The "HELP SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT JAKE" campaign is officially underway!!!

Radio personalities, please help Jake accomplish his goal of getting on staff at Letterman, Conan or the Daily Show by spreading the news, on the air, about Jake Novak's quest for comedy greatness!!

If you've used Jake's free material in the past, this is the fun and still free way to help him out... and it might even make a funny running segment for your show.

Why not have Jake do a phoner on your show where he can do his own humor and cater it especially for your audience?!?

If you're interested, you can contact Jake at jakesjokes@gmail.com

Parade Honoree
One of the stars of the Memorial Day Parade in Washington yesterday was World War I veteran Lloyd Brown. But it's not clear if the 103-year old Brown showed up in full uniform with his loaded rifle to participate in the parade, or because he heard President Bush was trying to ruin Social Security.

Bush Ceremony
President Bush laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier yesterday. The President was the perfect person to set the somber tone, since he had just seen his latest poll numbers.

Al Zarqawi Okay
In a new taped message, insurgent leader Abu Musab al Zarqawi assures Osama bin Laden that he was only slightly wounded in a recent attack. Zarqawi explains he had to exagerate the severity of his injuries at first so he could collect as much workman's comp as possible.

Iraqi Doctors Quitting
A new report shows that 32,000 Iraqi doctors have quit their jobs since 2003. It's not because of the continued terror attacks... it's just that ever since the Americans took over, all they do is fill out insurance forms.

Top 5 Signs We're in a Real Estate Bubble

5) The doghouse in your backyard has just been assessed at $315,000

4) $200 million Lotto winners can finally be able to quit their jobs, take a vacation, and put a small downpayment on a 1-bedroom apartment in Manhattan

3) All those crazy stock day-traders from the 90's now work at Century 21

2) Wait at your local doctor's office much shorter than the wait for a decent contractor to call you back

1) Elderly homeowners starting not to worry so much about President Bush ruining Social Security

NYPD Cameras
The New York City Police Department wants to put up 400 surveillance cameras across the city to record possible crime activities 24 hours a day. If approved, the only people doing more filming of crime scenes around the City than the cops would be the folks who produce all those "Law and Order" shows.

Memorial Day
On this Memorial Day, President Bush is reminding the nation that America’s war dead were just “ordinary folks” who did their duty. The “extraordinary folks” were the ones who got those no-show National Guard slots like he did.

Top 5 Things Americans Try to Remember on Memorial Day

5) Those days when gas was less than $2.50 a gallon

4) Where the heck we put the hot dog buns

3) Where we put that shopping list for the mall

2) A good excuse to leave the family cookout early

1) Why the Hell we went to war in Iraq

France EU Vote
French voters resoundingly voted against establishing closer ties with their European neighbors in a national referendum this weekend. The vote offers the first evidence that the European Union may be moving too fast, and that the French people really do just hate everybody.

Clinton Tired?
Former President Clinton is denying reports that his tour of the tsunami-ravaged areas in Asia is leaving him exhausted. But insiders do say he goes to bed every night muttering: “so many widows, so little time.”

More Viagra Blindness (Because I just can't help myself)
So they say Viagra is making some men experience total vision loss. So I guess Stevie Wonder isn't the only blind guy out there with a big smile on his face.

Crane Man Captured
After he stayed atop a crane for 56 hours, Atlanta police finally captured crime suspect Carl Rowland early Saturday. Rowland is wanted in Florida in connection with the murder of his girlfriend, and in Atlanta he's wanted for staging a ridiculous stunt that still didn't do anything to help CNN's ratings.

Jake's Comedy Corner is coming right to your email! To get Jake's jokes emailed to you directly Monday-Friday, just send a blank email to jakesjokes@gmail.com

Viagra Blindness
Some men taking Viagra are reporting cases of total vision loss. But for years, men have been using something that leaves them sexually aroused and blind; it's called beer.

Viagra Blindness II
Some men taking Viagra are reporting cases of total vision loss. Going blind while being artificially aroused is a scary thought for most men, but it's totally great news for that guy who married Star Jones.

Viagra Blindness III
Some men taking Viagra are reporting cases of total vision loss. Doctors aren't sure how to cure their blindness, but at least these guys have a built-in walking stick.

Porn Scam
Police say a female porn star was able to get dozens of bank tellers in New Jersey to approve phony withdrawals because of her "acting experience." That's funny, whenever I make a withdrawal they ask me to show my ID, not fake an orgasm.

Paris Hilton Commercial
Critics say a sexy new Carl's Junior burger TV ad starring Paris Hilton is too racy. If it were any sexier, it would be as damaging to the heart as a burger from Carl's Junior.

The "HELP SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT JAKE" campaign is officially underway!!!

Radio personalities, please help Jake accomplish his goal of getting on staff at Letterman, Conan or the Daily Show by spreading the news, on the air, about Jake Novak's quest for comedy greatness!!

If you've used Jake's free material in the past, this is the fun and still free way to help him out... and it might even make a funny running segment for your show.

Why not have Jake do a phoner on your show where he can do his own humor and cater it especially for your audience?!?

If you're interested, you can contact Jake at jakesjokes@gmail.com

WEB ALERT!! I was featured Thursday in the "Pass It On" section on the popular TomPaine.com Web site! Here's the link (you'll find it on the bottom of the homepage or in the "Pass It On archive): Pass It On

Bolton Vote Delayed
Last night the Senate moved to delay the confirmation vote for U.N. Ambassador nominee John Bolton. This works well for both sides; the Democrats get to canvas for more votes against Bolton, while the Republicans get more time to figure out how to make this another religious issue.

Top 5 Things Mahmoud Abbas Will Do with the New $50 million in U.S. Aid

5) Order massive new food subsidies... for Suha Arafat

4) Ensure Israelis really do move out of Gaza by paying back their security deposit

3) Buy fleet of limos for Palestinian officials because even they're afraid to ride the bus

2) Find some way to get "Everybody Loves Raymond" back on the air

1) Earmark the first $1 million to fight corruption, then steal the rest

Spice Girls Reunion?
The Spice Girls may reunite to perform at a new Live Aid concert to fight world hunger. It's a brilliant move because after seeing them perform again, even the world's starving people will never want to eat again.

Zarqawi Injury Confirmed
Iraq's government says insurgent leader Abu Musab al Zarqawi has indeed been injured and has fled to a neighboring country for treatment. The fact that we don't know which country he went to is frustrating the Pentagon, but at least we now have an excuse to bomb Iran AND Syria.

Zarqawi Cell Depleted
Reports say most of insurgent leader Abu Musab al Zarqawi's inner circle is vanishing. Informers say they've either been killed, captured, or joined that other terror group with the better health plan.

Top 5 Things the U.S. Will Do with the $25 million They Now Won't Have to Pay for Zarqawi's Capture

5) Pay expensive plumber to fix all the toilets at Guantanamo Bay clogged with copies of the Koran

4) Pay for a week's worth of Dick Cheney's heart pills

3) Bush has 3 1/2 more years in office... better save it for the next war

2) Go to every newsstand every week and buy every copy of Newsweek before anyone finds out the other crap they're pulling

1) Ah, who are we kidding? They're just gonna give it to Halliburton!

D'Amato Favoritism?
Critics say a decision to give former Senator Al D'Amato's wife Katuria a $38,000 job on a Long Island zoning board amounts to unfair favoritism. But experts say it all evens out, because every night she still has to sleep with Al D'Amato.

CIA War Game
The CIA is simulating a mock cyber war, to see how prepared the U.S. would be if sensitive web sites were hacked by terrorists. But critics are wondering if this is the best time to conduct this exercise, since all the CIA's best computer geeks are still busy watching the Star Wars movie.

Kleinfeld's Move
After 54 years, the famed upscale Kleinfeld's bridal shop is moving from Bay Ridge, Brooklyn to Manhattan. This means the only overpriced thing left in Bay Ridge is the toll for the Verrazano bridge.

Runaway Bride Charged
A Georgia grand jury has charged runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks with one count of making false statements, and one count of making a false report of a crime. If convicted, she could face jail time, fines, and a job offer at Newsweek.

Runaway Bride Charged II
A Georgia grand jury has charged runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks with one count of making false statements, one count of making a false report of a crime, and one count of falsely making people think that her story would boost MSNBC's ratings.

Disney Boycott Over
Conservative Christian groups are ending their boycott of Disney. Church leaders realized that now that they control the entire Republican party, why should they waste their time on just one corporation?

Top 5 Christian-Approved New Attractions at DisneyWorld

5) "Burn the Witch at the Stake Mountain"

4) "Pinocchio's Evolution Fairy Tales"

3) "Armageddon Land"

2) "The Hall of Republican Presidents"

1) "Missionaries of the Caribbean"

No Jacko Testimony
Defense lawyers say Michael Jackson will not testify in his own defense at his child molestation trial. But it's not clear if he's keeping quiet because he's going to win his case anyway, or because his new plastic lips aren't working yet.

Stem Cell Filibuster
Many of the same U.S. Senators who called the Democrats' filibuster of conservative judicial nominees a unfair tactic are vowing a filibuster of their own to stop any vote on stem cell research. Apparently, they're worried stem cell research could lead to a cure for hypocrisy.

Top 5 Signs Partisan Members of the Senate Still Aren't Getting Along

5) Conservative Republicans still putting "kick me" sign on Hillary's back every time she leaves the Senate floor

4) After 2 years, Senators who voted for Reuben Studdard still not talking to Senators who voted for Clay Aiken

3) John Kerry still refusing to date Republican Senator's wives... even if they're rich!

2) As a practical joke, Republican Senators are still ordering 20 Dominos pizzas to Ted Kennedy's house every night... and he keeps eating all of them!

1) The only issue they still all agree on is giving themselves another pay raise

911 Calls
An 86-year-old North Carolina woman has been jailed after calling 911 several times to complain that her local pizza parlor wouldn't deliver. Of course, everyone knows you shouldn't call 911 to complain about a fast food place unless you find a finger in your meal.

PBS Defense
Defending her network from attacks that it's too liberal, PBS president Pat Mitchell says "PBS does not belong to any American political party." Of course, that's only because America has no socialist party.

Original Americans
Scientists now believe North America was first populated by a tribe of as few as 70 people who first came here about 10,000 years ago. It's believed they were able to survive where so many others failed by working harder, hunting smarter, and not messing with Social Security.

More Millionaires
The good news is the number of American millionaires has now hit an all-time high of seven and half million people. The bad news is most of them own gas stations.

Officer Shaq
Shaquille O'Neal says that after he retires, he wants to become a police officer tracking down dangerous criminals. Of course he could practice now by arresting everyone on the Portland Trailblazers.

Officer Shaq II
Shaquille O'Neal says that after he retires from the NBA, he wants to become an undercover police officer... not because he likes clandestine work, it's just that no police department has uniforms in his size.

Bush on Stem Cells
President Bush is speaking out against stem cell research saying "we should not use public money to support the further destruction of human life." Does that mean we're pulling out of Iraq soon?

Top 5 Bush Administration Alternatives to Stem Cell Research

5) Instead of growing new organs with stem cells, just take some from Iraqi prisoners!

4) Only let stem cell researchers destroy some human embryos… the gay ones

3) Drill for fresh organs in the Alaskan National Wildlife Reserve

2) Instead of freezing human embryos, just harvest human body parts from your local Wendy's

1) Ask Jesus really nicely to stop making people sick

Stem Cell Congress
Right wing members of Congress are vowing to block new stem cell research despite new evidence that it could offer treatments for many debilitating ailments. But that could change as soon as someone proves that stem cell research can cure the debilitating mental ailments that affect right wing members of Congress.

Leno's Testimony
Jay Leno says it "sounded phony" when the child accuser in the Michael Jackson trial told him he was his hero. But it's not clear if it sounded any phonier than it does when Kevin Eubanks tells him the same thing every night.

Al-Zarqawi Hurt
An al Qaeda Web site claims that Iraqi insurgent leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi has been injured. The terrorist group is using the news to give Zaqawi hero status, implore followers to stage more attacks, and clearly explain its policies for calling in sick.

Unhappy Meals
An entertainment watchdog group says Burger King's "Star Wars"-themed children's meals amount to an endorsement of movie violence. Burger King denies that, insisting that its meals have always only amounted to an endorsement of childhood obesity.

GM Discount Push
In hopes of boosting sagging sales, General Motors is asking its retired executives to offer their vehicle discounts to other people. It's not really much of a sacrifice, since nobody who's ever worked at GM is actually dumb enough to buy one of their cars!

GM Discount Push II
In hopes of boosting sagging sales, General Motors is asking its retired executives to give away their vehicle discounts. In a related story, GM is asking all its non-executive retirees to give away their pensions and health care insurance.

No Nukes
The U.S. Senate cut a deal on judicial filibusters just before Republican Senators had to resort to the dreaded "nuclear option"… which included killing debate, slowing Senate business, and canceling a whole week's worth of everyone's fundraisers.

No Nukes II
By making a deal to avoid further filibustering, the Senate has saved itself from descending into an all-out war, saved the judiciary from continued vacancies, and saved America from having to see any more of Bill Frist and Harry Reid on CNN.

Frist Hurt?
Some political experts say Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist's inability to force an up or down vote on all the judicial nominees will hurt his presidential chances. But others say that if the Republicans rejected candidates simply because they couldn't accomplish anything, they certainly wouldn't have nominated George W. Bush!

Laura's Back
First Lady Laura Bush is back from her 5-day Middle East trip. Now if she wants to see a bunch of hot-headed religious fanatics, she'll just have to visit Congress.

Spyware Bill
The House has voted to establish new penalties for people who make Internet software that gathers personal information from a user's computer. Members of Congress want to make it clear that it's only okay for the government to illegally spy on you.

College Drop-Outs
A new study shows that the college dropout rate is soaring. Experts believe it's because most students would rather not wait four years to be unemployed when they can be unemployed now.

Wal-Mart Art
The family that owns Wal-Mart is planning to build a $50 million art museum in their hometown of Bentonville, Arkansas. The only question is: how will they get the museum all the way to Arkansas once they're finished making it in China?

Graves Released
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Danny Graves has been released after he made an obscene gesture to a fan at a game on Sunday. There's no word yet on whether anyone else in the organization will be fired for the obscene gesture of charging $49 per seat at every Reds game.

Trump University
Donald Trump says his new business school, Trump University, will issue no real degrees and offer no real classes. Apparently the idea came from the same people who made his hair.

Top 5 Classes Offered at the New Trump University (originally posted August 27, 2004)

5) Pre-nup economics

4) Comb-over geometry

3) Swedish for guys who want to date models

2) The history of trophy wives

1) The ego, superego, and Trump ego

Viagra Medicare
A new study shows that federal funds are being used to help convicted rapists and child molesters buy Viagra. It's the most public money spent to help sex offenders commit more crimes since they built a private office in the White House for Bill Clinton.

Afghan Crops
The U.S. says it wants to help Afghanistan get its poppy farmers to plant pomegranates and honeydew melons instead. The farmers say they're willing to try that, as soon as someone tells them how to take pomegranates and honey dew melons and convert them into an addictive, inject-able liquid.

Pilot Punished (for my fan or fans at the FAA)
The pilot who almost got shot down by U.S. Air Force jets after drifting over restricted airspace in Washington, DC earlier this month has had his license revoked. He can reapply after one year... or after he gets all the stains out of his flight pants, whichever comes first.

Top 5 Punishment Jobs for the D.C. Airspace Scare Pilot (also for my fan or fans at the FAA)

5) One year of duty as private pilot for Rosie O'Donnell

4) Afghan poppy crop duster

3) Baghdad Airport baggage handler

2) United Airlines pension fund finder

1) Air Force target shooting training dummy

Wedding Costs
A new study says the cost of the average wedding has soared to more than $26,300. The first $20,000 is spent just filling up the gas tank in the bride's limo.

Computer Course Enrollment Down
The number of undergraduates signing up for computer degrees is down 10% from last year. But that's only because those courses are mostly taught in Chinese and Hindi.

Bobby Brown's Posse
Two men in singer Bobby Brown's entourage were hospitalized for knife wounds after a fight at a restaurant yesterday. Police immediately cleared Brown of any connection with the crime because he only attacks women.

Beatty Slams Arnold
While delivering a graduation speech at UC Berkeley this weekend, actor Warren Beatty said he could do a better job than Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. But it's not clear if Beatty was talking about governing or groping.

Laura's Take
First Lady Laura Bush says she was not surprised by the near-riot that broke out while she visited Jerusalem this weekend adding that "people who are unaware that tensions in this region can be set off with the slightest provocation really aren't familiar with this region"... in other words, people like her husband.

Laura's Courage
First Lady Laura Bush says she was never frightened as a near-riot broke out while she visited the Dome of the Rock mosque in Jerusalem this weekend. That's because since it was a mosque, she knew there couldn't be any dangerous gay people around.

Excited Bear
Wildlife officials say the black bear that waded into a suburban Los Angeles pool was probably desperately looking for a mate. But why a hairy beast in heat was searching for love in a swimming pool and not the MGM studio lot is still unknown.

Spokane Mayor Staying On
Despite evidence that he tried to meet young men for sex over the Internet, Spokane Mayor Jim West is refusing to step down. West says if he really wanted to use political office for sexual pursuits, he would have run for Congress.

Desperate Housewives Season Finale
Most of the secrets were finally revealed on Sunday's "Desperate Housewives" finale. But viewers will just have to wait until next season to learn if the sexy plumber Mike will survive, if the cheating husband Rex is really dead, and if the trashy Nicolette Sheridan's body can survive anymore plastic surgery.

AIG Case
Indictments could be coming soon for several executives at AIG Insurance accused of accounting fraud. The judge in the case will face several challenges including sifting through confusing evidence, keeping the lawyers in check, and finding a jury with 12 actual people who won't want to sentence a bunch of insurance executives to death even before testimony begins.

Filibuster Deadline
The clock is ticking on members of the U.S. Senate trying to hammer out a deal on judicial filibusters. They only have until tomorrow before most of them finally begin to realize that 99% of Americans really don't give a damn.

Top 5 New Story-Gathering Procedures at Newsweek

5) Reporters will only copy stories from "The Weekly World News" about aliens, not the war on terror

4) Just to be sure, all questionable anonymous sources will be asked to leave a $50 deposit along with their information

3) Will test to see if members of their special Muslim focus group start to kill each other over any of their stories before they go ahead and publish them

2) New rule: "If publishing the story would actually make the Bush White House look relatively ethical, then kill it!"

1) All stories will now first be checked by two senior editors and Donald Rumsfeld's publicist

Karzai's Defense
Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai says Western countries need to do more to help fight his nation's war on poppy farmers. The United States has immediately pledged to help deplete the Afghan heroin supply by sending Robert Downey Jr. to Kabul.

Supreme Court Illegals
The Supreme Court has rejected an appeal by a Mexican man on death row in Texas who says his sentence should be overturned because he was not able to get legal counsel from Mexico. In its decision, the court cited international law, the Constitution, and everything they've learned from watching Lou Dobbs on CNN.

Monica Musical
Preparations are underway for a new Off-Broadway musical based on the life of Monica Lewinsky. Auditions for the lead role are being held on the corner of 52nd Street and 10th Avenue between 1 and 3AM.

Laura Protested
A large crowd of Palestinians demonstrated against First Lady Laura Bush as she visited the Temple Mount in Jerusalem today. The protesters were angry about the U.S.-Israeli friendship, the war in Iraq, and the fact that Laura hasn't given them any new funny lines about President Bush in three weeks.

Subway Photo Ban Axed
The New York City Police Department says it won't enforce a ban on taking pictures in the subway. Cops decided to lay off because it turns out all that flash photography doesn't really bother the rats at all.

Teacher Weds Student
Mary Kay Letourneau married her former 6th grade student Vili Fualaau outside Seattle this weekend. It was a short ceremony, so it wouldn't conflict with Fualaau's bedtime.

Bush's Graduation Speech
Speaking at Calvin College's commencement ceremonies today, President Bush urged the graduates to follow his example and consider public service. But if the graduates truly want to follow Bush's example, they'll need to spend the next 20 years taking cushy jobs and getting drunk... then they can think about running for office.

Saddam's Picture
Experts say a British tabloid's decision to publish pictures of Saddam Hussein in his underwear is a violation of human rights. But it's not clear whose rights are being violated; Hussein's or the readers'.


Top 5 Slogans for the Newly-Merged U.S. Airways and America West Airlines

5) "Something Leveraged in the Air"

4) "Two Wrongs Make a Flight"

3) "We're in Chapter Eleven, and it Shows!"

2) "Be Advised, Our Pilots Always Carry Less than $20"

1) "Misery Loves Company"

NBA Steroid Rules
Congress is bashing the NBA's anti-steroid policy, calling it a "joke." But NBA commissioner David Stern says it's hard to screen the players for steroids when they all have to take paternity tests first.

Jackson Case Wrapping Up
The Michael Jackson case is expected to wrap up in the next two weeks thanks to shortened witness lists, a focused judge, and low Neilson ratings.

Cosby's Donation
Comedian Bill Cosby has made a $600,000 donation to Bennett College for Women in North Carolina. Cosby wants the money to be used in the school's renowned English, Science and Groping departments.

Lewd Subway Cam Broken
New York City Police now say the hidden "upskirt" camera they found at a subway station this week was actually not functioning. Had it been operational, it would have been the first thing to work in the subway since 1964.

Larry Nixed
The judge in the Michael Jackson case didn't allow CNN host Larry King to testify for the defense, saying his testimony would be irrelevant. Defense lawyers should have known that would happen, since King's show has been irrelevant for 6 years.

Women in Combat
Congress is expected to pass a bill that extends the ban on women from serving in ground combat. The Pentagon is supporting the ban, because putting women on the front lines takes them away from the key role they play in humiliating naked Arab prisoners of war.

Top 5 Secrets Revealed in the New Star Wars Movie

5) Darth Vader's heavy breathing is only scary because he could really use some Listerine

4) Evil emperor takes control of the Galaxy using dark side powers, illegal campaign donations

3) Jedi Knights all resoundingly defeated, get shows on Air America

2) Annakin Skywalker attracted to dark side's brute power, huge potential merchandising revenue

1) All the Star Wars geeks camping out at theaters will never get a date... oh wait, that's not a secret

Laura in the Middle East
First Lady Laura Bush will make a solo visit to the Middle East this week. Arab people are hoping Mrs. Bush will show them how to make fun of her husband without being sent to Guantanamo Bay.

Senate Secrets
The Senate intelligence committee will discuss the renewal of the Patriot Act behind closed doors, prompting objections from ACLU lawyers who are worried the Senators might secretly say some prayers.

Larry King for Jacko
Larry King was slated to testify for Michael Jackson's defense today. Of course, King likes Jackson because he's a celebrity, and Jackson likes King because he wears diapers.

Saudi Secrets
A new book called "Secrets of the Kingdom," claims that the Saudi Arabian government has a nation-wide self-destruct system that involves setting off explosives at key oil ports and pipelines. The U.S. self-destruct mechanism involves electing more Republicans to Congress.

Schiavos Meet Benedict
Terri Schiavo's parents met with Pope Benedict this week. They have a lot in common; they're Catholic, devout, and are desperately trying to get back on CNN.

Women's Priorities
A new survey by Allure magazine says that 81% of women believe being good at their job is more important than being attractive. So THAT's why most hookers look so skanky!

Latino Wins L.A. Mayor's Race
Antonio Villaraigosa became the first Latino to win the Mayor's office in Los Angeles in 133 years with a sweeping victory over incumbent James Hahn. Hahn and his supporters are now expected to seek day labor at construction sites and restaurants.

Top 5 Real Reasons CBS is Canceling "60 Minutes II"

5) Most of show's typical viewers too busy traveling to Canada to buy cheaper arthritis drugs

4) Complies with corporate-owned media's new credo: "If you can't say something nice about President Bush, then don't say anything at all"

3) Nation's best document-forgers all asking for a 15% pay hike

2) Show's elderly anchors taking too many afternoon naps

1) That damned annoying stopwatch finally stopped ticking

Trump's Plan
Donald Trump wants to build an almost-exact replica of the Twin Towers at Ground Zero. While Trump does have experience rebuilding where there was once devastation, this will be a much tougher job than his hairdo.

Battle of the Sexes
A new Life Magazine survey shows that most men want to have sex on the weekend, while most women want to spend their weekends getting some sleep. This actually means men and women can both get what they want on the weekend as long as women are willing to wait three minutes.

Weapons in Space
The Air Force is pushing for a plan to deploy weapons in space. The offensive weapons would include laser-guided missile launchers, spy probes, and two more satellites that broadcast the FOX News Channel.

Grenade Attack
The Secret Service now confirms there was a live grenade thrown near President Bush when he spoke in Tblisi, Georgia last week, but it did not go off. Usually, the only dud you find at a Bush event is the President's speech.

Star Wars Opens Tonight
Huge lines continue to grow outside theaters as "Revenge of the Sith" premieres at midnight. But it's not clear if the crowds are mostly geeky American fans of the movies, or geeky American computer programmers whose jobs have been outsourced to India.

Star Wars Gross
Experts say George Lucas' fictional Star Wars stories will gross more than $20 billion in total box office and merchandising revenues... a figure bettered only by the $240 billion Halliburton has grossed from President Bush's fictional stories about the war in Iraq.

Senate Compromise?
The U.S. Senate is reportedly close to a deal that would break the filibuster on some of President Bush's judicial nominees. Experts call the deal a "win-win" for both sides because the plan allows the Democrats to keep stalling on three nominations, and the Republicans to keep stalling on health care, education and jobs.

Top 5 Compromises Being Considered to End the Senate Filibuster

5) Democrats will give five conservative judicial nominees an up-or-down vote, Republicans will let Ted Kennedy cut the cafeteria line on "Pudding Day"

4) Republicans will allow three conservative judicial nominations to die, Democrats will allow three terminally brain-damaged women in Florida to live

3) Democrats and Republicans will evenly split money that would have been spent on another month's worth of TV commercials bashing each other

2) Democrats won't block the Republicans' "top choice" nominees, Republicans won't block the Democrats' "top choice" interns

1) Democrats agree to stop abusing the filibuster, Republicans agree to stop abusing everything else

Wal-Mart Deer
A deer that wandered into a Wal-Mart in Norfolk, Nebraska was quickly tackled and then pushed back outside. It's unclear why the deer was mistaken for a union organizer.

Lucas Not Bashing Bush
George Lucas is denying suggestions that there are parallels between the evil emperor in the Star Wars movies and the Bush administration. That's mostly because the emperor clearly knows what he's doing.

Star Wars Dates
Hundreds of Star Wars fans in New York are posting messages online looking for dates to the movie's opening night, but they are all demanding that their dates purchase their own tickets first... which adds an irresistible "cheapness factor" to their already nerdy personalities.

Lord of the Rings Tickets
Tickets for the stage production of Lord of the Rings went on sale this week in Toronto. This caused a major dilemma for the city's leading geeks, who had to decide to either buy tickets or keep camping out in front the theaters showing Star Wars.

Super X-Rays
The Transportation Security Administration says it will soon begin using new x-ray machines that act as "virtual strip searches" because they show a clear picture of what's under a passenger's clothes. But TSA workers are showing great reluctance to use the machine, not because of privacy issues, but because Rosie O'Donnell travels so frequently.

Gay Marriage Poll
A new survey shows that half of Americans disapprove of same-sex marriages and don't want their states to recognize them. The other half wants to wait to see if President Bush's new relationship with Saudi Prince Abdullah brings down gas prices before they make any judgments.

Cuban Protests
About one million Cubans are taking to the streets of Havana today to demand that the U.S. arrest Cuban exile Luis Posada. Cubans want Posada returned to Havana because he's accused of terrorism, conspiracy, and may be holding the entire nation's three remaining rolls of toilet paper.

GMA in HD
Good Morning America will become the first morning show to broadcast in high-definition this fall... bringing the super visual accuracy to muffin recipes the nation has craved for years.

Bush's Gifts
President Bush's friends and admirers gave him several high-priced gifts last year, including a $2,700 mountain bike and thousands of dollars worth of fishing gear. Apparently, even Bush's supporters would rather he just stay on vacation.

Madonna at Cannes
Madonna has turned down a slot as a judge at the Cannes film festival because it conflicted with her Kabbalah meetings. Funny, I would have thought it actually just conflicted with her complete inability to recognize a good film.

Newsweek Retraction
Newsweek now admits its reports of Koran desecration cannot be confirmed. The Pentagon is responding by blasting the magazine for reporting things that didn't happen, and for not assigning those same reporters to the WMD story in Iraq.

Newsweek Retraction II
While Newsweek's decision to report stories of Koran desecration has set off huge protests in the Arab world, it's decision not to put the new Star Wars movie on the cover is setting off huge protests in the geek world.

Top 5 Other Newsweek Clarifications on its Guantanamo Story

5) Detainees forced to watch "American Idol," not "According to Jim"

4) Younger inmates not actually sent to Neverland Ranch

3) Web access is allowed, but only with annoying dial-up connection

2) Detainees actually consider monthly showers an unusual luxury

1) Inmates get decent meals, not like the ones our troops are getting from Halliburton

Chappelle Surfaces
A week after abruptly leaving the set of his hit show, comedian Dave Chappelle insists he's not crazy or addicted to drugs. Chappelle says he was simply "stressed out," and went to South Africa to find peace, quiet, and new ways to make fun of White people.

Top 5 Things Stressing Out Dave Chappelle

5) Having trouble avoiding millions crack addicts who want to attack him for making fun of them... and ask him for spare change

4) Sure he's got a $50 million contract, but he can't find a check cashing place that will handle that kind of money

3) Can't decide whether he it's still okay to do Rick James sketches now that he's dead

2) Greedy friends and associates keep wanting him to do outrageous things... like eat

1) Dennis Miller keeps begging him for a job

Pickup Seat Belts
A new report shows that people who drive pickup trucks wear seat belts less often than other drivers and have a much higher death rate in crashes. It's the first good news for the Democratic party in 9 years.

Putin's Oil-for-Food
A Senate panel now says it has proof that Russian President Vladimir Putin personally profited from the "oil-for-food" scandal at the U.N. Of course, it's still not clear if Putin profited as much as Dick Cheney has from the "war-for-oil" scandal in the U.S.

War College Threatened
The Army's War College in Pennsylvania may face relocation or cutbacks in the latest round of base closings. Experts say the institution is threatened by budget problems, space constraints, and the fact that the last 3 U.S. wars have been managed by idiots.

Condi's Surprise Visit
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq today. But her visit disappointed hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops who thought they were going to see a woman.

Koran Desecration
Thousands of Muslims are taking to the streets to protest reports of U.S. soldiers putting copies of the Koran on toilets in Afghanistan. It's not clear whether the crowds are angry about the disrespect for the Koran, or if they're just jealous of the fact that there are some people in Afghanistan who actually have toilets.

Pope Sainthood Fast Track
The Vatican is putting the late Pope John Paul II on the fast track to sainthood. Officials are working to document his miracles, including claims that he healed a man with a brain tumor, saved a dying child, and finally got the American news media to stop covering Paris Hilton for five minutes.

Wendy's Mystery Solved
It turns out the severed finger a woman claimed to have found in her Wendy's chili really belonged to one of her friends who lost the finger in a work accident. Anna Ayala had asked the man to bring it to her home. Geez, whenever I visit my friends, they usually just ask me to bring over a bottle of wine or something!

Top 5 Signs Your Military Base Will Be Closed
5) Sole purpose of your base is protecting the world's largest ball of twine

4) All the local brothels have already moved

3) Your base hasn't deterred an Indian attack since 1870

2) Your base commander is moonlighting as the night manager at Wal-Mart

1) Both your U.S. Senators are Democrats

Paula's Quest
Paula Abdul's revelation that she has been suffering from complex regional pain syndrome is finally giving the rare disease the recognition it deserves from the medical community. Insiders say this is working out much better than Abdul's first notion, which was to sleep with the entire medical community.

Wedding Slush Fund
Tennessee state Senator John Ford has been fined for spending $15,000 worth of campaign contributions on his daughter's wedding. But Ford insists it was okay to use the cash because just like his campaign contributors, his daughter knew she was about to get screwed.

Dennis Miller Canned
CNBC has canceled Dennis Miller's prime-time show due to low ratings, weak ad sales, and the fact that even Laura Bush now knows that making fun of President Bush can make you a hit.

Penthouse Changes
In a move to attract more upscale readers, Penthouse will no longer feature ads for phone sex, escort services and hardcore videos in the back of their magazines. But I thought all the sophisticated men read Penthouse for the articles!

Nolte's Caution I
Nick Nolte says he's turned down several invitations to visit the White House because he's a convicted felon and he doesn't believe the President should be with criminals. But the current administration just wants Nolte to come over so President Bush can see first-hand what would happen if he started drinking again.

Nolte's Caution II
Nick Nolte says he's turned down several invitations to visit the White House because he's a convicted felon and he doesn't believe the President should be with criminals. That stance now makes Nolte the nation's most powerful advocate for campaign finance reform.

Colonial Realism
Colonial Williamsburg is trying to boost sagging attendance by making the area more historically accurate. But the effort is backfiring, because in addition to serving authentic foods and speaking in 18th century English, officials have also removed all the park's toilet paper.

Condom Ads
Trojan is still lobbying the major networks to start running condom ads during prime-time. But FOX already uses primetime to show America the serious consequences of not using condoms every time it airs "The Simple Life."

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

(Yes, there are two jokes in the column by other authors that look A LOT like ones I've written in the past... I guess I "inspired" them)

Top 5 Signs Homeland Security Officials Handled the DC Plane Scare Well

5) Agents scrambled to keep our leadership safe by first securing Dick Cheney, then President Bush

4) Evacuation of Congress was so quick, 5 Senators forgot to pull their pants up before rushing out of their interns' offices

3) Quickly protected America's mental health by getting that stupid runaway bride story off Fox News

2) On orders from the White House, investigators rushed to confirm whether the pilot and the instructor were gay

1) Threat was neutralized before United Airlines executives could use it as an excuse to raid more of the pension fund

Runaway Bride Treatment
Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks has checked into an inpatient program to deal with the mental issues that drove her to fake her abduction. There's still no word on where cable news executives are going to be treated to deal with the mental issues that drove them to cover this stupid story for days on-end.

Lucky Woman
A 70-year old woman fell out of a ninth-story window in Fort Lauderdale yesterday, but she was not seriously injured. Congress is using the incident as an excuse to make further cuts to Medicare.

Culkin's Denial
Former child actor Macaulay Culkin says that he hung out with Michael Jackson when he was 10-years old because the two of them had a "special bond and understanding." They both liked video games, roller coasters, and fine wine.

New Mammal Discovered
Scientists have identified a rodent-like animal in Asia that they say is the first discovery of a new kind of mammal in more than 30 years. Biologists are especially excited to have found the animals before they were eaten by contestants on "Survivor."

Recruiting Suspended
The U.S. Army is suspending all recruiting operations for one day and use that time to re-train recruiters on ethics. Recruiters will be reminded that they cannot falsify documents, intimidate people, or tell potential recruits that they're going to "Club Med Baghdad."

DeLay Dinner
Conservative groups are honoring House Majority Leader Tom DeLay with a gala dinner in Washington this evening. The purpose of the dinner is to show public support for DeLay, bash his liberal critics, and keep him from taking any lobbyist-sponsored out-of-town trips for at least one night.

Vile Protest
A Canadian man was arrested this week after he protested the dumping of raw sewage into the Pacific Ocean by trying to enter a government meeting dressed as a giant piece of human feces. But no charges are being filed against members of the Canadian government, who act like pieces of human feces every day.

Timberlake For Hire
British billionaire Philip Green is offering Justin Timberlake $1 million to perform at his son's Bar Mitzvah. Timberlake is agreeing to the deal, but only if he doesn't have to do the whole Haftorah.

BREAKING NEWS!! WHITE HOUSE & CAPITOL EVACUATED!!

DC Emergency Evacuations
The White House and the Capitol building were both evacuated today after a single-engine plane drifted into restricted airspace. Two people were detained, the pilot of the plane and the pilot's wife, who continued yelling at him to stop and ask for directions.

DC Emergency Evacuations II
After today's emergency evacuation at the Capitol, the "all clear" was sounded after 15 minutes. The brief delay in Congressional business actually saved the Social Security trust fund $100 million.

DC Emergency Evacuations III
The state of emergency was quickly rescinded as soon as the plane was judged to be safe, no terror threats were found, and President Bush's poll numbers got back over 50%.

United Pension Plan Cut
A federal court is allowing United Airlines to reduce its pension fund payments to stay in business. United says it's absolutely necessary to raid the pension fund so it can continue funding the airline's executive sexual harassment fund.

Top 5 Signs Your Pension Fund is Being Raided

5) Minimum company retirement age changed from 60 to 115

4) Top executives keep inviting Wal-Mart recruiters to meet with older workers during lunch

3) Instead of mailing benefit checks, company now requires you to collect them in person... in Haiti

2) Company starts killing off older workers by drastically reducing healthcare benefits... oh wait, they're doing that even if you don't have a pension

1) George W. Bush is still in the White House

Macaulay's Testimony
Former child star Macaulay Culkin is expected to testify today that Michael Jackson never did anything out of the ordinary to him during his frequent visits to the Neverland Ranch. That doesn't mean Culkin wasn't abused, it just means Jackson didn't do anything to Culkin that his parents hadn't done already.

Stones Tour
The Rolling Stones were in New York City yesterday to announce a new concert tour beginning in August. The Stones say they'll keep rocking until they've paid every one of their paternity settlements in full.

Top 5 Songs on the New Rolling Stones Album

5) "Help Me Up!"

4) "Gimmie a Tax Shelter"

3) "Brown Splenda"

2) "19th Hip Replacement"

1) "Let's Take a Nap Together"

Bush Praises Georgia
President Bush says that the people of the former Soviet republic of Georgia proved to the world that determined citizens can rise up and claim their freedom from oppressive rulers... unless of course, they try to do it by voting electronically in Ohio.

Bumble Bee's Plan
Bumble Bee Tuna now plans to sell the fish oils it usually just throws away to vitamin makers. Finding a profitable outlet for otherwise useless things is kind of like what happens when companies hire all the former Bush cabinet members.

Coke Bust
Police in New York questioned a man this week after they found him sleeping in a Burger King, asked him to produce identification and instead he pulled out a container of cocaine. He was immediately arrested for impersonating Robert Downey Junior.

Medical Marijuana Law
The New York State Legislature may soon pass a bill allowing doctors to prescribe marijuana for medicinal purposes. The elected officials are finally realizing that using marijuana is the only known way to ease the excruciating pain of cancer, AIDS, and having to work in the New York State Legislature.

New Chili Sauce
A new chili sauce, called "16 Million Reserve" is hitting the market this week. The company says it is 30 times more potent than the spiciest pepper and guaranteed to instantly get rid of the taste of any severed fingers you find in your chili.

Bush & Putin
During their meeting, President Bush and Vladimir Putin took a joy ride in Putin's 1956 Volga roadster. This was seen as a symbolic gesture, since driving just for fun is a now an unaffordable luxury for the citizens of both their countries.

Bush in Georgia
President Bush is lauding the former Soviet Republic of Georgia saying that: "Georgia is "building a democratic society where the rights of minorities are respected; where a free press flourishes, and where a vigorous opposition is welcomed." Experts are wondering why the President is praising all the things he's fought so hard to stop here in the United States.

Top 5 Reasons the FBI Believes the U.S. is Safer from Terrorism

5) "Dangerous" practice of gay marriage now being banned in 17 states

4) Hijacking a major U.S. airline now requires pre-approval from federal bankruptcy court

3) FOX News anchors now spend more time bashing runaway brides & Michael Jackson than al Qaeda

2) Suicide car bombers thwarted by road blocks, surveillance, $3-a-gallon gas

1) All potential terrorists currently in the U.S. illegally are too busy getting free healthcare, working at Wal-Mart

Harry in the Army
Britain's Prince Harry enrolled this week at England's prestigious Sandhurst military academy. The nation's citizens hope he will learn discipline, leadership, and that the Nazis were the bad guys in World War II.

Strange Ticket
A Romanian traffic cop was demoted after he fined a driver for "having a face like a moron and being a big monkey." But it's still unclear why Donald Trump was driving in Romania.

Pam & the Monkey
Producers of the new sitcom "Stacked," had to cancel a scene that featured Pamela Anderson acting opposite a monkey. Apparently, the monkey refused to continue after Anderson kept missing all her cues.

Wendy's Frosty Giveaway
Wendy's restaurants are giving away free Frostys frozen desserts this weekend. Fast food experts say the ice-cold treat is a much more suitable place to preserve severed body parts than a bowl of chili.

Cat Settlement
A Seattle woman who sued a neighbor after his dog mauled her cat to death, has been awarded more than $45,000. $10,000 of that is coming from the dog's owner, and the remaining $35,000 is being paid by the local Taco Bell.

NYU Scammer Busted
A 21-year old NYU student is accused of masterminding a phony check scam worth $43 million dollars. The suspect claims he learned everything he knows from the people in NYU's tuition office.

Ben & Jen Expecting
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are expecting a baby this November. Since they're already past the first trimester, it looks like this will be the first Affleck production in 8 years that won't turn out to be an abortion.

Ben & Jen Expecting II
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are expecting a baby this November. This despite the fact that the pregnancy was rejected for a grant from "Project Greenlight."

Bush & Putin in Russia
As President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin mark the 60th anniversary of the defeat of Germany in World War II, it's amazing how much has changed. In 1945, Russia was ruled by a psychopathic communist dictator and the United States was led by a physically disabled president. Now Russia is led by psychopathic capitalist dictator, and the United States is led by a mentally disabled president.

Best High Schools
Newsweek is out with its annual list of the 100 best high schools in the U.S. The magazine takes all the essential student skills into account, including science, reading, and marksmanship.

Derby Results
George Steinbrenner's horse Bellamy Road finished a disappointing seventh in yesterday's Kentucky Derby. Steinbrenner responded by firing all the Yankee pitching coaches.

Willbanks Explains it All
Runaway bride Jennifer Willbanks apparently took off because her fiance refused to have sex with her. Of course, the more dignified thing to do if your man won't have sex with you is to run for the Senate from New York.

Derby Preps
George Steinbrenner is ordering his trainers to do whatever they can to produce a victory, including using the whip, spurs, and even drugs... and after they're finished with the Yankees, he'll have them give similar treatment to the horse he has running in the Kentucky Derby today.

Blair Re-Elected
Experts say Tony Blair's re-election has left the Prime Minister of Great Britain still in power, but genuinely hobbled.... which is something that happens to President Bush every time he holds a press conference.

Employment Report
274,000 Americans found new jobs in April... most of them joined the Michael Jackson legal defense team.

Top 5 Most Common New Jobs in America

5) Canadian prescription drug-runner

4) Star Wars movie line-holder

3) Guest star on one of the 1,300 "Law & Order" shows on TV

2) New York Yankees pitching coach

1) Runaway bride story-exploiter

Wilbanks Condition
According to her lawyer, runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks is "not well," and promises not to speak in public while she is seeking professional help. So why can't we get the same promise from Janeane Garafalo?

Top 5 Ways the Runaway Bride Will "Make Amends" to Her Town

5) Teach seminar on how to get FOX News to attack you personally even if you're not a Democrat

4) She'll personally eat all the hors d'oeuvres before they go bad on a special episode of "Fear Factor"

3) Show other women just how to get that perfect, hypnotized, "insane eyes" look in pictures

2) Will distribute free copies of her new book: "Albuquerque on Two Prozacs a Day"

1) Will help local politicians by blaming it all on gay marriage

Pope's Vacation
Pope Benedict XVI had planned to visit the papal summer residence outside of Rome this weekend. But he had to change his plans when he learned the place was actually a time share with the remaining members of The Village People.

Brad & Angelina's Noise
While vacationing together in Kenya, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie reportedly made so much noise while making love that the hotel staff thought it "sounded like someone being killed." But experts say the only thing being killed was Jennifer Aniston's career.

Embarrassing Tradition
The former Communist leader of Poland says that the most unpleasant part of his job was having to kiss the Communist leader of East Germany on the cheek, which was a socialist tradition. That's opposed to American leaders having to kiss Saudi leaders on the ass, which is a capitalist tradition.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Low Turnout
Today's general election in Great Britain is expected to have the lowest voter turnout ever. Experts blame that on dissatisfaction with all the candidates, poor weather, and the fact that Britain doesn't have any Evangelical ministers scaring everyone about gay marriage.

Top 5 Changes Being Made to the Freedom Tower to Accommodate the NYPD's "Security Concerns"

5) "Unarmed Black Male Shooting Gallery" to be installed on first floor

4) Krispy Kreme Donut shops to replace all fitness gyms throughout the building

3) Dozens of cots set up in vacant offices for convenient on-the-job napping

2) Upper floors will be leased to people only from Jersey and Staten Island, so no one will really care what happens to them

1) Clearly-printed "No Terrorists Allowed" signs to be placed strategically on floors 75-100.

Yankee Theft
A huge shipment of Yankee caps scheduled to arrive in the Bronx this weekend is still missing. Of course, most of the Yankee bats and gloves have been missing all season.

Al Qaeda Leader Caught
The Pakistani government says it's captured Abu Farraj al-Libbi, who is considered to be the number 3 man in Al Qaeda. Of course, he was only number 4 in the coaches poll.

Jackson Prosecution Rests
The prosecution rested its case against Michael Jackson yesterday after presenting a parade of witnesses who told dark and bewildering accounts of sex, under-age drinking, and conspiracy. What the Bush family memoirs had to do with this case is really anyone's guess.

Idol Scandal
Former American Idol contestant Corey Clark says while he was having an affair with judge Paula Abdul, she coached him on his song choices, and even picked out his clothes. Well, at least now we know why he lost.

Zarqawi Letter
U.S. forces in Iraq have discovered a letter it believes was addressed to terror mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi complaining about low morale and incompetent planning. Actually, that letter was written by Donald Rumsfeld.

Accurate Movie Listings
New York's Loews Cineplex theaters will begin publicizing the time movies actually start, rather than the time the ads and previews begin. But AMC Movie Theaters promises to go one step further by informing all filmgoers that the Vin Diesel movie they're buying tickets for is definitely going to suck.

Abu Ghraib Defendant's Troubles
A psychologist says that Army Pfc. Lynndie England should not receive a severe sentence in the Abu Ghraib prison scandal because she is speech impaired and has trouble reading... Oh wait, that's actually President Bush's excuse.

Valuable Pope Memorabilia
Collectors say the most valuable piece of Pope John Paul II memorabilia is a trading card worth $8,100. Of course that was the Pope's 1978 irregular rookie card with the picture of him wearing a now-discontinued road Pope uniform.

Jesus in the Air Force?
A new report accuses several cadets and instructors at the U.S. Air Force academy of openly preaching Christian teachings on campus. But experts doubt those findings since most Air Force officers actually think they're God.

Clinton's Crusade
Bill Clinton has announced that his foundation is joining forces with the American Heart Association to combat child obesity. But experts say the former president doesn't have a great track record in this area, especially since the last obese youngster he worked with was Monica Lewinsky.

Recruiting Cover-Ups
Many Army recruiters say that to fill their dwindling ranks, they're forced to hide the flawed personal histories of many of their recruits. Usually covering up criminal records, psychological problems, and sexual misconduct is only something you have to do if you want to run for Congress.

Top 5 Ways to Cope with Being Rejected by Your First-Choice College

5) Get your dad to threaten the admissions department with political retribution, (for Bush family members only)

4) Remember that at least you know you've been rejected, as opposed to all those suckers on the "wait list"

3) Settle for a career that's perfect for underachieving ignoramuses like you... run for office

2) Convince your parents to let you spend your college fund on something more practical than a liberal arts degree... like the craps tables in Vegas

1) Join the Army... believe me, they're really taking everybody now

Dangerous Times
The Committee to Protect Journalists says the Philippines is now the world's most dangerous country for journalists, followed by Iraq, Colombia, and Bangladesh. However, the U.S. remains the most dangerous country for journalists who want to cover something more relevant than stories about runaway brides.

Laura's Comedy
President Bush says he thinks Laura's roast of him at the White House Correspondent's Dinner was hilarious and he says he's now calling her "Laura Leno Bush." Of course, he will continue to call everyone else who makes fun of him publicly "enemy combatant."

Laura's Comedy II
President Bush says he thinks Laura's roast of him at the White House Correspondent's Dinner was hilarious and he says he's now calling her "Laura Leno Bush." But later his aides politely informed him that he should only call her that if he thinks she ISN'T funny.

Salami Care Package
Two brothers from New Jersey are sending thousands of pounds of salami to the troops in Iraq. Of course, the troops are already getting plenty of baloney from the Pentagon and the White House every day.

Clean Cheerleading Law
The Texas State Legislature has passed a new bill banning overly suggestive cheerleading displays at football games. This is just the latest bill Texas politicians have passed to protect the state's high school football stars from all kinds of unnecessary distractions like sex, drugs, and going to class.

Software Battle
Oracle and SAP are fighting each other tooth and nail for dominance in the business software market. Experts say the winner will be the one who comes up with software that successfully covers up accounting fraud and sexually inappropriate emails written by CEO's.

Bonds Surgery
Giants slugger Barry Bonds has undergone his third knee surgery this year. Experts say this will slow his return to the field because every time he goes into surgery, he isn't able to use steroids for at least a few hours.

Hilton's Statue
Madame Tussaud's in New York City has made a wax replica of Paris Hilton. It's the museum's first statue with more personality and intelligence than its human subject.

Rush Engaged?
Rumor has it that Rush Limbaugh is now engaged to CNN anchorwoman Daryn Kagen. Apparently, Rush desperately needs someone else to help him pick up all his prescriptions.

Still in Love
John Mason, the groom jilted by runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks, told FOX news last night that he still wants to marry her. Mason explained that despite humiliating him on national TV for several days, he's still grateful that she didn't tell anyone about how bad he is in bed.

Top 5 Reasons John Mason Still Wants to Marry his "Runaway Bride"

5) Now his best man finally has some great material for the reception toast

4) Really, really, really likes doing the "Chicken Dance"

3) It's not like Catherine Zeta Jones is answering his phone calls, know what I mean?

2) Hoping to father an entire brood of psychotic and weak children

1) It's either that, or keep living with his mother

Frist Desperate
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist says that he's "running out of options" in a fight with Democrats over President Bush's judicial nominees. If things don't improve, he warned he's thinking of running off to New Mexico and telling everyone he's been kidnapped by "some Latin guy."

ABC "Comedies"
ABC is renewing "America's Funniest Home Videos" and "According to Jim" for another season. Critics note that "America's Funniest Home Videos" is famous for showing people getting hit in the crotch, and "According to Jim" is famous for making people feel like they've been hit in the crotch.

Top 5 Reasons for al Qaeda's Low Morale

5) Can't think of a way to stop "activist judges" from allowing gay marriage

4) Brainwashing is the only kind of washing they're getting lately

3) Fear of phone tracing prevents them from voting for their favorite "American Idol"

2) Rush Limbaugh still not as afraid of them as he is of Hillary Clinton

1) Al Qaeda health insurance co-payments are $15 more this year

Pentagon Complaint
The new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff told a Congressional committee yesterday that the continuing conflict in Iraq is making it almost impossible for the U.S. to conduct military action anywhere else... which means we should begin bombing Iran in about two weeks.

Ashcroft's New Job
Former Attorney General John Ashcroft is starting a security business that will offer security and crisis counseling to major corporations. The firm is expected to advise all companies with sagging profits to blame it on al Qaeda and then come up with a color-coded alert chart to distract angry stockholders.

New Beach Rules
The town of Cape May, New Jersey has repealed a 30 year-old law banning Speedo bathing suits for males over the age of 12. But for public safety reasons, males under the age of 12 will not be allowed to wear bathing suits of any kind when Michael Jackson is in the vicinity.

TimeWarner Data Stolen
Critical data tapes belonging to TimeWarner have been lost and are presumed stolen. The data tapes contain employee financial information, personal addresses, and a readout with all the construction plans for the new Death Star.

TimeWarner Data Stolen II
Data tapes filled with financial information for every TimeWarner employee have been lost and could be used in identity theft crimes. Luckily, most of the company's employees don't have much credit anywhere other than the Warner Brothers store.

TimeWarner Data Stolen III
Data tapes carrying every TimeWarner employee's personal & financial information have been stolen. Police believe it could be an attempt to learn Batman's secret identity.

TimeWarner Data Stolen IV
Two men allegedly using stolen TimeWarner employee identities were arrested in El Segundo, California last night. They were foiled when the night manager at the 7-11 realized there was something funny when they bought $800 worth of Fritos using credit cards issued to "Shaggy" and "Scooby Doo."

Katie's Crush
Katie Holmes says that Tom Cruise was her "first celebrity crush," and she fell for him at age 4. Which makes sense, because 4 year-old girls are the only ones who don't think he's gay.

Woman Rapist
A Norwegian court has convicted a woman for raping a man, after the victim said he awoke to find her giving him oral sex. The woman is being sentenced to 9 months in jail, while the man can look forward to being beaten senseless by every other man he meets for the rest of his life.

MSNBC Name Change
MSNBC is changing its name to "NBC News Channel." Now that the network is ending its 9-year relationship with Microsoft, it hopes to start a relationship with some actual viewers.

Christian Boycott of Microsoft
Right wing religious groups are preparing to boycott all Microsoft products unless the company scales back its support for gay rights. Luckily, all the churches involved are ready to print their monthly bulletins on parchment just like the old days.

Iraqi Cabinet Sworn In
The Iraqi government has just sworn in its new permanent cabinet. The permanent cabinet will grant stability to the Iraqi people, create diplomatic ties to foreign nations, and give the insurgents some permanent targets.

Bride-to-Be Criminal Charges?
The Georgia bride-to-be who got cold feet may face criminal charges for sending the police and other authorities on a wild goose chase. But MSNBC is promising to cover all her legal fees if she promises to do this again during the next ratings period.

MCI Changes its Mind Again
MCI has changed its mind again, and now says it will go with the takeover bid from Verizon instead of the offer from Qwest. The MCI board members admit they may change their minds again, unless they get so frazzled by the pressure that they all just run away to New Mexico.

Amtrak Anniversary
On this day in 1971, the first Amtrak commuter train went into service... it's due to finally arrive in Penn Station in about three hours.

England Cops a Plea
Army Private Lynndie England will plead guilty to several charges of prisoner abuse in connection with her role in the Abu Ghraib scandal. By taking a plea, England will still face jail time, but she'll avoid the most severe penalties that would have blocked her from changing her awful hairstyle for at least 13 years.

Top 5 Changes the Republican Chairman of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting Wants at PBS

5) Special Sesame Street episode where Bert moves out and Ernie gets a girlfriend

4) "Antique Roadshow" to feature NASCAR trading cards at least 3 times a week

3) More "Frontline" documentaries about Ted Kennedy's ever-widening ass

2) "Postcards from Buster" replaced by new animated series: "Jesus n' Pals"

1) Provide special translators so President Bush can understand what they're saying on all those British programs

Iraq Violence Growing
Since Iraq formed its new government last week, 127 Iraqis have been killed in terrorist attacks. Of course, the U.S. government gets a lot more of its own citizens killed faster than that every time it cuts Medicaid benefits.

Peace Protest
Tens of thousands of protesters marched through Manhattan and into Central Park yesterday to speak out against nuclear proliferation and the war in Iraq. But that event was dwarfed by the thousands more demonstrator who were already out in the streets protesting the fact that the Yankees still suck.

Schwarzenegger Slipping
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval rating has suddenly dipped to an all time low. The news is shocking political experts who thought the only way Schwarzenegger could anger so many people that quickly was by doing another "Terminator" movie.

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Top 5 Reasons the Georgia Bride-to-Be Got Cold Feet

5) Learned that the "marriage penalty" would shave a whopping $13.68 off her next tax refund

4) Finally realized that there's something funny about how her fiance cries during every episode of "Everwood"

3) Wanted to make one last try to screw Antonio Banderas while she was still single

2) Heard that gas was actually less than $2.75-a-gallon somewhere in New Mexico

1) Wanted to prepare her fiance for the lifetime of humiliation that most men call "marriage"