French Curfews
In the hopes of stemming the riots in France, the government is imposing a nationwide curfew. If that doesn't work, French police are considering the even more radical idea of arresting the rioters.

Bush on Torture
President Bush is defending America's interrogation of suspected terrorists, saying that "we will aggressively pursue them, but we will do so under the law"... Viking law.

Bush on Torture II
President Bush defended U.S. interrogation of suspected terrorists abroad saying, "We do not torture people overseas." But that statement is strongly contradicted by the fact that the U.S. has exported more than 100,000 Ashlee Simpson CD's in the past month alone.

Top 5 Legal Ways to Torture Terror Suspects

5) Make them spend a week working on the Fernando Ferrer campaign

4) Force them to tell their stories to Judith Miller

3) Just sign them up as contestants on "Fear Factor"

2) Two words: "The Osmonds"

1) Make them try to coach Terrell Owens

Owens Gone
The Philadelphia Eagles have suspended star receiver Terrell Owens for the rest of the season after he fought with another player and verbally trashed the club in an interview. After showing no loyalty to his own team, the only job Owens is qualified for now is Democratic member of Congress.

Women and Jokes
A new study shows that women actually enjoy a good joke more than men do... which explains how we get so many women to agree to marry us.

Bush on Latin America
President Bush now says there are two competing visions for Latin American countries. One seeks greater democracy, which he supports, and the other plays to fear, and blames others for failures, which he doesn't support... because that's his plan for NORTH America.

Super Movie Launch
A new entertainment company, is planning "super releases" of movies, in which they will simultaneously premiere in theaters, on cable, and are on sale on DVD.... meaning the only way to avoid the next "Dukes of Hazzard" movie is to move to Amish country.

New Show
The Fox Reality Channel is launching a new show called "Who's Your Mommy?" where two women have a chance to meet their birth mothers. And the network has another show where two mothers get a chance to meet their illegitimate children who have grown up to be FOX executives... it's called "Who's a Bastard?"

Asteroid Odds
The Association of Space Explorers says there is only a 1-in-5,500 chance that a small asteroid will hit the earth by 2036. But these are the same guys who said there was only a 1-in-100,000 chance that they'd be making another "Rocky" movie by 2040!

Christians Save the Earth
More Evangelical Christians are lobbying the government to pass laws to curb pollution because of their belief that the Bible tells them to be "good stewards of the Earth." The oil companies are combating this by reminding Evangelicals that environmentalists are "kinda gay."

Smoking Education
A new report shows that nearly 40 percent of adolescents who try smoking do so because they saw it in movies... which is still better than the other 60% who learned how to smoke after watching their parents having sex.

Rose Jr. Busted
Pete Rose's son Pete Jr., has been charged with selling illegal drugs to his fellow minor league baseball players. In his defense, Rose insists he never sold drugs to members of his own team.

Rose Jr. Busted II
Pete Rose's son Pete Jr., has been charged with selling illegal prescription drugs to his fellow minor league baseball players. Rose Sr. is reacting to the news by doubling his bets on all the clubs his son's team is playing next season.