Mays Dead
TV infomercial king Billy Mays has died at age 50... proving once again that you can only run over your hand with a car so many times before it kills you.

Mays' family is busy making funeral plans, they say he'll be buried as soon as they can dig him a grave with the Awesome Auger.

Mays is now in Heaven, but God and the angels have already asked him to keep his voice down.



Jacko Weight
Autopsy records show that Michael Jackson weighed just 112 pounds when he died; and without his plastic nose, 110 pounds.



Ticket Refunds
Nearly a million people had bought tickets for Michael Jackson's London shows, and now they will have to get their money refunded. Concert promoters are offering fans either their money back or a piece of Michael Jackson's original face.



Madoff Penalty
Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff will be sentenced by a federal judge today. He faces up 150 years in prison, billions of dollars in fines, and possibly being forced to run General Motors.



Iran Hates the BBC
The ruling Iranian Mullahs are singling out the BBC’s Persian-language channel as a major threat to their country... the Ayatollahs just hate it when the news anchors on that station are more anti-Israel than they are!