Monday, November 28, 2005

Scotus Collapse
A part of the marble facade fell off the Supreme Court building in Washington Monday morning. By noon, commercials were running on cable urging President Bush to replace the facade with a more conservative structure.

Bush Immigration
President Bush wants to issue special temporary visas to illegal aliens that will allow them to work here for three years. Too bad there aren't any Americans who can find a job that will still be there in three years.

Immigration Demand
Several right wing groups are urging President Bush to start talking tough about the lax enforcement of immigration laws. But when it comes to wanting someone who will talk tough to immigrants, it's usually better to ask Barbara Bush.

Top 5 Real Reasons President Bush Wants to Grant Amnesty to Illegal Aliens

5) They're too busy working to protest his Iraq policies

4) He identifies with their inability to speak English

3) They don't ask for ridiculous things like public education and healthcare insurance

2) He remembers what it was like when he was poor and without connections... just kidding!

1) Some aliens are really funny, like Mork and that guy from "My Favorite Martian!"

Saddam's Beefs
Saddam Hussein had a heated exchange with the judge in his trial yesterday, complaining that he has to walk up four flights of stairs to the courtroom, is mistreated by his guards, and that he doesn't have any of those hot lawyers from "The Practice" on his defense team.

Alias Ending
ABC announced this week that the Jennifer Garner show "Alias" will be canceled at the end of this season... which is weird, because that show was over two years ago.

Retail Figures
The good news for retailers is that American consumers spent an estimated $27.8 billion in the post Thanksgiving weekend. The bad news is $26 billion of that went for gas.

Bush Blinders
A new report says that President Bush will not acknowledge bad news about Iraq even from top military officials. But the article does say he recognizes gloomy news when it's told to him through Puppet Theater.

Best Reps
Many pharmaceutical companies are hiring former college cheerleaders for their sales teams. Mostly because they're known for their athleticism, enthusiasm, and showing their underpants.

Bush at the Table
According to a survey by an online-sports gambling site, the world leader most people would like to play poker with is President Bush. Mostly because he's a lousy bluffer and doesn't hog any of the beer.

Canadian Government Falls
Canada's government has fallen now that Prime Minister Paul Martin has lost a vote of confidence. The news is shocking most Americans, who weren't even aware that Canada ever had a government.


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