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Top 5 Thanksgiving Eating Tips

5) To make sure you get all the white meat, start talking about the avian flu during the first course

4) Save some of the cranberry sauce to grease all the doorways you'll be squeezing through all weekend

3) Ensure some real holiday fun by spiking the gravy with gin

2) Remember the less fortunate by only eating 2 1/2 times your weight in stuffing

1) Remember, it's always easier to open a bottle of Wild Turkey than to cook one

Homeless Fall
A homeless man was trapped for hours Tuesday after falling into an open drainage pipe outside Atlanta. Witnesses heard the man calling for oxygen, a flashlight, and 35 cents for a cup of coffee.

Protesters Pinched
A group of protesters has been arrested after demonstrating outside the Bush ranch in Crawford, Texas. The President called the cops because the loud chanting was making it hard for him to hear what Dick Cheney was ordering him to do.

Gay Ban
The Vatican says priests can only remain in the Church if they manage to curtail their homosexual tendencies for at least 3 years. Incidentally, that's the same requirement the Church of Scientology imposes on people it gets to date Tom Cruise.

Pope on Rates
Pope Benedict XVI spoke out Wednesday against high interest rates. Apparently, they're killing the property values for the Sistine Chapel.