Top 5 Tips for Successful Christmas Shopping

5) To keep your kids from slowing you down by visiting Santa, tell them it's Michael Jackson under that costume

4) If a fellow shopper is trampled, call for help first and THEN swipe their bags

3) Lighten your load by buying the one thing in every store that's actually made in America

2) To make sure you get the really best bargains, go shopping with Winona Ryder

1) Avoid the rush and declare bankruptcy now

Nick and Jessica Split
Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson have finally called it quits on their marriage. Nick is taking it well; especially since he's been awarded custody of Jessica's breasts

Billy's Goal
During an interview on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show," Billy Joel said he's trying to record a new album. Apparently, his biggest challenge is driving himself to the studio every morning.

Richardson Comes Clean
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has admitted he was never drafted by a Major League Baseball team, as he had claimed for years. This is likely to hurt his chances for the presidency, since American voters only like candidates who lie about silly things like wars, terrorism and the economy.

Brown's New Job
Disgraced former FEMA Director Mike Brown is starting a new emergency planning consulting business. Corporations are likely to use Brown as a model for finding the people they should never, ever hire.