Monday, November 21, 2005

China Religion
President Bush is pressing China to allow more freedom of religion. But the Chinese government insists that it actually does allow all Chinese people the right to have a public prayer... right before they're executed.

China Religion II
President Bush is calling on China to allow more freedom of religion, saying he hopes the Chinese government "will not fear Christians who gather to worship openly." Of course, the only people who need to fear Christians who worship openly are American high school biology teachers.

Top 5 Things Overheard During President Bush's Meeting with Hu Jintao

5) "No Mr. President, you're not supposed to eat the message in the fortune cookie too."

4) "Can I stay here until my poll numbers go up?"

3) "I see you're using our advice on how to kill off political dissent."

2) "What can I get for John Murtha's kidneys on the black market?"

1) "Hey, how'd you get the new Harry Potter movie on DVD so fast?"

Bush Coming Back
President Bush is scheduled to return to the U.S. from the Far East later today. White House staffers are eager to get home and consult with their criminal defense lawyers.

Sharon Bolts
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is reportedly leaving the Likud party to start his own coalition where he'll have more control, less scrutiny, and won't have to share a buffet table with Benjamin Netanyahu.

Iraqi Raid
Despite a massive raid on insurgent forces in northern Iraq, the U.S. says it's pretty sure terror leader Abu Musab al Zarqawi was not killed. The Pentagon says it's under orders not to kill him until we get closer to the 2006 elections.

Rhodes Scholars
32 American college seniors were chosen Sunday to be Rhodes Scholars, and study at England's Oxford University next year. The award is even more prestigious this time because in addition to being cited for academic excellence, the winners will all be able to dodge the coming draft.

Jews Against Alito
One of the nation's largest Jewish groups has officially come out against Samuel Alito's nomination to the Supreme Court. The group says it doesn't have any quarrel with Alito's legal views; it's just that he hasn't called his mother in two whole days.

Potter #1
The new Harry Potter movie scored a better opening weekend at the U.S. box office than the previous three Potter films. Critics say it's because this movie has a better story, better action, and now Hermione has breasts.

Blake in Trouble
Robert Blake has been found liable for his wife's death and is being ordered to pay her family $30 million. To even come close to making that kind of money, Blake needs to quickly put together an "Our Gang" reunion before any more of the Little Rascals die.


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