Welfare Nation
More Americans than ever before are getting some kind of welfare. Boy, those Chinese taxpayers are generous!



Lockout Ended
A federal judge has ended the NFL lockout. The courts needed to clear out the labor problems to make room for all the cases accusing NFL players of drunk driving and domestic violence.



Lizard Case
A possibly endangered lizard could force all oil production in southwest Texas to shut down. Who knew lizards were Arabs?



Electric Cars Safe!
The electric Nissan Leaf and Chevy Volt have aced all the government crash tests. It turns out those cars are really safe because no one is driving them.



Union Orders
Labor leaders are telling federal workers not to vacation in anti-union states. Of course, government workers aren't going anywhere until unionized air traffic controllers stop sleeping on the job.




April 26th

1865: Union cavalry troopers corner and kill John Wilkes Booth… but mostly because they really didn’t like his acting.

1962: NASA's Ranger 4 spacecraft crashes into the Moon… NASA’s insurance premiums go through the roof.

1965: A Rolling Stones concert in Ontario, Canada is shut down by police after 15 minutes due to rioting and excessive sneering.