is again insisting that he is not running for president in 2008. If this is the kind of attention Gore is getting, imagine how much the Democrats would bother someone with a chance in Hell to win.



Hurricane PR
While most weather experts believe the U.S. is still unprepared for hurricane season, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is spending $4 million on a P.R. campaign. This way, more Americans will feel better about the government while their homes are washing away.


Immigration Deal
Senate leaders and the Bush administration have agreed to a deal that would beef up border security but also let millions of undocumented immigrants get legal permission to live and work in the United States. The two sides were finally able to come to an agreement when they realized they both hated Lou Dobbs.


American Idol Stunner
Many American Idol fans were shocked by Melinda's elimination from the show. Blake's stunning survival into the finals proves that American pop music is still controlled by 12-year-old girls.


Gonzales Vote
Senate Democrats say they will seek a no-confidence vote on Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. But if they want to waste their time on symbolic gestures that no one cares about, they might as well vote for John Kerry again.



Lost Whales
Wildlife workers are using recordings of whale singing to lure an injured whale and her calf away from Sacremento's shipping canals and back into the Pacific Ocean. But if they really want to get those whales to swim away, they should use recordings of Sanjaya singing.


U.S. Minorities
According to new estimates, the nation's minority population has topped 100 million for the first time... which means CNN will do 100 million stories about each and every one of them in the next year.