Chinese Official Sentenced
China has sentenced the former head of its food and drugs agency to death for corruption. He will be executed by being forced to eat some locally-produced dog food.


Sheehan Quits
Cindy Sheehan, who camped outside President Bush's home in Crawford, Texas, throughout August 2005 to demand a meeting with the president over her son's death, is quitting the peace movement. She now plans to camp outside her local Home Depot until she finally gets help from someone who works there.


More Planets
Planet-seekers who have spotted 28 new planets orbiting other stars in the past year say Earth's solar system is far from unique and there could be billions of habitable planets. Oh great, like real estate prices aren't depressed enough.



Lohan in Rehab
Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab. In a cruel twist of fate, the roads are finally safe again but no one can afford gas.


Anti-Chavez Protests
Venezuelan police fired tear gas and plastic bullets into a crowd of thousands protesting President Hugo Chavez's decision to force an opposition television station off the air. It's not that the people want real democracy, it's just that that station was the only one that doesn't broadcast "The View."


Disney Accident
Five Walt Disney World visitors and an employee were injured Tuesday after a water ride that simulates a trip to a rain forest river malfunctioned. As they do whenever there are problems with the rain forest ride, authorities are blaming global warming.


Creation Museum
A museum that tells the Bible's version of Earth's history — that the planet was created in a single week and dinosaurs were on Noah's Ark— attracted thousands to its opening Monday. Experts scoff at the dinosaur theory, but SOMEONE had to have eaten the unicorns.