Fashion Alert!
Fashion designer Vivienne Westwood says global warming will make L.A. uninhabitable in 25 years. In other words, long after most of her customers and models die of drug overdoses.



Jail Transfers
California Governor Jerry Brown has signed a bill to transfer thousands of non-violent felons to county jails... so, most of the Lakers are not eligible.



They Have a Fantasy
Unions across the U.S. marked yesterday's anniversary of Martin Luther King's assassination with rallies comparing their demands to MLK's dream... which would make sense if MLK had been dreaming of 4-day work weeks and free Viagra for union retirees.



Toyota Troubles
Experts say Toyota will likely lose marketshare to Ford and GM because of the nuclear accidents in Japan. Toyota counters by saying that people who buy their irradiated new cars will save thousands on heating costs!



Corn Soars
Corn prices are at a three year high... which explains why OPEC is trying to invade Nebraska.



April 5th


1923: Firestone begins production of balloon-tires… and starts spreading nails along roads all across America.

1933: President Franklin D. Roosevelt signs Executive Order 6102 "forbidding the Hoarding of Gold Coin, Gold Bullion, and Gold Certificates" by U.S. citizens. People with lots of fillings begin trying to escape the country.

1992: Alberto Fujimori, president of Peru, dissolves the Peruvian congress by usng military force… and lots of hot water.