Bieber Meeting Nixed
A planned meeting between Justin Bieber and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel was called off yesterday. The Israeli leader simply refused to change his long-standing policy against meeting with terrorists.



Detroit Comeback
US automakers are expected to bring 35,000 new jobs to Detroit by 2015. That's the number of people they'll need to tear down any of their remaining factories there.



Budget Cuts
President Obama will lay out his budget cutting plan this afternoon. He's expected to call for controversial measures like higher taxes, less defense spending, and leasing the Oval Office for one of Charlie Sheen's parties.



Compton No Cops
Because of budget problems, the city of Compton, CA has scrapped plans to set up its own police dept. Luckily, Compton's crooks promise to keep the city's deficits low by not outsourcing any of their crimes.



Recidivism
A new study shows that prisons are failing to deter repeat criminals... especially when they serve delicious sloppy joe's twice a week!




April 13th

1953: CIA director Allen Dulles launches the mind-control program MKULTRA… now known as The Huffington Post.


1976: The United States Treasury Department reintroduces the two-dollar bill as a way to distract people from the fact that the $1 wasn’t worth crap anymore.


1983: Harold Washington is elected as the first African-American mayor in Chicago’s history… most of his votes came from dead people who didn’t know he was black anyway.