Species Study
A new study shows that there are 8.7 million species on Earth... and only one of them can produce a "Snooki."



East Coast Quake
A strong earthquake rattled much of the nation's capital yesterday afternoon. Geologists believe it was caused by President Obama's latest poll numbers.



Qadaffi Speaks!
Although his whereabouts are still unknown, Moamar Qadaffi is promising to defeat the rebels and remain in power in Libya. But he's also promising to still make a profit on that $700,000 2-bedroom condo he bought in Miami in 2006.



Slower Mail
A new study shows the U.S. Postal Service could save $1.5 billion per year if it just delivered the mail SLOWER. Finally, a goal most postal workers are really qualified to achieve!



Irene Gains Power
Hurricane Irene is regaining strength after hitting the Caribbean yesterday. And it's expected to grow even stronger after it gets over the embarrassment of getting its hair braided in the Bahamas.




August 24th


1456: The printing of the Gutenberg Bible is completed. Sadly for all of the world's teenage boys, there were no pictures.


1815: The modern Constitution of the Netherlands is signed... it's mostly about legalizing pot and no one can really remember anything else.


1954: Getúlio Dornelles Vargas, president of Brazil, commits suicide... and thus becomes the one and only politician in history to actually do what the people want.