Jerry's New Gig
Jerry Hall will be the new spokesperson for Bayer Health Care; encouraging men to confront erectile dysfunction. It's a strange choice, since one of the biggest causes of erectile dysfunction is Jerry Hall.

Bush Speech
In a major speech yesterday, President Bush vowed to keep U.S. forces in Iraq until the people there can live a prosperous and peaceful life. The speech was definitely convincing as thousands of Hurricane Katrina refugees have now decided to move to Iraq.

Bush Speech II
President Bush says he will declare victory in Iraq when we see the strengthening of democratic institutions and adequate local security forces... then he might look into getting those things for the Unites States too.

Top 5 Signs of Victory in Iraq

5) We find just one Iraqi who doesn't want to kill us

4) FOX News Channel starts putting "Victory in Iraq" banners over every story... oh wait, they do that already!

3) Every Iraqi getting food, shelter, and an iPod Shuffle

2) ExxonMobil stock selling at $250 per share

1) They take the "X" off Dick Cheney's face

IRS Accuracy
A new report shows the IRS is more accurately answering taxpayers' call-in questions than ever before. But that's because instead of answering specific queries, they're just telling every caller, "hey, you're screwed."

Sharp Move
Airport security screeners are going to let passengers bring sharp objects on board airplanes again. So now you'll have something to stab yourself with while you stand on the security line for six hours.

Las Vegas Sports
The Mayor of Las Vegas is trying to lure a major league team to the city. But honestly, if the legalized gambling and prostitution haven't lured a pro sports team there already, nothing will.

Cruise Scolded
The American College of Radiology is criticizing Tom Cruise for buying his own sonogram machine to look at his unborn baby, saying that he could be putting the child at risk. But if I were that fetus, a little excess radiation would be the least of my worries.