Car Heart Monitor
Ford is now offering a car-seat heart monitor in some models. It was considering installing a brain monitor too, but most Ford buyers clearly don't have one.



Obama Editorial
President Obama has written a new editorial which includes the line: "Governments do not create jobs: bold people and innovative businesses do." Previously, Mr. Obama just thought that's where his campaign donations came from.



Lap Bands for Kids!
The people who make those slimming surgical lap bands are now marketing to teens. The most alluring pitch is the promise that having the surgery will get kids out of gym class for at least a month.



Prison Riot
A riot at San Quentin left four inmates hospitalized yesterday. Chaos broke out when the prisoners started to demand a cut of the guards' pension and vacation benefits.



Omar Not Dead
The Taliban says rumors of its leader Mullah Omar being killed are not true... but he has been despondent ever since he learned that the U.S. has taken possession of Osama bin Laden's porn collection.





May 24th


1830: Mary Had a Little Lamb by Sarah Josepha Hale is published… most readers initially think it is a cookbook.


1883: The Brooklyn Bridge is opened to traffic. Thousands of New Yorkers immediately take the opportunity to urinate on it.


2004: North Korea bans mobile phones and texting… millions of American parents with teenagers apply to live in North Korea.