No Nukes
Plans to build two nuclear reactors in Texas have been scraped because of the Japan disaster. Also because of that disaster, Hollywood is holding off on plans to film another Godzilla remake.



Flight Fines
The government is setting up new rules and fines on airlines for when they lose your bags or delay your flight... but those are the only things United does well!



Manson Speaks!
Charles Manson has broken his 20-year silence to speak out against global warming. If released, he promises to only kill people with recycled knives.



Sex Change Demand
A murder convict in a California prison is suing the state, demanding that it pay for him to get a sex change operation. Because if there's one thing that will stop a bunch of inmates from bothering you behind bars, it's getting a sex change operation.



Turtle Case
Animal rights groups are suing the Obama administration on behalf of the leatherback sea turtle. As some of the longest-living sea creatures of all time, the turtles don't like what Obama is doing to Medicare.




April 20th


1657: Freedom of religion is granted to the Jews of New Amsterdam... mostly because the Dutch were starting to jones on matzoh.

1862: Louis Pasteur and Claude Bernard complete the first pasteurization tests... don't ask how they got Mrs. Pasteur's milk.


1871: The Civil Rights Act of 1871 becomes law... but only for white people.