Jacko Not Coming Backo
Michael Jackson is dead at age 50. His remains will be donated to science fiction.

Michael Jackson was allowed into Heaven, but he was kicked out a few hours later after he tried to molest a Cherub.



Ahmadinejad Slam
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says President Obama is just like President Bush. The stolen election and the killings of peaceful protestors were one thing, but now Obama is REALLY mad.



Sanford Pays the State
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford says he will financially reimburse the state for the trip he took to Argentina to meet his mistress. Sanford is also in the process of reimbursing his wife, which means he won't be able to walk for the next few days.



Griffin #1
The Los Angeles Clippers have chosen Blake Griffin as the number one pick in the 2009 NBA draft. Griffin is guaranteed a big contract, a starting position, and since he's on the Clippers, he will never be heard from again.



Help for Iran
The Obama administration is finally moving forward with plans to fund groups that support Iranian dissidents, but only if they promise to drive to their protests in hybrid cars.