Top 5 Real Things that Hurt Troop Morale in Iraq

5) Missing all those great new episodes of "Everwood"

4) Damn Liberals aren't letting them organize those naked prisoner pyramids anymore

3) Two words: "Geraldo Live"

2) The fact the Playboy is now featuring more old chicks

1) Bird flu getting more news coverage, and its only killed like three people!

Rivalry Weekend
Tomorrow is rivalry day in college football with games like Ohio State vs. Michigan, USC vs. UCLA and Harvard vs. Yale. The real winning schools will be the ones with the fewest overturned cars and burned out frat houses Saturday night.

Heidi's House
Former Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss is opening a new brothel in Nevada where male prostitutes will cater to women for $250 an hour. Of course, if women want to get a male whore for $250-an-hour, all they have to do is hire a lawyer.

Paula Zahn Feature
Last night's edition of "Paula Zahn Now" on CNN featured a report on surviving a lobotomy. Coincidentally, getting a lobotomy is the only way to survive watching "Paula Zahn Now."

Castro Parkinson's
The CIA believes Cuba's Fidel Castro has Parkinson's disease because he's becoming incoherent and he keeps falling down while exercising. That means the CIA must think that President Bush has Parkinson's too.

Bush Strikes Back
Facing dropping poll numbers and a potential Republican rebellion over the Iraq War, President Bush is fighting back by intensifying attacks on Democratic critics... because that's always easier than actually doing his job.

New Miracle Pill
Researchers have found an experimental appetite suppressant that can also fight nicotine addiction. The only other thing that helps you diet and want to quit cigarettes at the same time is seeing Rosie O'Donnell smoking at the beach.

Rules for Fans
New York's City Council has passed a bill calling for a year in jail and a $1,000 fine for anyone who throws objects onto the field during a professional sporting event. There's no word on what the penalty will be if you do that at a Mets game.

Jacko's Mistako
A spokeswoman for Michael Jackson says the pop star never intended to use the ladies room in a Dubai mall, he just did not recognize the Arabic sign on the door... he actually thought it was the sign for the children's bathroom.