No Milestone
Robin Lovitt, the man scheduled to become the 1,000th person executed since capital punishment was reinstated in 1976, was granted clemency yesterday by Virginia Governor Mark Warner. So Lovitt gets to live, but now he won't win the free car and groceries.

"X" Factor
CNN is still taking flak for airing video of Vice President Dick Cheney with an "X" over his face. The network is denying it was intentional, and that it really wanted to use a circle with a line through it.


Daredevil Charged
Alain Robert, a daredevil known as the "French Spider-Man," who was arrested for trying to climb a Houston building, says police mistook his anti-seizure medication for illegal drugs when they charged him with possession last week. You know, if I were an epileptic daredevil, I think drug charges would be the least of my worries.

Congressman Going Up the River
After admitting to taking in bribes from defense contractors in return for certain favors, California Congressman Randy Cunningham may get up to 10 years in jail. Funny, after President Bush started a war in Iraq for defense contractors, he got four more years in the White House.

Top 5 Things Congressman Randy Cunningham will Learn in Prison

5) In prison, a "defense contractor" is a huge guy you give cigarettes in return for protecting you in the shower

4) The guys in prison are a little higher class than the folks in Congress

3) Nothing really goes with orange

2) He might want to leave room in his cell for Tom, Scooter and Karl

1) Now, HE'S the intern

McDonald's Robs Wendy's
A man named Ronald MacDonald has been arrested for holding up a Wendy's restaurant in New Hampshire. MacDonald's friends say they knew it would come to this after he started spending so much time with the Hamburglar.

McDonald's Robs Wendy's II
A man named Ronald MacDonald has been arrested for holding up a Wendy's restaurant in New Hampshire. MacDonald says he wasn't looking for cash; he was just hoping to grab some of Wendy's heart pills.

Geisha Grumbles
Asian critics are blasting the new Steven Spielberg-produced film, "Memoirs of a Geisha," because the main Japanese characters are actually played by Chinese women. This is the most controversy Spielberg has faced since it turned out E.T. wasn't played by a real alien.

Made in Mexico
It turns out the uniforms of the US Border Patrol are made in Mexico... of course that's where our immigration policies are made too.

School's In
On Monday New Orleans opened its first public school since Hurricane Katrina hit the city. There, students in the "intelligent design" science classes learned why God hates them.

Rod's a Dad
Rod Stewart, 60, and his wife Penny Lancaster, 34, gave birth to a son this weekend. Immediately after the delivery, Stewart began harvesting the boy's organs for himself.

New CPR Guidelines
The American Heart Association has unveiled dramatic changes to its emergency CPR guidelines, making it easier and less intimidating for would-be rescuers. The American Bar Association is matching that by making it easier and less intimidation to sue that would-be rescuer.

Nick's New Role
Nick Lachey will star in a new sitcom in which he'll play a baseball player trying to navigate a new marriage. Critics believe it will be during this venture that Lachey will realize that no one wants to see anything he does if it doesn't include Jessica's breasts.

Xbox Problems
Many of the first people to buy the new Xbox 360 are returning the videogame systems because of crashes and glitches. The biggest glitch is that the more you play it, the more you become a loser.

Well-Read
A new survey reveals that Seattle is the nation's most literate city. And for the fifth year in a row, the nation's most illiterate city is Crawford, Texas.

Scotus Abortion
The Supreme Court will hear arguments today over whether doctors should have to notify a pregnant teenager's parents before performing an abortion. Pro-Life groups say "yes," Pro-Choice groups say "no," and the doctors just want to know where to send the bill.

Clooney's Little Car
George Clooney has bought a new Tango T600, a two-seat electric car that measures only 39 inches wide by 8 and 1/2 feet long. He'll have to return the car when he realizes it's not big enough for his ego.

Simple Life 4
E! announced this week that it will air the fourth season of "The Simple Life" and will use a new format that will allow feuding stars Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to both be on the show, but have no contact with each other. The idea comes from the people managing the Hillary and Bill Clinton's marriage.