War of the Worlds Opens
The new sci-fi movie "War of the Worlds" was a huge hit at the box office yesterday as millions of Americans flocked to theaters hoping to see the aliens kill Tom Cruise.

Cinderella Man Guarantee
In hopes of boosting interest in the Russell Crowe-Rene Zellweger movie "Cinderella Man," AMC movie theaters are offering a money-back guarantee to moviegoers who aren't pleased with the film. But after you get your money back, Crowe will try to beat you with a telephone.

New Freedom Tower Design
Authorities say some recent changes to the planned Freedom Tower will make it safer from terrorist attack. The most effective new safety feature in the building is the fact that no one will ever be let inside.

Top 5 Jobs for the new Department of National Intelligence

5) Tell Americans where to find a service station selling gas for less than $2.25 a gallon

4) End the animosity between the CIA and the FBI by making them each other’s "Secret Santa!"

3) Help Americans figure out the last three seasons of "Alias"

2) Find out what the Hell is wrong with Tom Cruise

1) Give President Bush a clue

Recruiting Goals Met
For the first time since January, the Army met its monthly recruiting goal in June, as thousands of young Americans resolved to do whatever it takes to protect their country from Russell Crowe.

Super Bowl Ring Not Stolen
New England Patriots Robert Kraft owner says Russian President Vladimir Putin did not steal his Super Bowl ring, and he gave it to him out of personal respect. Upon hearing the news, every member of the New York Jets showed up at Kraft's house disguised as Vladimir Putin.

Stella's Lost Groove
It turns out the younger man who inspired author Terry McMillan's book, "How Stella Got Her Groove Back," is gay. Of course, it was obvious to everyone else that he was gay when he was first seen reading a copy of "How Stella Got Her Groove Back."

Bush Speech
President Bush addressed the nation last night saying it "was time to give Americans a clear strategy for our presence in Iraq." Um, shouldn't we have had that before we invaded?

Bush Speech II
President Bush insisted that our mission in Iraq is very difficult, but we must stay the course. Besides, there’s no way it’s tougher than trying change Social Security.

Bush Speech III
President Bush rejected calls that the U.S. send more troops to help put down the insurgency in Iraq; reminding everyone that with his approval ratings at an all-time low, he needs more soldiers here to defend the White House.

Bush Speech IV
President Bush summed up our strategy in Iraq by saying, “as the Iraqis stand up, we will stand down.” Which means we’ll be in Iraq for at least another 317 years.

Bush Speech V
Finally, President Bush insisted that our efforts in Iraq are “worth it”… especially since as long as we’re there, Republicans can always accuse their critics of jeopardizing the war effort.

Top 5 Things that Have to Happen Before We Leave Iraq

5) Baghdad car insurance rates fall below $15,000 a month

4) Halliburton exceeds quarterly profit projections by 50%

3) Pentagon gets reasonable assurance that insurgents are in no way connected to the shark attacks in Florida

2) Bush administration declares war on someone else

1) We elect a president with a brain

Pakistan Internet
A broken cable has left the entire nation of Pakistan without Internet or wire services. The good news is there’s finally a place on Earth where you won’t have to hear anymore about Tom Cruise.

Battle Re-Enacted
English and French tall ships staged a re-enactment of the Battle of Trafalgar last night to mark the 200th anniversary of the historic clash. What made the skirmish so historic was the fact that it was the last time the French put up a decent fight.

Bogut #1
Andrew Bogut, the 7-footer chosen as the first overall pick in the NBA draft last night, insists he’s not a “big, dumb guy.” True, the person who’s about to pay him $50 million is the big, dumb guy.

Chinese Bishop
The newly appointed Roman Catholic Bishop of Shanghai is hoping to mend relations between China and the Vatican. His best chance of doing that is offering Rome low-cost, mass-produced cassocks and chalices.

Siegfried & Roy Mystery
USDA investigators say they still can’t figure out why illusionist Roy Horn was mauled by a tiger during a show two years ago… not because the tiger was trained, but because they’re pretty sure Siegfried is the only one who thinks Roy tastes any good.

You can get Jake's Comedy Corner right on your email! To get Jake's jokes emailed to you directly Monday-Friday, just send a blank email to jakesjokes@gmail.com

Shrinks vs. Cruise
Psychiatrists are publicly lashing out at Tom Cruise for calling psychiatry a "pseudo science." On the other hand, they're really grateful that Cruise is providing them with a textbook case for someone who's gone completely nuts.

Top 5 Things Americans Will Do if Gas Hits $3 a Gallon

5) Park Hummers in Midtown Manhattan and rent them as studio apartments

4) Realize that voting a Texas oilman into office wasn't such a great idea after all

3) Teach their kids karate so they'll be safer when hitch hiking

2) Only leave the house for the essential trips; like getting cigarettes and lotto tickets

1) Get ready for the U.S. invasion of Iran

BTK Fesses Up
By confessing to ten murders instead of having a long and eventful trial, the BTK killer claimed another victim yesterday: Nancy Grace.

BTK Fesses Up II
"BTK" serial killer Douglas Rader changed his plea from not guilty to guilty, confessing to murdering ten people. Rader decided against a long trial out of sympathy, not for the victims' families, but for all the reporters still tired from the Michael Jackson trial.

BTK Fesses Up III
"BTK" serial killer Douglas Rader says he stripped and bound his victims to satisfy his sexual desires… which means he could have avoided all of this if he had just taken a job at Abu Ghraib prison.

Eisner's Book
Outgoing Disney CEO Michael Eisner is out with a new book where he talks about how his experiences in sleep-away camp helped mold his values… which means he spent his summers stealing the other kids candy, and making sure all the counselors owed him money.

Rehnquist Stays On
As expected, Chief Justice William Rehnquist did not announce his retirement yesterday. Rehnquist says he won't step down until someone brings that killer shark in Florida to justice.

Shark Attack!
A second teenaged swimmer has been attacked by a shark off of the Florida coast. But the shark has already hired Michael Jackson's lawyers to say he's being falsely accused by the swimmers' opportunistic, scamming parents.

Shark Attack II
The second shark-biting incident occurred 80 miles from the deadly attack on Saturday, which means police are also searching for an accomplice who's driving the shark's getaway car.

Shark Attack III
Police are still searching for the shark responsible for a deadly attack in a Florida beach this weekend. The shark says he's ready to cut a deal with prosecutors in return for information he has about the whereabouts of that girl missing in Aruba.

Supreme Court-Journalists
The Supreme Court's decision not to allow two reporters to shield their sources in story involving a White House leak is sending a strong message to journalists everywhere: write more stories about runaway brides and shark attacks!

SPECIAL REMINDER!!! I GO NATIONAL STARTING MONDAY AS THE BILL PRESS SHOW LAUNCHES ON SIRIUS SATELLITE RADIO!! I'LL BE PERFORMING MY OWN MATERIAL AS THE "ROVING REPORTER" ON THE SCENE OF THE BIGGEST STORIES! HERE'S SOME INFO ON HOW YOU CAN LISTEN TO THE SHOW ON SIRIUS OR ON YOUR COMPUTER: The Bill Press Show

Rehnquist Quitting?
Despite his age and failing health, Chief Justice William Rehnquist is not expected to announce his retirement later today. Experts say Rehnquist will stay on the job until he can be sure President Bush isn’t going to screw with Social Security.

Top 5 Real Reasons Chief Justice Rehnquist Won’t Retire

5) Has to get Scalia’s permission first

4) With these gas prices, this just isn’t the time to lose that taxpayer funded limo service

3) Still hasn’t “shown his briefs” to Sandra Day O’Connor, know what I mean?

2) At 80-years-old and stricken with cancer, the only other job he’s qualified for is U.S. Senator

1) Would you want to let President Bush replace you?

Graham Crusade
Bill Clinton joined the Rev. Billy Graham onstage at his crusade in New York City this weekend. The two men have a lot in common physically; Graham has been suffering for years from fluid on the brain, and Clinton suffered for years from fluid on the dress.

Top 5 Things “Bibleman” Said at this Weekend’s Billy Graham Crusade

5) “Why yes, that is the book of Deuteronomy in my pants… but I am glad to see you.”

4) “After this I’m going to the Gay Pride march… and I won’t even have to change my clothes!”

3) “God wants you to be kind, obey your parents, and buy my new DVD.”

2) “There’s nothing Satan fears more than a man in Spandex!”

1) “Pray for me children, my next gig is at the Neverland Ranch.”

Gay Pride-Bloomberg
At today’s New York City gay pride parade, Mayor Bloomberg touted his work for the gay rights movement. He specifically cited his efforts to get better housing for men in tight pants who like to shower together… oh wait, that was actually his campaign to get a West Side stadium for the Jets.

Aruba Suspects
Police in Aruba released two of the five suspects in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway. There's no word on whether the authorities will ever free the other people still imprisoned by this case, which include the three other suspects and all of America’s cable news viewers.

Gray Angry
Former FBI chief L. Patrick Gray is finally speaking out about the revelation that his former deputy, Mark Felt, was Deep Throat. Gray says he feels angered and betrayed, not because Felt leaked the key information in the Watergate scandal, but because he’s hogging all the really good book and movie deals to himself.

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

SPECIAL REMINDER!!! I GO NATIONAL STARTING THIS MONDAY AS THE BILL PRESS SHOW LAUNCHES ON SIRIUS SATELLITE RADIO!! I'LL BE PERFORMING MY OWN MATERIAL AS THE "ROVING REPORTER" ON THE SCENE OF THE BIGGEST STORIES! HERE'S SOME INFO ON HOW YOU CAN LISTEN TO THE SHOW ON SIRIUS OR ON YOUR COMPUTER: The Bill Press Show

Iranian Hard-Liner Wins
Tehran's hard-line conservative mayor has defeated his moderate challenger in the Iranian presidential election. By acting merely as a puppet for Iran's religious leaders, he's expected to reverse democratic reforms, reduce women's rights, and serve as a new role model for Bill Frist.

Reformers Reel
Iran's more moderate politicians have been soundly defeated by the election of an ultra-conservative to the presidency. Now they'll have to abandon their idealistic dreams of giving westerners blindfolds before they're beheaded.

Newsday Alert!! I was back in the "Punchlines" column in Thursday's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday


PBS Funding Restored
Congress has decided not to pull $100 million in funding from PBS after all. Anti-gay Republican leaders changed their minds when they heard the lack of money would have forced Elmo to move in with Ernie and Bert.

Supreme Court-Property
Conservative justices on the Supreme Court have lost their fight to keep the government from seizing private property. But they continue to fight for private citizens who seize public property, like they did when they let George W. Bush take the White House 5 years ago.

Rumsfeld Refusal
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld says he won't set a date for a withdrawal from Iraq because the "terrorists would see it as a lifeline"... kind of like the way American citizens see the day President Bush leaves office as a lifeline.

Top 5 Reasons Donald Rumsfeld Won't Resign

5) Can't step down until he finds Osama bin Laden, WMD's, and a more natural-looking hair gel.

4) Halliburton needs at least two more wars to meet its profit target.

3) Working at the Pentagon is a good way to avoid the impending draft.

2) Three words: "Army-issued Viagra."

1) Actually does want to leave, but he still can't find his car in the Pentagon parking lot

Killen Sentenced
For his role in the 1964 "Mississippi Burning" murders, Edgar Ray Killen has been sentenced to 60 years in prison. Killen is delighted with the sentence because now he becomes the 80-year-old in America who doesn't have to worry about affording his prescription medication.

Reality Show Union
The writers for several leading reality shows are trying to form a union. This is shocking leading TV executives, who were certain no one would want to publicly admit they write for "Fear Factor."

Lose Dixie
Southern supermarket chain Winn-Dixie announced yesterday that it's cutting 2,200 jobs. The company blames it's higher operating costs on stiff competition, higher produce prices, and the abolition of slavery.

African American Drug
The FDA has approved the first prescription drug made for black men only. Actually, when you consider how much each bottle is probably going to cost, the drug is made for rich black men only.

Top 5 Least Popular Movie Lines of All Time

5) "You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've weighed less than 500 pounds!"

4) "Michael Jackson's looking at you, kid!"

3) "What we've got here is failure to text message."

2) "I'm going to make him an offer he can refuse... but he really shouldn't, because you know, I'm a vicious mobster."

1) "Frankly my dear, I'm gay!"

Top 5 Least Popular Porn Movie Lines of All Time

5) "My shower is broken, but I think I'll just wait for the plumber to fix it instead of coming over and using yours."

4) "Hey lady, if you really want pepperoni with this pizza, I'm going to have to go back to the shop!"

3) "Here, cover yourself up with this."

2) "Let's cuddle."

1) "Ewwww!!!"

Frightened Boy Scout
It turns out once-missing Boy Scout Brennan Hawkins was so hard to find because he had been told to hide from strange people. With the mountains crawling with cable news reporters, it's a miracle he ever came out at all.

Flag Law
The House of Representatives has passed a new law banning the desecration of the U.S. flag. Of course the best way to do that is to remove all U.S. flags from the House of Representatives.

Flag Law II
The House of Representatives has passed a new law banning the desecration of the U.S. flag... not for patriotic reasons, but because Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist says he believes the flags show cognitive function.

New Social Security Plan
Congressional Republicans have crafted a new Social Security plan that does not include private investment accounts. The lawmakers finally realized that most Americans think wise investing means buying two scratch-off tickets instead of one.

New York Lobbying Law
New York State legislators in Albany have agreed to set new rules regulating lobbying in the state capital. The rules are expected to help eliminate graft, favoritism, and any reason anyone would actually want to spend money i n Albany.

Snapple Melt
A publicity stunt failed yesterday when a giant popsicle made from a Snapple fruit drink quickly melted and flooded a New York City park with sticky goo... nobody in the park noticed the difference.

TV Show
The first episode of "Celebrity Charades" debuted this week... but enough about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

Top 5 Reasons Americans Aren't Going to the Movies Anymore

5) Even if it’s just a movie, it’s just too scary to see Tom Cruise right now

4) Star Wars geeks having “light saber fights” keep hurting innocent bystanders

3) Before you can get butter on your popcorn, you have to sign a form promising you won’t slap the theater with an obesity lawsuit

2) John Bolton keeps throwing things at the screen when he gets angry

1) If people really wanted to cram into a crowded place with sticky floors and people gabbing on their cell phones, they can just take the subway

Bush-Khai
Vietnamese Prime Minister Phan Van Khai has invited President Bush to visit Vietnam as soon as possible. Bush doesn't want to go, and he's pretty sure the invitation is just a formality... but he’s finally going to report to his Alabama Air National Guard unit just to be safe.

Guarding Saddam
The troops guarding Saddam Hussein in prison say he sometimes eats children’s cereals. His favorite one is called "WMD's"... because for some reason Americans can never find the prizes that come hidden inside the box.

Bush-Frist
After a meeting at the White House yesterday, President Bush has convinced Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist not to give up on the John Bolton nomination. Also during that meeting, Bush pressured Frist to try to resuscitate Terri Schiavo and re-open the Whitewater investigation.

Durbin Apology
Senate Democrat Dick Durbin has apologized for comparing U.S. army interrogators at Guantanamo Bay to Nazis. In the last few days, Durbin has come to realize that his words were harsh, easy to misunderstand, and that the only people allowed to compare their fellow Americans to Nazis are the Republicans.

Rehnquist Okay?
Chief Justice William Rehnquist’s doctor believes he’s in good enough health to stay on the bench. But many experts doubt that diagnosis since it was made by Bill Frist by videotape.

Mississippi Burning Case Verdict
80-year old Edgar Ray Killen has been found guilty of killing three civil rights workers 41 years ago. The jury decided to convict Killen when they realized former Adelphia Chairman John Rigas might like a cellmate his own age.

Boy Scout Found
Volunteers finally found an 11-year-old Boy Scout in Utah, four days after he went missing… but that’s several days shy of being missing long enough to boost MSNBC’s ratings.

NBA Deal
The new deal between the NBA and the players union sets a new age requirement for the league. Before he can get on a pro roster, a player must now be either at least 19-years-old or have at least 5 illegitimate children.

Hamptons Sale
The heiress to the Schlumberger oil fortune is putting her Hamptons estate up for sale at a $90 million asking price. That's about the same amount that it costs for enough gas to drive an SUV from Manhattan to the Hamptons this summer.

Rigas Sentence
For stealing from the cable TV company he founded, a federal judge has ordered former Adelphia communications chairman John Rigas to spend 15 years in prison… which is still less time than you usually have to wait for the Adelphia cable TV repairman to show up.

Bolton Vote Delayed
Senate Democrats have once again succeeded in delaying the vote on whether to confirm John Bolton as ambassador to the UN. Bolton is responding by buying 44 new staplers to throw at each and every Democratic senator.

Top 5 Things John Bolton Must do to Get Confirmed as the Ambassador to the UN

5) Keep 500 yards away from all staplers and other potentially dangerous office equipment at all times

4) Start using that “Just for Men” for mustaches and beards

3) Replace all the UN translator headphones with iPods

2) Promise to only use his massive temper on the French

1) Hire a real interpreter who looks like Nicole Kidman

Medical Pot-Canada
A marijuana-based painkiller went on sale this week in Canada. Doctors hope the medication will successfully ease the pain of living in Canada.

Male Contraceptive
Researchers are working on a new oral contraceptive for men. The most successful trial so far has come from a pill that releases the same reactions in the male brain that occurs when his girlfriend says “let’s just cuddle.”

Cruise Showered
A phony reporter doused Tom Cruise with water during an interview in England yesterday. The incident infuriated Cruise as it almost snapped him out of recent hypnosis-induced insanity.

Spielberg on Cruise
Steven Spielberg says Tom Cruise is being “punished” by the American news media for his recent happiness and euphoric behavior… but not as much as the news media is punishing Americans with stories about Tom Cruise.

Comp Sci Majors-Jobs
More and more computer science majors at U.S. colleges are opting not to take programming jobs after they graduate. Not because they don't want to work in the computer industry, it's just that they want to spend a few more years in America before having to move back to India.

“Mississippi Burning” Case
The jury in the “Mississippi Burning” civil rights murder trial is now deliberating on the case. Legal experts say the panel is likely to find defendant Edgar Ray Killen guilty of murder and obstruction of justice, and they’re also likely to convict Willem Dafoe of overacting.

Kozlowski Konvicted
Ex-Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski was found guilty of 22 counts of theft and fraud late Friday. Neiman-Marcus is reacting to the news by putting a $6,000 soap-on-a-rope in its new catalogue.

Top 5 Things Dennis Kozlowski Bought this Weekend

5) $10,000 “home-made knife set"

4) $45,000 tub of moisturizer for "handcuff chafing"

3) $55,000 tub of moisturizer for "other kinds of chafing"

2) $65,000 worth of deodorant so he can avoid the showers for as long as possible

1) $35,000 worth of accounting books so he doesn't forget how to steal money while he's in prison

Massive Card Fraud
As many as 40 million American credit card holders may have had their personal information compromised by a computer virus. The credit card companies say they have no idea who could have been malicious enough to take advantage of so many financially vulnerable Americans... but they like their style.

Spitzer Sued
The Bush administration has joined several banks in their lawsuit against New York State Attorney General Eliot Spitzer. The White House says its concerned the banks will be so busy covering up their crimes from Spitzer, that they might forget to make all their promised campaign contributions on time.

Iran Emergency Landing
An emergency indicator light forced a Northwest Airlines passenger jet to land in Tehran yesterday, but it turned out to be a false alarm. The news is a crushing blow to the Bush administration, because it was planning on using the whole "broken emergency indicator light" thing as an excuse to invade Iran next year.

Grand Prix Boycott
14 of the 20 drivers in Sunday's U.S. Grand Prix ended up boycotting the race at the last minute because they were concerned about tire safety. Actually, that was reason 13 drivers boycotted, the other driver quit because he didn't want to get a speeding ticket.

Gaza Agreement
Israel and the Palestinian Authority have agreed to tear down all of the abandoned Jewish settlers’ homes after the Israelis pull out of the Gaza strip this year. Hey, as long as they're destroying stuff, Jews and Arabs really CAN work together!

Gaza Agreement II
In a rare sign of cooperation in the Middle East, Israel and the Palestinian Authority have agreed to tear down all the abandoned Jewish settler homes after the Israelis pull out of the Gaza strip this year. The Palestinians are especially enthusiastic about razing the homes, but that’s because no one’s actually telling them about the whole "abandoned" part.

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Jake's Comedy Corner is coming right to your email! To get Jake's jokes emailed to you directly Monday-Friday, just send a blank email to jakesjokes@gmail.com

SUPER RADIO ALERT!!! I'm going to be a featured player on the new "BILL PRESS SHOW," which is launching nationwide on Sirius Satellite Radio on June 27th!!! You can hear me Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays performing my own material as the "Roving Reporter." Here's some more info on the show: The Bill Press Show

Cruise and Holmes Engaged
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got enaged in Paris yesterday. Their relationship is expected to last until they get the required publicity for their new films, or until Holmes realizes Cruise is gay... whichever comes first.

Schiavo Case Re-Opened
Citing some supposed "gaps" in Terri Schiavo's autopsy report, Governor Jeb Bush has ordered state prosecutors to open a criminal investigation in the case. Their first move will to be to indict Jeb Bush for beating the case to death.

King Tut Returns
Some Americans believe the return of the King Tut exhibit to the U.S. will bring an ancient curse along with it. But unless that curse includes something about $35 mummy t-shirts and tacky coffee table books, there isn't any reason to be worried.

Klansman Kollapses
Former Ku Klux Klan member Edgar Ray Killen collapsed yesterday during his trial for the murders of three civil rights workers in 1964. Killen wasn't actually ill, he just wanted to get to the hospital to stock up on clean white sheets.

Runaway Bride Deal
Runaway Bride Jennifer Wilbanks has agreed to tell her full story in a $500,000 book and movie deal with Judith Regan's entertainment company. Regan is banking on making big bucks by marketing the story to audiences who like the sound of car alarms and watching re-runs of "Mama's Family."

Patriot Act-Libraries
Despite White House objections, the House of Representatives voted to remove a part of the Patriot Act that allowed investigators free access to library records. But experts say this is actually good news for the Bush administration, because now no one will find out that only book the President ever checks out is "Where's Waldo?"

California Quake
Southern California was hit by a magnitude 5.3 earthquake yesterday. But it was later downgraded to 4.9 after Bush administration geologists doctored the records to make it look less damaging.

Cooney to Exxon
Philip Cooney, the Bush administration aide who doctored scientific reports to downplay evidence of global warming, has already taken a new job at ExxonMobil. Cooney likes the new position, but he's disappointed that his Exxon co-workers aren't as favorable to the oil industry as his colleagues in the White House.

Tobacco Case Pressure
The New York Times has learned that a Bush-appointed associate attorney general ordered federal prosecutors to drastically reduce penalties they sought against the tobacco companies. Instead of Deep Throat, the Times is calling the informant in this story "Throat Cancer."

Top 10 Future Bush Administration Appointees

10) Secretary of the Treasury: Ken Lay

9) Director of the Office of Child Welfare: Michael Jackson

8) Director of the National Abstinence Program: Colin Farrell

7) Secretary of Transportation: Billy Joel

6) DEA Director: Robert Downey Jr.

5) Secretary of Education: Paris Hilton

4) Secretary of Health and Human Services: Joe Camel

3) Secretary of Housing & Urban Development: Martha Stewart

2) Department of Veterans Affairs: Bill Clinton

1) Department of Justice: Scott Peterson

Frist on Schiavo
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who "diagnosed" the brain-dead Terri Schiavo as having cognitive function as recently as this March, now says Schiavo's autopsy is "bringing this sad chapter to a close." But it's unclear if Frist is talking about Schiavo or his presidential candidacy.

Iran Election Panned
President Bush says Iran's upcoming elections show no signs of being legitimate or pushing democracy forward. The President is particularly critical of the fact that the Iranians aren't destroying opposition voter registration records or allowing a right wing organization to rig the election with electronic balloting.

Bush-Congress Poll
President Bush now has the lowest approval ratings of his tenure, and the Republican-controlled Congress has its lowest approval numbers in many years. Luckily for the American people, Democrats are snapping into action by raising more money for Hillary Clinton and allowing Howard Dean to make more angry speeches.

Newsday Alert!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Schiavo Autopsy
Doctors examining Terri Schiavo’s body say there was no evidence she was abused. Apparently, none of those doctors watched how her story was covered on the cable news channels.

Schiavo Autopsy II
Doctors determined that Schiavo’s brain was half the size of a normal brain. This explains why President Bush assumed she was one of his supporters.

Schiavo Autopsy/Frist
Some believe the Schiavo autopsy is an embarrassing blow to Senator Bill Frist, who declared on the Senate floor that as a doctor, he could tell Schiavo was responding to stimuli. But experts say his presidential chances have actually improved now that millions of Americans will probably vote for Frist just to keep him from practicing medicine again.

Top 5 Features in the Proposed $800 Million New Yankee Stadium
5) George Steinbrenner rubberized "tantrum room"

4) Jason Giambi clean needle exchange window

3) Alex Rodriguez psychotherapy lounge

2) “Curse-Word Free” Bleacher Section… just kidding!

1) On-site second-mortgage lenders so you can afford hot dogs and soda for the whole family

Vaccine Shortage
The company that makes the flu vaccine is blaming new U.S. government restrictions for another expected vaccine shortage this coming winter. The Bush administration apologized for the new rules, but said it had to do something to reduce the number of elderly Americans fighting the President’s Social Security plan.

Jackson Accuser Down
Michael Jackson’s teenage accuser is reportedly depressed and withdrawn. Not because Jackson was acquitted, but because his mother is still making him pretend he’s a fan of Jay Leno.

Back to the Oil Company
The former White House official who doctored global warming documents to make them look more favorable to the oil industry has gone back to work for ExxonMobil. But the Bush administration is hoping to recover from that loss by hiring the guy who cleans windshields at the Amoco station to run the Environmental Protection Agency.

Limbaugh’s Claim
Rush Limbaugh says he’s bigger than the network TV news programs. Which makes sense, because network news programs depend on sponsorship from the prescription drug companies, and the prescription drug companies depend on sponsorship from Rush Limbaugh.

UN Dues
The Bush administration is opposing a move by House Republicans to cut the dues the U.S. pays to the United Nations. The White House says the UN is going to need the extra money to pay for all the office equipment John Bolton is sure to break in angry outbursts when he becomes the U.S. ambassador.

NYC Heat Wave
As New York wilts under a heat wave, many schoolchildren are stuck in aging schools without air-conditioning. The students are complaining that all that sweating makes it a lot harder to stab each other.

Hamptons Lawsuit
The Shinnecock Indian tribe is suing New York State, demanding their ancestral lands in the Hamptons be returned to them. The state is considering handing over the property, if the tribe will also accept responsibility for Martha Stewart and Lizzie Grubman.

Verdict Split
Just as the O.J. Simpson verdict showed how divided America truly was along racial lines, Michael Jackson's acquittal is highlighting deep contrasts in American society. The people who are unhappy with the verdict tend to be white and middle class, and the people happy with the verdict tend to be mentally ill.

Jackson Changes
Michael Jackson's lawyer says the pop star will no longer allow young boys into his bedroom. Luckily for Jackson, the Neverland Ranch is home to the only roller coaster on earth with a sleeper car.

Jackson Changes II
Jackson attorney Thomas Mesereau says the pop star will make major changes in his lifestyle to avoid similar charges in the future. First and foremost, Jackson will now only molest mute orphans.

Top 5 Things You Didn't Know about the conservative Heritage Foundation's Summer Intern Program

5) Intern dorm has a free-market infirmary; the highest-bidder gets treated first!

4) No one gets dinner until they wash up, dress appropriately, and show counselors two angry letters about Hillary Clinton they've written to the Wall Street Journal editorial page

3) Latest field trip took the interns to a national park, where they put up commercial billboards and planted tobacco seeds

2) In the cafeteria, interns are required to buy government surplus cheese at what would have been its fair market price

1) Tonight's fun activity: "Meet Your First non-Christian Conservative!"

Phil Jackson's Back
The Lakers re-hired their ex-coach Phil Jackson yesterday. To prepare himself for coaching Kobe Bryant again, Jackson is planning on driving ten five-year-olds across the country in a minivan.

Deserter Returns
Charles Jenkins, who deserted his army unit in Korea in the 60's, is back in the United States for the first time in 40 years. As soon as he arrived at the airport, Jenkins was offered a job in the Bush administration.

Double Winner
Pennsylvania's Donna Goeppert, who won $1 million in the state's scratch-off lottery earlier this year, has beaten the odds and won ANOTHER $1 million from a separate scratch-off ticket she bought this week. The second win is giving Goeppert more financial security, more freedom, and a spot next to President Bush in the encyclopedia's entry for "dumb luck."

Double Winner II
A Pennsylvania woman who won $1 million in the state's scratch-off lottery earlier this year has beaten the odds and won ANOTHER $1 million from a separate scratch-off ticket she bought this week. Call me crazy, but I have a lot of ideas about what I'd do if I won a million dollar scratch-off lottery... and one of them ISN'T to buy more scratch-off lottery tickets!

Double Victim
On the other end of the spectrum, there's 42-year-old Fernando Castro of New York whose car collided with an ambulance and then he was hit by a cab after he stumbled from the wreck. Of course the only real difference between Castro and the double lotto winner is he'll have to wait until his personal injury case is settled before he collects his $2 million.

Schwarzenegger Ballot
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is ordering a statewide special election this November in hopes of weakening the legislature and adding more power to the Governor's office. But President Bush is secretly telling Schwarzenegger that he can get all those added powers simply by declaring war on Nevada.

Microsoft China Censorship
Bowing to government pressure, Microsoft's new Internet service in China is censoring words such as "freedom," "democracy" and "human rights" on its online journals. Of course the censorship program was easy to write because Microsoft employees have been banned from using those terms for the last 20 years.

Gitmo Costs
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld says the cost of keeping Guantanamo Bay prison open is $95 million a year. That's $1 million for food and shelter, and $94 million to pay for the plumbers to fix all the toilets clogged with copies of the Koran.

Gitmo's Future
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld says Guantanamo Bay prison will stay open until the war on terror is over... or until he and President Bush are finally charged with war crimes, whichever comes first.

Porn Republican
Porn star Mary Carey attended last night's $2,500-a-plate Republican fundraiser headlined by President Bush in Washington. It's the first time there was someone at a Republican fundraiser who'd degraded herself more than the actual politicians.

Jackson Case Lessons
While all the attention in the Michael Jackson case will be placed on the pop star, the jurors, and the news media itself, we should all try to remember the important lesson about justice this trial has taught us. It’s taught us that any 46-year old man in this country has the right to buy a multi-million dollar property, deck it out like an amusement park, invite 12-year old boys to sleep with him, and stock the place with porno mags and cheap wine! God Bless America!

Top 5 Reasons the Jury Acquitted Michael Jackson

5) Voting for a conviction meant those annoying Jackson fans would have followed them around forever

4) Now they won’t feel so awkward asking Jackson where he got those comfy pajama bottoms

3) No one would need to buy a book wanting to know why a juror convicted Michael Jackson!

2) If they’d convicted Jackson, they would have had to look at him for another two weeks during the penalty phase

1) Just wanted to see what it would look like when Nancy Grace’s head exploded

Michael’s Reaction I
While the not-guilty verdicts were read, Michael Jackson showed no emotion… but that’s only because he forgot to bring his “happy” and “relieved” faces from the plastic surgeon’s office.

Michael’s Reaction II
While leaving the courthouse after being acquitted on all counts, Michael Jackson waved to the cameras, smiled, and was discretely paid by several corporate lawyers not to yell, “I’m going to Disneyland!”

Jackson Case-News Media
The American news media is seen as a big loser in the case, as their ratings actually fell during the trial. But most news executives believe they will learn from their mistakes and do things better when Jackson is charged with the same thing next year.

Purcell Steps Down
Citing continued questions about his leadership, performance, and the negative attention it brought to the firm, Morgan Stanley CEO Philip Purcell has resigned. The Bush administration is now attempting to have this story censored under the Patriot Act.

Monster.com Founder Leaving
Jeff Taylor, who founded job search Web site Monster.com, is leaving the company in August for a “new opportunity.” Like most Americans, Taylor finally found his new job as soon as he stopped looking for one on Monster.com.

Supreme Court-Texas Case
The Supreme Court overturned the murder conviction of a Texas death-row inmate yesterday, on grounds that the jury selection was tainted by racial discrimination. The high court only allows racial discrimination to play a role in voter registration.

Gitmo Torture
A log book obtained by Time Magazine details the torture methods used on one inmate in Guantanamo Bay prison, which included making him see pictures of naked women, and forcing him to listen to Christina Aguilera music. You know, the same thing happens to me every time I watch MTV.

Gitmo Torture II
Bush administration defenders are repeatedly pointing to the plentiful amount of good food fed to the prisoners as proof that there are no human rights violations at Guanatanamo Bay. Of course, they fail to tell you that all the meals are prepared by the same guy who peed on the Koran.

Spousal Abuse Down
The Justice Department says cases of spousal abuse are down significantly over the past decade. Experts attribute the decline to better police training, awareness programs, and the fact that O.J. Simpson hasn't remarried.

Tyson KO'D
Mike Tyson suffered a stunning technical knock-out loss this weekend to journeyman fighter Kevin McBride. The once-feared Tyson is so weak now that even Robin Givens wants a rematch.

Pink Floyd Reunion
The original members of Pink Floyd will reunite for the first time in 24 years to perform at the "Live 8" concert for the world's poorest nations. Experts believe the band's performance will help stamp out poverty and replace it with severe depression.

Cornell President Quits
Cornell University President Jeffrey Lehman has announced his resignation just two years into his tenure. Insiders say the split grew out of major differences he had with the board over the most vital aspects of a university presidency: Lehman wanted to give all alumni donors just a Cornell mug, while the trustees were pushing for the mug AND the tote bag.

Top 5 Theological Questions at Billy Graham's 3-Day Outdoor Revival Meeting in Queens, New York

5) "Jesus saves... so why can't the Mets bullpen?"

4) "Waiting for the Second Coming, or waiting for your flight at La Guardia -- which takes longer?"

3) "Oh Lord, what is up Sheldon Silver's ass?"

2) "Should we ever say mean things about Jews when so many people could be secretly recording us?"

1) "Why are we doing this in Queens?"

RADIO ALERT II!!! If you happen to live in the Cleveland/Akron area, you'll be able to hear me on 1350 AM "Radio Free Ohio" WARF tomorrow at about 8:30am! This is all part of the new "Bill Press Show," which goes nationwide on Sirius Satellite radion on June 20th!

Jake's Comedy Corner is coming right to your email! To get Jake's jokes emailed to you directly Monday-Friday, just send a blank email to jakesjokes@gmail.com

Choosing Redd
President Bush has nominated retired Admiral John Scott Redd to head the National Counterterrorism Center. Bush chose Redd to protect our nation against terrorism of all kinds because of his military and intelligence experience, but mostly because he's opposed to abortion and affirmative action.

G8 Debt Relief
Finance ministers from the world's wealthiest nations have agreed to cancel $55 billion worth of debt run up by the world's poorest entities. They include sub-Saharan African nations, not-for-profit health providers, and everyone who's been betting on the Yankees.

Gilligan Ad
A racy TV commercial for the second season of "The Real Gilligan's Island" on TBS is causing massive controversy. Not because of the ad's sexy content, but because it's igniting near-deadly "Mary Ann vs. Ginger" debates at dozens of bars across the nation.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I was back in Thursday's "Punchlines" column in Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Top 5 Reasons Deliberations in the Michael Jackson Case are Taking So Long

5) Panel first has to decide whether Jackson is a man or a woman, White or Black, human or alien

4) Jurors still getting over massive bouts of nausea caused by looking at the defendant for hours every day

3) It's hard to discuss a trial when everyone is so busy negotiating their post-trial book deals

2) They spend hours a day just looking out the window and laughing at all the crazed Jackson fans

1) Joe Jackson keeps bursting into the jury room yelling, "Where's my son at?!?"

Bolton Delay
Senate Democrats say they’ll continue to block the vote on UN Ambassador-nominee John Bolton until the White House gives them documents they’ve requested on Bolton’s conduct. But the White House is reminding those Senators that forging those kinds of documents takes time.

Patriot Act Campaign
President Bush was in Ohio yesterday, trying to gain support for extending the Patriot Act. Bush credited the act for helping to catch terrorists, secure U.S. borders, and keep thousands of Democrats from voting in Columbus last November.

Crowe Worried
After attacking a New York City hotel worker with a phone, Russell Crowe admits he’s worried his temper and abusive behavior may ruin his career. But if his acting opportunities dry up, he’s sure to get hired as a guard at Guantanamo Bay.

Bloomberg Wedding
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s is throwing a lavish wedding party for his daughter at his home in Westchester County tomorrow. He wanted to have the reception on the West Side of Manhattan, but Sheldon Silver wouldn’t allow it.

Greenspan’s Take
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan told Congress yesterday that inflation is not a problem. That statement proves Greenspan doesn’t drive a car, doesn’t shop for food, and doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.

UN Anti-Semitism
The U.S. House of Representatives has overwhelmingly passed a resolution urging the United Nations to address anti-Semitism and anti-Israel policies. UN leaders say they're willing to address the issue, but they don't think they can possibly be any more anti-Semitic and anti-Israel than they already are.

Helms Apologetic
In his new autobiography, former North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms apologizes for his harsh stance against AIDS sufferers in the past, but not for his position against segregation. That’s because lots of AIDS sufferers are white.

Annan on Poverty
UN Secretary General Kofi Annan is declaring a worldwide war on poverty. He’s calling on all the world’s richest nations to boost aid to poorer countries, ease trade sanctions, and teach poor people how to run their own oil-for-food scams.

Perry Bill Signing
Critics are attacking Texas Governor Rick Perry's decision to sign a new abortion bill into law at a Christian school. Usually, Texas politicians make all their most important political moves in lobbyists' hotel rooms.

DeLay Fundraiser
House Majority Leader Tom DeLay held a special "wine and cigars" campaign fundraiser last night in Washington. DeLay decided to feature the two things he'll have trouble getting in prison.

Top 5 Reasons to Shut Down Guantanamo Bay Prison

5) Would be less expensive to outsource the prison to China or India

4) Only torture tool guards haven’t used is showing prisoners episodes of Jerry Hall reality show

3) Being locked up at Gitmo still not as bad a living free in Afghanistan

2) Trust me, because I learned this the hard way… you don’t want to make Jimmy Carter mad

1) The plumbing bill is getting out of control!

Sex Huts
In preparation for next year's World Cup soccer tournament, a German town is setting up small buildings where prostitutes can do business. Of course, the U.S. already has a building where our prostitutes conduct business; it's called the House of Representatives.

Tobacco Bargain
The Justice Department is scaling back its demand that U.S. tobacco companies pay $130 billion to fund anti-smoking efforts, and is now only asking for $10 billion. The policy change came when the politicians realized every dollar they save the tobacco industry comes right back to them in campaign donations.

Doctored Reports
A White House aide has been caught doctoring government environmental reports in order to downplay evidence of global warming. The aide has been transferred to the White House office in charge of WMD evidence and President Bush's National Guard records.

GM-Wall Street Reaction
Ever since GM announced its plan to lay off 25,000 workers, its stock has been soaring. If there's one thing Wall Street loves, it’s not having to share the profits with the people who actually do the work.

GM-White House Reaction
The White House is voicing no objections to GM’s decision to lay off 25,000 American workers. If a few more big corporations would just follow GM’s example, it wouldn’t be so hard for army recruiters to convince people to go to Iraq.

G-Rated Gold
A new study shows the average G-rated movie makes more money than the average R-rated movie. The news has convinced Disney to scrap the hot nude scene in “Pocahontas II.”

OTB for the Ladies
New York’s Off-Track Betting parlors are starting a new campaign to attract female bettors. One new ad tells women that at OTB they’re sure to find the unemployed, chain-smoking, child-support-owing men of their dreams.

Body Parts Found
Body parts from an apparent stowaway fell out of the wheel well of an Air South Africa jet this week and fell onto a house in Queens, New York. Investigators actually believe it wasn’t a stowaway, but a passenger who fled the seating area when he heard the in-flight movie was “Monster In Law.”

GM Layoffs
In order to be more competitive, General Motors says it will have to lay off 25,000 workers by 2008. If the layoffs don't work, management says it may have to do something really radical... like make better cars.

GM Layoffs II
GM says its biggest problem is its huge employee health care costs. CEO Rick Wagoner blames the unions for their unreasonable demands; like wanting to live.

GM Layoffs III
One of GM's problems is its union contract that requires it to provide health care to thousands of employees, even those who have been recently laid off. This is similar to its policy of paying 7-figure salaries to hundreds of its executives, even though none of them actually work.

GM Layoffs IV
GM promises to give laid-off employees everything they'll need to find a new job in auto making. That includes job counseling, good references, and a one-way plane ticket to China.

GM Layoffs V
GM says it will make 25,000 layoffs by 2008. Of course that's nothing compared to the Bush administration, which should be responsible for about two million layoffs by 2008.

Top 5 Things Overheard During the Bush/Blair Meeting

5) "Hey Tony! Got anymore of them phony memos I can use?"

4) "You know if we give Africa a lot more aid, we may get a lighter sentence after our war crimes trial"

3) "If you shut up about global warming, I'll give you this free air conditioner"

2) "Tony, would you guys be willing to take back Massachusetts?"

1) "You know George, following you has really destroyed my reputation and rendered me politically impotent... oh, who am I kidding? I can't stay mad at you!"

Medical Pot Reaction
The White House is praising this week's Supreme Court decision allowing the federal government to ban medical marijuana. President Bush sees the high court's decision to deny pain relief to thousands of Americans as a vote of confidence for his policies that deny 40 million Americans health care.

Top 5 Things Overheard in the New York Yankee Dugout

5) "Hey A-Rod, tell your shrink not to call you during the game"

4) "It's just too humid to play today"

3) "Now that I'm off steroids, losing doesn't make me so angry anymore"

2) "Running the bases makes me tired"

1) "Why do those other teams have to be so darn competitive?"

Bush/Kerry Grades
Newly released records show the supposedly more studious John Kerry had the same mediocre GPA as George W. Bush did when they both were at Yale. Of course, that means President Bush must be a lot smarter because he got the same grades without ever showing up for class!

Unemployable Grads
The number of recent college graduates still living at home without a real job is growing. But if the high-tuition liberal arts universities taught students real job skills, how would they get them to apply for their even higher-tuition grad schools?

Mental Illness
A new study shows 25% of all Americans suffer from mental illness, down from 28% a decade ago. Experts believe the reduction is due to more counseling, more psychiatric drugs, and the fact that the Red Sox finally won the World Series.

Mental Illness II
Many psychiatrists dispute the new study that says 25% of all Americans are mentally ill; insisting the number is more like 50%... and that only accounts for the people who voted for President Bush!

Top 5 Things to Expect if Michael Jackson is Convicted

5) Massive rioting at Disneyland

4) Looting at Toys "R" Us stores nationwide

3) 10,000 plastic surgeons instantly unemployed

2) Menudo finds it safe to tour in the U.S. again

1) All the cable news networks will move on to cover the really important stories... just kidding!!

Citibank Data
Citibank has announced that personal information on 4 million of its customers has been lost. The bank says it’s doing its absolute best to safeguard the data… but if that were true, how come they never lose anyone’s bills?

No Medical Pot
In a 6-3 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled against legalizing medical marijuana, with Justices O'Connor and Rehnquist dissenting because they are suffering many of the illnesses eased by marijuana use. And Justice Thomas dissented because he finds his female employees don’t get so upset about being harassed when they’re stoned.

No Medical Pot II
The Supreme Court ruled that allowing medical marijuana use would undermine the government’s overall anti-drug campaign. That’s funny; I thought that program was undermined by the fact that it's an utter and complete failure.

80-Year Old Madam
Cops in New Jersey have arrested an 80-year-old woman who was supplementing her retirement income by running a prostitution ring. This is the kind of private investment we can expect if President Bush makes those changes to Social Security.

Saddam Charges
As Iraq prepares to put Saddam Hussein on trial, prosecutors announced the former dictator now faces 12 counts of crimes against humanity. They include genocide, torture, and allowing himself to be photographed in his “tightie whities.”

Assad Blasts the Media
Syrian President Bashir Assad says the news media and the Internet are destroying the Arab culture because “young people exposed to their messages simply absorb everything they see without thinking." What’s ironic about that statement is Assad actually stole that line verbatim from the Republican Party Web site.

No Stadium
New York State Assembly leaders have nixed support for a new West Side stadium in Manhattan, meaning there’s no chance the city will get the Olympic games. But New Yorkers who really want to see foreigners competing in Manhattan can still watch all the cab drivers racing up the West Side Highway anytime they want.

Terror Prof
Opening arguments have begun in the trial of former University of South Florida professor Sami Al-Arian, who is accused of supporting Muslim terrorists. But Al-Arian was really fired for scheduling a midterm on the Friday afternoon right before spring break

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

RADIO ALERT II!!! If you happen to live in the Cleveland/Akron area, you'll be able to hear me on 1350 AM "Radio Free Ohio" WARF tomorrow at about 8:30am! More details later!!!

Secret U.S. Jails?
Amnesty International claims the United States runs a secret network of jails where prisoners are mistreated and even killed. The White House says these allegations threaten America's global credibility, endanger innocent lives, and are taking all the fun out of the War on Terror.

Top 5 Secret U.S. "Torture Jail" Locations

5) Any theater where they're showing "Monster in Law"

4) Wendy's chili factory

3) Tampa Bay Devil Rays bullpen

2) Amtrak trains on a holiday weekend

1) Detroit

Jews and Chess
A study at the University of Utah suggests that the reason there have been so many Jewish chess champions is because we have a greater degree of genetically-inherited intelligence... oh, and also, we suck at football.

Jews and Chess II
A study at the University of Utah suggests that the reason there have been so many Jewish chess champions is because they have a greater degree of genetically-inherited intelligence. Scientists are skeptical of the findings, because no one believes they were actually able to find any Jews to study in Utah.

Labor Camp Discovery
Federal agents have discovered a forced labor camp in Florida where homeless men and women were kept in virtual slavery. The camp's owners face several charges for kidnapping, unlawful imprisonment, and finding these people before army recruiters could get to them.

Salute to Israel Parade
More than one million Jews lined 5th Avenue in New York Sunday for the Salute to Israel parade. The only way to get that many Muslims to show up in one place is to flush a Koran down the toilet.

Mars Rover Rolling Again
NASA's Mars rover vehicle is moving again across Mars, after nearly five weeks stuck in a sand dune. Actually it wasn't really stuck; it was just waiting for gas to get below $2.50 a gallon again.

Wal-Mart Cleanliness
During its annual shareholders meeting this weekend, Wal-Mart executives said making their stores cleaner will be a top priority. It should be an easy goal to achieve, all they have to do is tell each store manager to pretend that the dirt is a union organizer.

Rumsfeld on China
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is bashing China for continuing its military buildup. Rumsfeld complains that China's spending on weapons threatens Taiwan, slows the march to democracy, and drives up the prices on all his favorite missiles.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Paul’s Book
Former Beatle Paul McCartney is writing a children's book called "High in the Clouds." Of course, that's also the title of his autobiography.

Spelling Bee Winner
13-year old Anurag Kashyap of California won the National Spelling Bee yesterday. The boy became a natural champion as soon as he learned how to spell his own name.

Jackson Defense
In their closing statements yesterday, Michael Jackson’s attorneys said their client was victimized by people who knew he was naïve. But it’s not clear if they were talking about Jackson’s accusers or his plastic surgeons.

Top 5 things Overheard in the Jackson Case Jury Room

5) “If we convict, do we send him to the men’s or women’s prison?”

4) “You know, that Jay Leno’s testimony wasn’t very funny”

3) "Do you think he’s wearing a wig?”

2) “This is so much harder than choosing an American Idol”

1) “I liked him better when he was wearing those cute pajamas”

Runaway Bride Sentence
For making false statements to police, a judge sentenced runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks yesterday to two years probation, 120 hours of community service, and she must stay at least 500 yards away from all Atlanta-area bridal shops for the next 5 years.

Cox Nominated
President Bush has named long-time corporate advocate Congressman Christopher Cox as his nominee to lead the SEC. Finally, someone in the Bush administration who will stand up for big business!

Cox Nominated II
President Bush says Cox is the best person to ensure fairness for both companies and their shareholders. Actually, Bush thinks Ken Lay is the best person, but he’s a little too busy right now.

Malpractice Study
Contrary to popular belief, a new study shows that malpractice suits aren’t actually driving up insurance rates for doctors. They are however, driving up fees for lawyers.

Wachovia Slavery
Wachovia Bank is formally apologizing for using its many businesses to promote slavery in the 18th century. These days, Wachovia only promotes slavery by issuing credit cards.

New Ford Boycott
A conservative Christian group is now boycotting the Ford Motor Co. for “promoting the homosexual agenda.” But how making gas-guzzling cars that die after 5 years helps gay people is anyone’s guess.

George Mikan Dead
Early-NBA star George Mikan died yesterday at the age of 80. The 6-10 Mikan was the first league MVP, the first pro to score 10,000 points, and the last NBA all-star never named in a paternity suit.

Top 5 Problems at the National Spelling Bee

5) Michael Jackson keeps trying to personally console the losers

4) Mafia figures rumored to be fixing the tournament

3) Dan Quayle is one of the judges

2) Red State Christian kids refusing to spell the scientific words

1) Paula Abdul is sleeping with 5 contestants

Spelling Bee
The National Spelling Bee competition is going on now in Washington, DC. Usually, the only place you see hundreds of stressed-out 9-to-14 year-olds competing for thousands of dollars is the Neverland Ranch.

Dukes of Hazzard Job
Country Music Television is paying a man $100,000 a year to watch re-runs of the "Dukes of Hazzard." U.S. taxpayers are paying President Bush $400,000 a year to do essentially the same thing.

Top 5 Other Nicknames the Washington Post Considered for Deep Throat

5) The Nixon-erator

4) Chesty LaRue

3) Secret Santa

2) The Vast Larynx

1) The Little Birdie

Gitmo Denials
President Bush, Vice President Cheney, and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld are strongly denying Amnesty International's reports of human rights violations against prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. But that's only because they don't consider the prisoners to be human beings.

Gitmo a Gulag?
Amnesty International is comparing Guantanamo Bay to the Soviet-era Gulags were people with threatening political views were forced to do slave labor for no pay. The truth is that people in the United States with threatening political views are forced to work long hours for no pay at "Air America."

President Jeb?
Former President George H.W. Bush says he'd like his son Jeb to run for President one day. Not because he's the most qualified candidate, but because Jeb is more likely than anyone else to issue George W. the pardon he's going to be needing as soon as he leaves office.

Deep Throat ID'd
Former FBI official Mark Felt now admits he was the infamous "Deep Throat" who leaked the information that led to the Watergate scandal. Experts are crediting Felt with exposing a serious political scandal, bringing down the Nixon White House, and making it acceptable to say "Deep Throat" in public.

Deep Throat ID'd II
The Watergate Scandal was unique because it took years to unravel, brought down a President, and it was the last time the American news media actually did any investigative reporting.

Top 5 Changes Now that We Know the Identity of Deep Throat

5) No longer any reason to respect Diane Sawyer

4) G. Gordon Liddy can finally beat up the right guy

3) Closet porn fans no longer have the "I'm just looking for clues" excuse to rent "Deep Throat"

2) All cable news political reporters can now be reassigned to more "runaway bride" and "crane man" stories

1) A certain 91-year old guy can finally stop worrying about paying for Viagra!

Iraqi Sentiment
Iraq's new president says most Iraqis now want Saddam Hussein to be executed. Not because of his crimes, but because no one wants to see anymore pictures of him in his underwear.

Russian Oil Tycoon Convicted
In a trial most experts agree was politically motivated, Russian Oil Tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky has been convicted of fraud and sentenced to 9 years in prison. The trial highlights the fundamental differences between the Russian and American judicial systems: In Russia, the ruling government can ignore a person's right to a fair trial... and in America, oil tycoons don't go to prison.

Russian Oil Tycoon Convicted II
In a trial most experts agree was politically motivated, Russian Oil Tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky has been convicted of fraud and sentenced to 9 years in prison. Most Americans are having a tough time understanding the conviction, because U.S. oil tycoons who commit fraud in U.S. usually become President.

Paris Engaged
Paris Hilton is now engaged to her boyfriend Paris Latsis. Hilton feels most comfortable with Latsis because it doesn't seem awkward when she's having sex with him and she calls out her own name.

Cheney Offended
Vice President Dick Cheney says he's "offended" by Amnesty International's claims that the U.S. is guilty of human rights abuses at Guantanamo Bay. Wait a minute, is it actually possible to offend Dick Cheney?