NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Immigration Bill Points
The most controversial part of the new immigration bill assigns points based on skills. Immigrants get 10 points if they have an advanced science degree, 20 points if they have technical experience, and 500 points if they can vacuum a room faster than the Roomba.


Summer War
President Bush says this summer will be crucial for his Iraq war strategy... mostly because "American Idol" is over and people will probably start paying attention again.



Hamas Roundup
Israel has arrested 33 Hamas legislators in retaliation for continued rocket attacks from Gaza. The good news for the detainees is that while they're in Israeli custody, their odds of not dying in attacks by Fatah shoot through the roof.


Virgin Shark Birth
A female hammerhead shark in a Nebraska aquarium has given birth apparently without any contact with males. Scientists aren't sure if this is really a virgin birth or just what the shark told her parents.


April Home Sales
New home sales rose sharply in April, thanks to better weather and the fact that most houses are now cheaper than a tank full of gas.


Dell at Wal-Mart
After shunning retail stores for years in favor of online and phone sales, Dell will now sell its computers at Wal-Mart. Going to Wal-Mart is just like trying to buy a computer from someone in India: no one there says anything you can understand either.


American Idol Winner
Jordin Sparks became the new American Idol Wednesday night, briefly bringing American together after it was once again torn apart by the Rosie O'Donnell-Elizabeth Hasselbeck war.


Old Mom
A 60-year-old New Jersey woman has given birth to twins. For the babies' sake, let's hope she doesn't mix up their diaper cream with her Ben Gay.

Experts say this event has redefined age in America. And that's true as this proves you don't have to be a teenager to do something really stupid.