Royal Wedding
Huge crowds are gathering to watch the royal wedding in London today. After the ceremony, they'll stick around for the latest violent protest against the government.



Prison Canceled
California Governor Jerry Brown has canceled plans for a new $356 million death row facility at San Quentin. Of course, there already is a $356 million state facility that houses California's most dangerous criminals, it's called "Raiders Training Camp."



Food Police
The federal government wants to severely restrict food ads aimed at children. That's consistent with the Obama administration's policy aiming to restricting most people from eating food.



Spain Jobless
Spain's unemployment rate has hit 21.5%... and the other 78.5% of the population called in sick today to watch the royal wedding.



Superman Defects
The latest Superman comic book features a plot where the Man of Steel renounces his U.S. citizenship and starts working for the U.N. His first mission is to help all the delegates avoid paying their parking tickets.





April 29th

1672: Louis XIV of France invades the Netherlands. The Netherlands sues Louis for sexual harassment.


1945: Adolf Hitler marries Eva Braun in a Berlin bunker. Guests give the couple a matching set of pitchforks to use in Hell.


1986: A fire at the City of Los Angeles Public Library damages or destroys 400,000 books. But since those books were in English and not Spanish, no one in L.A. was ever going to read them anyway.