Bush Rushes Back
President Bush rushed back to Washington today after his weeklong trip to Asia. Mr. Bush needed to pardon the White House turkey before it leaks any information to Bob Woodward.

Bush in Mongolia
Before returning to the U.S. from his weeklong trip to Asia, President Bush made a quick stop in Mongolia. Aides kept the visit brief, since the President kept referring to the locals as "mongoloids."

GM Cuts
General Motors is cutting 30,000 jobs in the U.S. and Canada. By drastically shrinking its workforce, GM is hoping to make fewer cars that suck.

Top 5 Forms of CIA's "Legal Torture"

5) Fingernails on the blackboard

4) Nothing but Taco Bell for a week

3)"Aymin, meet your new cell mate: Terrell Owens"

2) Two words: "Grease 2"

1) Michael Moore laundry hamper isolation chamber

Scanlon Pleads
Former Tom DeLay aide Michael Scanlon has admitted to pocketing money from Indian tribes who wanted him to use the cash to corrupt federal officials. Scanlon's scam failed when the tribes learned that most federal officials are already corrupt whether you bribe them or not.

Cheney's Take
Vice President Dick Cheney continues to attack critics of the Iraq war, but he says the debate is healthy. That's because it keeps the Swift Boat Veterans busy.

Just Land It
A Nike Inc. corporate jet carrying it's CEO and six other people developed landing gear problems but then made a safe emergency landing in Oregon. The plane circled the airport for hours to burn off fuel, and to allow emergency crews to paint the Nike swoosh on the runway.

McNabb Out
Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb will miss the rest of the season in order to undergo hernia surgery. Medical experts are puzzled by McNabb's hernia, especially since he got Terrell Owens off his back two weeks ago.

What to do with the Slush Fund at the World Jewish Congress

10) Extreme Makeover: Sisterhood Edition!

9) $1 million investigation to determine true identity of "S.A. HaLevy"

8) Birthright: Tahiti

7) Free yarmulkes in every subway station

6) Sponsor new Satmar boxing league

5) Pay Woody Allen to stop embarrassing us

4) Nationwide Synagogue Kiddush Improvement Project

3) High Holiday ticket financing program

2) Israel Singer personal PR Campaign... oh wait, he has that already!

1) Jewish Comedy Writers Mortgage Assistance Program