RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Saturday, July 30, 2005
After completing his latest physical, doctors at the National Naval Hospital have pronounced President Bush, "fit for duty" ... obviously there are no licensed psychiatrists on staff at that hospital.
Frist Reverses on Stem Cells
Republican Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is now supporting a bill funding stem cell research. Frist changed his mind after he assessed his presidential chances and finally learned what it's like to be severely disabled.
Friday, July 29, 2005
The IRA has officially announced it's giving up its weapons. Now that Muslim suicide bombers are terrorizing Britain, they just can't compete.
Philadelphia police are desperately searching for a black pregnant woman who's been missing for 10 days... but they're not as desperate as the cable news channels trying to figure out how to cover a story about a missing woman who isn't white.
Moss Wins Case
Supermodel Kate Moss has won her libel case against Britain's Sunday Mirror and is now set to receive a big cash settlement. The Mirror had offered to cater all of Moss' meals for the rest of her life, but the court ruled that would only have a retail value of $12.
Dinosaur Egg Discoveries
Scientists say they’re overwhelmed by the new information on evolution they're getting from studies on a set of 190-million-year-old dinosaur embryos. But school board officials in charge of science textbooks in the red states say they can censor it as fast as it comes in.
The House has approved a new energy bill that sends billions of dollars in tax breaks and subsidies to energy companies, but does little to reduce high energy prices. It's legislation like this that will help convince people living under dictators that democracy is really the better way to go.
Top 5 Not So Pro-Energy Company Parts of the New Energy Bill
5) Oil companies can keep jacking up the price of gas, but they have to bring back trading stamps
4) Companies cannot attempt to make more fossil fuels by bringing the dinosaurs back to life… and then killing them
3) Gas attendants asked to not laugh so hard when someone pulls into the station with a Hummer
2) Oil lobbyists now have a $500 million dollar-a-week campaign finance limit
1) Coal cannot be classified as a vegetable in school lunches
The Central American Free Trade Act passed the House yesterday by a narrow 217-215 vote. The vote was so close because after they bribed most of Congress earlier in the day to pass the energy bill, many corporate lobbyists didn't have much cash left.
A new survey shows that 30% of American soldiers coming back from Iraq are dealing with mental illness. But if they go much longer without being treated, they'll become perfect replacements for the maniacs in the Pentagon who started the war in the first place.
Bush A No-Show
President Bush has canceled a scheduled visit to the Boy Scout Troop's National Jamboree for the second day in a row. But the Scouts shouldn't feel bad; he's kept the guys from the Alabama Air National Guard waiting for 35 years.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
U.S. General George Casey says American troops could begin to pull out of Iraq by next spring. By then our mission to protect the nation's civilians will be completed because all of Iraq's civilians will already be dead.
Top 5 Signs You've Been at Your Job Too Long
5) Every few weeks, the boss walks into your office and says, "you're still here?"
4) You can remember your co-workers' names better than your own kids'.
3) You can remember when the president of the company was just a summer intern.
2) After all the mergers and consolidations, you're the only one who actually knows what the original name of the company was.
1) No one notices anymore when you show up to the office without pants.
NASA says it won't launch any more shuttle missions until it figures out what caused some debris to hit Discovery just after the launch. Gee, if the Bush administration adopted that kind of policy, we'd never get to fight any wars!
Shuttle Damage II
NASA says it's still not too worried by the damage Shuttle Discovery sustained during Tuesday's launch. Outside experts say the damage shouldn't endanger the mission, but it will lower the Shuttle's resale value even on the hot South Florida market.
A Kansas court has granted an emergency divorce to the wife of admitted BTK killer Dennis Rader. Mrs. Rader demanded the no-waiting-period divorce, not because her husband was a serial killer for 30 years, but because he never once put the toilet seat down in all that time.
BTK Divorce II
A Kansas court has granted an emergency divorce to the wife of admitted BTK killer Dennis Rader. Becoming a serial killer is not exactly the suggested way to get an uncontested divorce, but it works!
GM Discount Ending
General Motors is discontinuing its "employee discounts for everyone" offer... not because it didn't help sell cars, but because GM really doesn't have anymore real employees.
Marriage Offer for Chelsea
A Kenyan man has offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter Chelsea's hand in marriage. But Clinton says he's been staying clear of cows since the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
NHL's Big Comeback
In hopes of luring fans back after a year-long lockout, the NHL is scheduling all 30 of its teams to play on opening night. The teams are okay with the idea, but North America's dentists are asking for emergency backup.
O.J. Stealing Cable
A federal judge has found O.J. Simpson guilty of using an illegal device to steal satellite TV. But O.J. says he's innocent and won't rest until he finds the REAL satellite thieves.
O.J. Stealing Cable II
A federal judge in Florida has found O.J. Simpson guilty of using an illegal device to steal satellite TV. Simpson's lawyers plan an appeal based on their assertion that Mark Fuhrman planted the illegal dishes on O.J.'s house while vacationing in Florida.
French President Jacques Chirac is calling for measures to defend French companies from foreign takeover. Experts say this is a foolhardy move, not because it will feed into ruinous protectionism, but because it's crazy to think anyone would actually want to buy a French company.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
A small piece of debris that hit the Shuttle Discovery shortly after takeoff has NASA experts puzzled. They’re not sure whether the damage is relatively small, or something they’ll have to report to the insurance company and pay the deductible.
Bush Watches Launch
President Bush watched yesterday’s launch of the Shuttle Discovery from a TV in his private dining room next to the Oval Office. So as not to upset him if something went wrong, staffers told him it was a Star Trek re-run.
Top 5 Challenges for the Crew of the Shuttle Discovery
5) Keeping the cable news channels interested enough to keep covering the mission even if another blonde teen goes missing on a beach somewhere
4) Hoping no one finds out they’re really just playing a 12-day “Grand Theft Auto” marathon in space
3) Trying not to get demoralized when President Bush calls to congratulate them on their mission to orbit the Sun
2) Finding a gas station somewhere in the universe selling regular unleaded for less than $2.50 a gallon
1) Seven astronauts, a 12-day mission, one iPod… you do the math
Senate Democrats are continuing to demand some of the memos Supreme Court nominee John Roberts wrote while he worked in the White House. It’s not that the Democrats think they’ll find anything scandalous in the documents, they just hope looking at the memos will remind them of what it’s like to be in power.
Eminem Not Quitting
Rapper Eminem is denying reports that he is retiring. He says he’s just taking a break, so he can travel the world, meet many different people, and offend them.
Union-Pacific Birth Control
A federal judge has ordered Union-Pacific to pay for its female employees’ birth control pills since it already compensated male employees for their Viagra. Incidentally, Union-Pacific employees who have sex on their trains are members of the so-called “one-mile-an-hour club.”
TV Guide Changes
TV Guide is getting rid of its TV listings, and will now become another periodical about celebrity lifestyles. So the magazine that once made millions because Americans couldn’t figure out what was on just three channels is now set to make millions because Americans can’t figure out Bobby Brown.
No FSU Suspensions
Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden says he won’t suspend two of his linebackers arrested for assault, saying “there are other ways to punish players besides suspension,” … like making them go to class.
Monday, July 25, 2005
British police say last Thursday's would-be bombers used plastic kitchen storage containers to hold their explosive devices. From now on, all Pakistani men found at Tupperware parties will be arrested immediately.
As expected, the Teamsters and the SEIU split off from the AFL-CIO yesterday... leaving Democratic politicians in the tough position of now having to make empty promises to three unions instead of one.
Sony Stops Payola
Sony Music has agreed to stop paying radio stations to play their artists' music. Sony will, however, continue to offer full refunds and psychiatric counseling to anyone who buys an Ashlee Simpson CD.
Sony Stops Payola II
Sony Music has agreed to stop paying radio stations to play their artists' music. Sony made the decision so its executives can focus on more important things, like bribing their Congressmen.
NYC Mass Transit
Special Advisory to Tourists: In an effort to beat the heat and to avoid being stopped and searched, most New York City subway riders are now commuting naked.
Top 5 Heatwave Survival Tips for New Yorkers
5) Spend 5 minutes in Bill and Hillary Clinton's bedroom
4) If it's humanly possible, don't exert yourself anymore than the average city employee
3) Avoid the rising and setting sun by dumping murdered corpses in the Hudson River in the morning; East River in the afternoon
2) Cool off and get some needed sleep at the same time by going to see "The Island"
1) Drink as many fluids as you possibly can; continue to urinate on city streets as you see fit
No Roberts Fight?
It looks like Senate Democrats will not try to filibuster the vote on John Roberts' nomination to the Supreme Court. That means the millions of dollars Republicans would have used for attack ads on TV can now be used for the Karl Rove legal defense fund.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio
In the wake of the London bombings, many New Yorkers are calling for more cameras on city subways. But really, isn't there enough filth on TV already?
Even though New York City cops are now randomly searching people with bags on the subway, most commuters aren't getting annoyed. They got used to it during last summer's Republican National Convention, and this time they don't have to deal with any annoying Republicans!
Top 5 Suspicious Things to be on the Lookout for on the New York City Subway
5) Panhandlers who actually accept food instead of money
4) Anyone with a seat who doesn't pretend to be asleep when elderly or pregnant women get on the train
3) Subway conductor who makes announcements you can understand
2) Anyone under 70 without an iPod
1) An actual token clerk
Armstrong Wins Again
Lance Armstrong has closed out his cycling career by winning a record 7th straight Tour De France. Armstrong now faces an even tougher challenge as the White House has hired him to teach President Bush how to stay on his bike without falling down.
Now that his cycling career is over, Lance Armstrong says he's looking forward to hanging out on the beach and drinking beers for a long time... which is why Sheryl Crow is now also his trainer and not just his girlfriend.
The heads of four member unions say they're boycotting this week's A.F.L.-C.I.O. convention because of the leadership's failure to halt the decades-long slide of organized labor. But really, they're just angry that the convention organizers didn't schedule enough paid lunch breaks.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Bush Touts Roberts
In his weekly radio address, President Bush praised his Supreme Court nominee John Roberts saying, "America is fortunate to have a man of such wisdom and intellectual strength willing to serve our country." Yeah, too bad nobody like that has been willing to be our president for the last 50 years.
Sex Offender Registry
Federal agencies are now making information on thousands of convicted sex offenders available online. Of course, the government has placed the nation's biggest perverts for years in a public place called "Congress."
Friday, July 22, 2005
ATTENTION RADIO STATIONS!! JAKE NOVAK HAS A SPECIAL OFFER THAT YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS! EMAIL HIM AT firstname.lastname@example.org FOR DETAILS!!
In response to latest attack on the tube, London Mayor Ken Livingstone is urging citizens to stay calm, keep watch, and help him find a way to blame this all on Israel.
After the latest bombing attempt in London, New York City cops are asking commuters to tell them if they smell anything strange on the subway… so, the city is going to need to hire A LOT more cops.
Angry Jewish settlers continue to try to stop Israel from pulling out of the Gaza Strip. Experts say Israel could have avoided this whole pull-out controversy if it had just used a condom.
New Saudi Ambassador
60-year-old Turki al Faisal is set to become the new Saudi ambassador to the United States. Faisal has already made a number of trips to the White House so President Bush can get used to kissing his ass.
Brown to the Knicks?
Free agent coach Larry Brown has enjoyed success everywhere he's been; which explains why the New York Knicks want Larry Brown to coach them and why Larry Brown doesn't want to coach the New York Knicks.
Grand Theft Porn
Video game retailers are outraged to learn there were illicit sex scenes on the best-selling video game "Grand Theft Auto." Had they known about them, they could've charged a lot more!
Thursday, July 21, 2005
NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday
During his arraignment yesterday, Saddam Hussein kept rudely disagreeing and interrupting the judges; it's a legal tactic he learned from watching Nancy Grace on TV.
Top 5 Saddam Hussein Legal Demands
5) A good lawyer, preferably one of the hot ones from "The Practice"
4) A televised trial, but not on CNN because they'll probably just cut away every time some crazy broad in Georgia ditches her fiancé
3) A year's supply of Just for Men
2) Won't accept the legitimacy of the judges until he finds out where they stand on Roe v. Wade
1) Will plead guilty in return for the court's promise to keep his daughters safe from Jude Law
Democrats are hard at work on their official statement on President Bush's choice of John Roberts for the Supreme Court. The document isn't complete, but the first three words are reportedly, "ready, "aim," and "fire."
President Bush says he's confident the confirmation process for Supreme Court Justice nominee John Roberts "will move forward in a dignified, civil way." And the reason he can be so confident of that is because he cleared Roberts with the Swift Boat Veteran people first.
Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont is vowing to consider the Roberts nomination "as thoroughly and carefully as the American people expect and deserve"... which means we'll soon know whether Roberts ever smoked pot or employed an illegal alien as a nanny.
Top 5 Questions Senators Will Ask John Roberts
5) Is your wife a covert CIA operative, and if so, is she as hot as Valerie Plame?
4) Could the court someone use eminent domain to lock up Tom Cruise?
3) How will you help keep Justices Rehnquist and Stevens awake during late afternoon hearings?
2) Are your kids available for a play-date with my grandchildren after this hearing?
1) We know you're against abortion, but could you make an exception for Britney Spears' kid?
James Doohan, who played "Scotty" on the Star Trek series, has died at the age of 85. He will be buried in a special tomb along with fellow cast member DeForest "Bones" Kelly and William Shatner's original hair.
A Ugandan member of parliament has pledged to pay the university fees for all girls in his district who are still virgins when they finish high school. And for the more promiscuous girls, there's always that scholarship offer from Arizona State.
A University of Southern California database containing personal information on about 270,000 past applicants has been hacked. But it shouldn't be hard to find the culprits because the only people who would want that kind of information on USC students are the publishers of remedial math and English books.
ABC's "Brat Camp," a reality series about troubled teens, is getting much better ratings than its other reality series, "The Scholar," which features overachieving youngsters. But NBC is expected to beat them both by featuring the brats beating up the scholars on "Fear Factor."
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Bush Taps Roberts
President Bush has nominated John Roberts to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. The President surprised pundits who expected him to choose a woman, but he had to go with someone who would feel comfortable helping all the elderly male justices go to the bathroom.
Bush Taps Roberts II
In Roberts, President Bush has chosen a solid anti-abortion nominee for the court. And that’s good, since we’re going to need as many recruits as possible when we're still in Iraq in 20 years.
President Bush says he decided to announce his decision last night because he wants to start the confirmation process as soon as possible, give Roberts a chance to wrap up his caseload, and get the news media to completely forget about the White House CIA leak story.
Farrell Sex Video
Colin Farrell is trying to stop a former lover from releasing a private sex video the two made a while back. But critics say Farrell shouldn't fight it, because it's the only decent on-camera performance he's done in years.
Schuler for Congress
Heath Schuler has announced he's running for the House of Representatives from North Carolina. After a lousy NFL career, Schuler is getting into politics in hopes of breaking into the only other profession where people can fail consistently and still get paid big money.
Emily on the Move
Hurricane Emily is gaining strength and poised to hit Texas. But the storm wants to wait until the Supreme Court nomination news is out of the way so it can get full coverage again on CNN.
The Justice Department is trying again to punish the tobacco companies for misleading the public about the dangers of smoking by fining them $280 billion. Of course, $280 billion is about what it costs to buy a carton of cigarettes these days.
It's been so humid in New York City that everyone’s tattoos are actually running.
San Diego Mayor Convicted
San Diego mayor Michael Zucchet has been convicted of taking bribes from a strip club owner. Zucchet will either be sent to jail, or forced to become the next mayor of Las Vegas.
Rare Gator in Zoo
A rare white alligator is being housed at a South Carolina zoo after police say someone illegally took the animal from state-protected wetlands. Authorities say they'll keep the alligator under lock and key until it agrees to identify its captor before the grand jury.
Monday, July 18, 2005
New Leak Firing Rules
President Bush now says he'll only fire the leak in his administration if it turns discussing the information was a criminal act. White House staffers are confused by the new rules, because if it weren't for criminal acts, none of them would have their jobs in the first place!
Top 5 Real Ways to Get Fired at the White House
5) Forget to bow when Dick Cheney walks by
4) Make President Bush go to bed without reading him Where’s Waldo
3) Commit a crime... (but only if that crime gets someone other than a liberal journalist thrown in prison)
2) Talk about the economy, Iraq, gas prices, the deficit, divided America, low approval ratings... Hell, anything other than sports and Jesus, and you're fired!
1) Agree to write jokes for Laura at the next correspondent's dinner
Eric Rudolph has been sentenced to life in prison for bombing two abortion clinics and a gay club. If he weren't going to jail, he'd be the religious right's top pick to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court!
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says that methamphetamines are now a more dangerous drug in the United States than marijuana. Hell Alberto, aspirin is a more dangerous drug than marijuana!
Gotti Jr. Speaks
In his first interview from prison, John Gotti Junior says his greatest fear is that his children will follow him into a life of crime... well, that and them doing a really lousy reality show like his sister's kids.
Sharpton Calls for Calm
The Rev. Al Sharpton is called on angry Los Angeles residents to have patience while authorities investigate the death of a 19-month-old toddler killed by the LAPD during a shootout with her father. Sharpton is hoping people will stay calm while investigators conduct a thorough probe, the family mourns, and everyone else tries to figure out what the Hell Al Sharpton has to do with this case.
Girlie Mag Arrest
Authorities in Florida are sending a parolee back to jail because he had a copy of Maxim magazine at his home, and that violated the rules of his parole disallowing possession of sexually arousing materials. In a related story, California police are busted Michael Jackson for having a copy of Highlights at the Neverland Ranch.
Recently discovered cups and platters from a home in the ruined city of Pompeii are going on display at a Roman museum this week. Archaeologists are still trying to figure out if this was the family's "good" china, or just the crap they dragged out when the people who gave it to them as a wedding gift came to dinner.
President Bush hosted Prime Minister Manmohan Singh of India at the White House yesterday. After a short meeting, Bush agreed to closer cooperation between the U.S. and India in trade and technology, and Singh agreed not to insist that Bush pronounce his full name correctly.
Indian Visit II
President Bush and Prime Minister Manmohan Singh of India agreed to continued cooperation between their two nations at the White House yesterday: We will continue to get India's support in the struggle to check China's growing military strength, and India will continue to get all of our good jobs.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
The new Iraqi government has finally filed formal charges against Saddam Hussein. They include several counts of murder, terror, and stealing an early copy of the new Harry Potter book.
Top 5 Strategies for the Saddam Hussein Legal Defense Team
5) Present some great alibi witnesses, like Robert Blake and O.J. Simpson
4) In return for a real plea deal, reveal where those imaginary WMD's are
3) Remind the jury that as bad as he was, Saddam never made any deals with any sleazy muscle magazines
2) Distract the jurors by devoting their entire opening statement to questions about the whole Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes relationship
1) Just give up; no matter what happens, he's got a longer life-expectancy than most Iraqis these days anyway
A newborn Milwaukee baby girl tipped the scales at a whopping 14-pounds. Doctors say the girl is 99% likely to grow up completely healthy... and the baby's mother is 100% likely never to want sex again.
Box Office Results
"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" won the box office race this weekend by taking in $55 million. That's funny, because that's exactly what it cost me this weekend to buy movie tickets and candy for my family.
New Potter Book
Critics say the new Harry Potter book is excellent, however it contains more disturbing and frightening images than the first five books in the series. But Michael Jackson says if any young Potter fans are overly scared by the book, they have an open invitation to spend the night at his house.
Potter Book-Catholic Church
The Vatican is condemning the Harry Potter books, saying they are akin to educational volumes on black magic. But most Catholic parents are ignoring that in hopes that learning black magic may help their kids protect themselves from Catholic priests.
Pauly Shore Show
TBS has a new reality show starring Pauly Shore as the idiot son trying not to destroy the business he inherited from his parents... wait, isn't that show the White House has been running for the last five years?
Friday, July 15, 2005
Harry Potter Security
Millions of the new Harry Potter books are being delivered to book stores around the country and will finally go on sale at midnight. The books are guarded heavily as they could prove almost lethal to children if they fall into the hands of Michael Jackson.
Chief Justice William Rehnquist ended speculation about his retirement Thursday night and announced that he's not ready to step down. Of course, at his age he's never ready to step down until he can find someone to help him up.
Critics say the fact that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is being paid $1 million a year by several fitness magazines constitutes a conflict of interest for the Governor. Of course, the fact that Schwarzenegger is still the Governor conflicts with the interests of everyone who lives in California.
After falling ill with a high fever, Chief Justice William Rehnquist finally recovered yesterday. Rehnquist was released from the hospital in return for another elderly supreme court justice and two lower court judges to be named later.
NASA Launch Date
After scrubbing Wednesday’s shuttle Discovery launch, NASA is hesitating to announce a new launch date. But if reporters really want to know, they can just call Karl Rove.
NASA Launch Date II
A NASA spokesman says the shuttle Discovery could launch as soon as this Sunday… of course that’s coming from the same guy who says the Bush administration reduced the deficit last year.
A Zimbabwean court has thrown a man in jail who has been masquerading as a female athlete and competing in track and field events. This isn’t such a bad punishment for the man, since real women athletes in Africa get stoned to death.
Chertoff to NY: “Drop Dead!”
Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff says protecting mass transit is a local problem that can’t be handled by the Bush administration. Chertoff cited the costs, logistical questions, and the fact that people only ride buses and subways in the blue states.
Better Elementary Test Scores
The nation's 9-year-olds are doing better in reading and math tests, and especially in geography. That’s because all the smart kids know that the only way they’ll get a job when they grow up is to move to China.
Big Water Bill
An Illinois woman got the shock of her life this week when her water company accidentally sent her a monthly water bill that topped $74,000. Of course, that was actually her electric bill.
Top 5 Lesser-Known Emmy Categories
5) “Best Made-for-TV Movie About a Battered Woman on Lifetime”
4) “Best New Reality Show Featuring a Surviving Cast Member from
3) “Best Poker Show on TV in Primetime”
2) “Best Poker Show on TV in Daytime”
1) “Best Sit-Com Already Canceled by FOX”
Bush on Blacks
President Bush told a crowd of African-Americans in Indiana yesterday that his administration's tax policies are making things better for blacks. By that he meant that the rich white people who are actually getting all the tax breaks are tipping their servants more.
Study on Studies
A new study says many of the studies reported in the news aren't accurate and aren’t checked by the media outlets anyway… That doesn’t exactly sound right, but I’m too busy to find out for sure.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Top 5 Worst Places to Live in America
5) Neverland Ranch child guest room
4) Anywhere within earshot of Tom Cruise
3) Next door to Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers on the day you try out your new digital camera
2) In between Rosie O’Donnell and the Cheeto factory
1) Any place in Florida
President Bush is having trouble coming up with a replacement for Sandra Day O’Connor on the Supreme Court while he’s being distracted by the chance that Karl Rove could go to jail for leaking a CIA’s agent name to the press. So the President is going to solve both problems at once by nominating Rove!
NASA Scrubs Launch
NASA scrubbed yesterday’s launch of the Shuttle Discovery because of a faulty fuel tank… which is the nice way of saying they have to wait until gas prices go down.
A judge sentenced former WorldCom CEO Bernie Ebbers to 25 years in jail yesterday, saying the $11 billion fraud at the company demanded a severe punishment. Had the fraud been any bigger, the judge would have had to sentence Ebbers to serve at the Pentagon.
Ebbers Sentenced II
A judge sentenced former WorldCom CEO Bernie Ebbers to 25 years in jail yesterday. During his time in prison it’s assumed someone will finally get a chance to screw someone FROM the phone company!
NHL Lockout Over
The NHL owners and players union have finally agreed on a new deal to end their 301-day team lockout. However, the league’s ticket prices are expected to lockout most hockey fans for another several years.
This is Bastille Day, the French holiday marking the storming of the infamous Paris prison. It was the last time a large group of French people attacked something that wasn't American.
The House aviation subcommittee alleges that several employees of the Transportation Safety Administration are doing “useless jobs” despite getting salaries that pay more than $100,000 annually. In fact, the only government employees performing a more useless job for that kind of money are the members of the House aviation subcommittee.
Soft Drink Warnings
A consumer group is calling for health warnings on soft drink cans. They want labels that tell consumers that soda can lead to diabetes, tooth decay, and excessive belching.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Today's launch of the Space Shuttle Discovery is expected to cost billions of dollars... and that's just for the gas.
Top 5 Children’s Books Recommended by Laura Bush
5) Where the WMD’s Are
4) See Dick Really Run the Country
3) The Very Hungry Lobbyist
2) Heather’s Two Mommies are Very, Very Bad
1) Not Very Curious George
Bush Nomination Talks
President Bush talked with leading Senators yesterday about the process for replacing Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, but he didn't give them any names… Karl Rove is the only one at the White House who gives out names.
Top 5 Things Overheard During President Bush's Meeting with U.S. Senators on the Supreme Court Nomination Process
5) "Can we get a hotter chick this time?"
4) "Look, I need to make a decision soon so the Swift Boat guys can start producing a slimy commercial"
3) "Let's get that 'Survivor' producer to turn this whole process into a reality show!"
2) "Senator Schumer... let me introduce you to my little friend!"
1) "Let's at least agree to drag this out as long as we can so no one notices what a
crappy job we're doing running the country!"
Monaco's Prince Albert was formally installed as the ruler of Monaco yesterday. During a solemn Catholic mass marking the event, the Archbishop asked God to protect Albert from sickness, death, and any more paternity suits.
Top 5 Goals for Prince Albert's Administration
5) Better math education in Monaco's schools, so children can bet smarter in the casinos
4) Free health care for illegitimate children who keep their mouths shut
3) Sponsoring the world's first professional bobsledding league
2) Saving social security for Monaco's two non-billionaires
1) Putting Rogaine into the municipal water supply
Big Butt Stabber
The Brooklyn woman who stabbed her husband to death after he complained her butt was too big is off the hook. The judge in the case says he just didn’t want to look at all the evidence.
Despite a $200 million payroll, the New York Yankees begin the second half of the season in 3rd place. The only people paid more to do less are all in Congress.
American Airlines will soon begin regular service on its longest nonstop flight from Chicago to Delhi, India. American says the 14 ½ hour flights are critical to its financial survival, because after all the passengers fall asleep, the flight attendants will steal everyone’s wallets.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Top 10 Least Popular Posts on "Almost Met Jew.com"
10) "Me: smiling at you on the #7 train. You: Running out of the subway after I used my yarmulke as a tissue."
9) "I never actually saw you, but my mother says you looked like a doctor."
8) "You seemed intrigued by my 27 Kaballah tattoos."
7) "I didn't cover my eyes during Sh'ma to get a better look at you!"
6) "I liked the way you frisked me before I boarded El Al flight #517."
5) "Was that a lulav in your pocket on Sukkot, or were you just happy to see me?"
4) "Our hands briefly touched as we both tried to grab the last piece of kichel."
3) "Sheila, this is your mother... I'm using this service because you're like a stranger to me these days!"
2) "The smell of whitefish on your breath made me hungry... for love!"
1) Me: "Smiling at you from the other side of 5th Ave. at the Salute to Israel Parade. You: Running across to meet me before you were run over by the Rokeach float... are you okay?"
(to check the real Almost Met Jew website click here: almostmetjew.com)
Top 5 Reasons Why Chief Justice Rehnquist Can’t Make up His Mind About Retirement
5) Doesn’t want to step down before he finds out if Bush will replace Sandra Day O’Connor with another “hot chick”
4) Wants to wait to see if NBC will have anything worth watching this fall
3) If the Nationals make the playoffs, will he still get good seats if he’s an ex-Justice?
2) Every day he waits, his house in Georgetown goes up in value by 10%
1) Three words: “Chief Justice Thomas”
As evidence mounts that Karl Rove leaked CIA agent Valerie Plame’s name to the news media, there are doubts whether President Bush will carry out his promise to fire anyone found to have leaked classified information. But that’s only because it was Karl Rove who told him to make that promise.
As evidence mounts that Karl Rove leaked CIA agent Valerie Plame’s name to the news media, there are doubts whether President Bush will carry out his promise to fire anyone found to have leaked the CIA operative's identity. That’s because without Rove, Bush would be left without a political strategist, a friend, and someone nice to tuck him in at night and tell him he’s a really, really good president.
In light of the allegations against Rove, some Senators have called on President Bush to shut him out of classified meetings… but if Rove isn’t there, who will let President Bush in?
Rove News Media
The news media is jumping on the Karl Rove/White House leak story with gusto. CBS wants to know if Rove committed a crime, the New York Times hopes to discover whether he was the only informant, and MSNBC wants to find out if Rove knows where that girl in Aruba is too.
Money Magazine chose Moorestown, New Jersey as the best city in America to live. Moorestown has great schools, clean streets, and, since it’s the home of Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, you know the population isn’t too competitive.
Mad Magazine editors are joining leading Republicans as they blast Hillary Clinton for comparing President Bush to Mad’s mascot, Alfred E. Neuman. The magazine says there’s a big difference between Neuman, who is just a goofy-looking, know-nothing, child figurehead, and President Bush, who is a goofy-looking, know-nothing adult figurehead.
Gas prices are getting so high, Karl Rove actually made all his illegal leaks to the press while riding his bicycle to work today.
Gas Prices II
Gas prices are so high now that hookers in Manhattan are actually charging less for a fill-up than the local Exxon station!
Gas Prices III
Gas prices are so high now that the only people driving fast anymore are the ones trying to get away from Tom Cruise.
Rogers to Play
Despite his recent 20-game suspension for attacking a cameraman, Texas Rangers Pitcher Kenny Rogers is playing in the Major League Baseball All-Star Game. Rogers will be taking the injured Barry Bonds’ angry, violent, child-like player spot in the lineup.
Barry Bonds will not be playing in this year’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game. This could mean a low scoring game, weak TV ratings, and the stadium’s steroid concession will likely have a very slow night.
Monday, July 11, 2005
In response to Hurricane Dennis, Florida Governor Jeb Bush has declared a state of emergency… not because of the high winds and rain, but because he wants investigators to check whether the storm had anything to do with the death of Terri Schiavo.
As soon as it made landfall near Pensacola, Hurricane Dennis began to weaken and die out. The same thing happens to most retirees the second they hit Florida too.
Top 5 Things to Do if You’re in the Path of a Hurricane in Florida
5) Board up your windows, garage your cars, and do something about that fragile comb-over!
4) Blame the liberals for the storm, and the Fox News reporters are sure to come rescue you before prime time.
3) Run to the home of the nearest Miami Dolphins fan; they really know how to cope with disaster.
2) Hide behind that fat monk who kept trying to save Terri Schiavo.
1) Move somewhere with a better-equipped and helpful government… like Cuba.
Baby Panda Okay
Giant panda Mei Xiang’s new cub has survived its critical first day of life at the National Zoo in Washington. The baby bear has fended off challenges like malnutrition, heat exhaustion, and Congressional Republicans trying to eliminate its free lunch program.
Looper on the Block?
The Mets are reportedly considering trading their closer, Braden Looper. If they’re lucky, they’ll get two sanitary socks and a used jock strap for him.
Looper on the Block II?
The Mets are reportedly considering trading their closer, Braden Looper. Of course, the only people interested in Looper now are the guys who make Alka Seltzer.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio
2012 Olympics Switch?
After the London terrorist attacks, some are wondering if the 2012 summer Olympic Games should be moved to the runner-up city of Paris. But experts believe things will remain as they are now: London will continue to sponsor the games, and Paris will continue to sponsor the terrorists.
New Panda Born
A new panda cub has been born at the National Zoo in Washington. Its mother was artificially inseminated after refusing to mate with her male counterpart for two years... This story proves that you can filibuster all you want in Washington, but you're still going to get screwed in the end.
Friday, July 08, 2005
The other G8 countries are promising to do whatever they can to aid Britain in the aftermath of yesterday's bombing. President Bush is lending security personnel, Vladimir Putin is sharing Russian intelligence information, and Jacques Chirac is offering to give away all of his Scottish-prepared meals.
Fantastic Four Reviews
The critics seem mostly confused by the new movie "The Fantastic Four." Reviewers aren't sure how a film featuring a flaming boy in a unitard was only rated PG-13.
Several news organizations are taking President Bush up on his offer to visit the Guantanamo Bay prison and check on conditions there. The only trouble is once they all get there; the FOX News reporters are the only ones the administration allows to leave.
A Staten Island basketball coach has been arrested for spanking players who miss free throws. Phil Jackson tried that with Shaquille O'Neal, but he got a hernia from putting him over his knee.
Scotus Litmus Test
President Bush says he won't require any of his potential Supreme Court nominees to pass a litmus test on abortion or gay marriage. Of course that's only fair since Bush has never passed many tests himself.
About a third of Americans say they feel less safe driving than they did five years ago. The other two-thirds realize things are actually safer now that President Bush doesn't drive his own cars anymore.
Running of the Bulls
The running of the bulls has begun in the Spanish town of Pamplona. The crowds are smaller this year as most of the world's reckless idiots are busy protesting at the G8 summit.
Prescription Drug Abuse
The number of Americans who admit illegally buying prescription drugs nearly doubled to over 15 million last year... but most of them say they were just getting them for Rush Limbaugh.
Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor has suffered a stroke, but is recovering in a Los Angeles hospital. Doctors are advising Gabor to take it easy for awhile, which means she only plans to get married two or three times in the next six weeks.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday
No NYC Olympics
The bad news is New York City didn’t get the 2012 Summer Olympic Games. The good news is all illegal steroids are now selling on the streets of Manhattan for half price!
London Gets Olympics
London beat out favorite Paris and has been awarded the 2012 Summer Games. But as a consolation prize, the Olympic Committee will let French President Jacques Chirac cater all the events.
Top 5 Real Reasons New York Didn't Get the Olympics
5) Marathoners were worried they'd be run over by cab drivers from rival countries
4) 2-week rentals of tiny 1-room Olympic village apartments would have cost $17,000 each
3) Like the rest of us, all those Jets fans really frightened the Olympic committee
2) 300,000 foreign tourists + City laws against smoking in bars = riot!
1) City politicians didn't want to be distracted from tirelessly working on more important things like education, jobs... and who are we kidding?
Bush Taps Thompson
President Bush has tapped former Senator and "Law and Order" star Fred Thompson to help guide his eventual Supreme Court nominee through the confirmation process. Thompson vows to work just as hard at this task as does on the set of "Law and Order;" which means he'll spend about two minutes a week on the job.
Miller to Jail
After she again refused to reveal her confidential source, a federal judge sent New York Times reporter Judith Miller to jail yesterday. This means NBC executives are now working on a new reality show for Miller to host when she gets out.
President Bush suffered minor injuries yesterday when he accidentally crashed his mountain bike into a British security guard. The White House is shocked by the incident, especially since the bike still had training wheels.
Bush Collision II
President Bush suffered minor injuries yesterday when he accidentally crashed his mountain bike into a British security guard. The White House is working hard to come up with documents proving the guard was actually an Iranian.
L'il Kim in the Big House
Rapper L'il Kim has been sentenced to a year in prison; a sure sign that her CD sales will increase right away. People living in Young MC's neighborhood are hoping he never figures this out.
Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers apologized to fans and the TV cameraman he attacked for losing his temper. The cameraman says he'll forgive Rogers, and all he wants in return is his autograph... on a blank check.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
White House insiders say the Live 8 concerts didn't exactly convince President Bush to do more for the people of Africa. But that's because when he saw Pink Floyd, The Who, and Paul McCartney performing, he just assumed it was another senior citizen protest against his Social Security plan.
As the G8 summit begins, French President Jacques Chirac's comment that British food is the worst in Europe has set off a huge firestorm of controversy... so just imagine how bad it would be if he had said something that wasn't true!
Top 5 Things Overheard at the G8 Summit
5) "Jacques, you can't have dessert until you finish your haggis!"
4) "Those protesters get freakier looking every year"
3) "Wait, the Live 8 concerts were to help Africa? Sorry, I was too busy staring at Mariah Carey's ass."
2) "We're not leaving this conference before we agree to reduce greenhouse gases... or forge some scientific studies that say we don't have to, whichever is easier."
1) "I now declare the class war over... the rich won!"
The G8 summit begins today at a golf resort in Scotland. The world's leaders like meeting at golf resorts, because it helps occupy President Bush while the grown-ups try to get some work done.
Top 5 Bush Administration Anti-Poverty Measures for Africa
5) Free Fox News subscriptions for all needy children
4) Replacing free condoms with free copies of the Gideon Bible
3) Provide the hungry with all the British food Jacques Chirac doesn't eat
2) Special prizes for all Africans who say they've "witnessed" Iranians mining for uranium in their village
1) 5 cents off every gallon of premium unleaded at every African Exxon on Wacky Wednesdays!
Each world leader at the G8 summit in Scotland is hoping to get some questions answered. Tony Blair is asking his colleagues to commit to reducing greenhouse gases, Jacques Chirac is wondering if there will be changes to the EU budget, and President Bush wants to know if all the Scottish guys in kilts are some kind of endorsement for gay marriage.
President Bush has narrowed down his choices to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. The finalists are Alberto Gonzalez, Edith Jones and the ventriloquist dummy Antonin Scalia's been working with for the last two months.
Cindy on its Way
As Tropical Storm Cindy heads for the Gulf Coast, homeowners are boarding up windows, boaters are clearing the waters, and all the FOX News reporters are trying to interview the killer sharks before the weather gets really bad.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Live 8 Results
The Live 8 concerts successfully convinced the world that more needs to be done to properly educate the needy, efficiently feed the hungry, and adequately clothe Mariah Carey.
Live 8 Results II
Organizers say the Live 8 concerts and appeals have clearly changed attitudes in the world’s Western countries about the need to do everything possible to feed the hungry people of Africa. In other news, Takeru Kobayashi of Japan won his fifth consecutive Nathan’s hot-dog eating title yesterday by downing 49 frankfurters in 12 minutes!
Live 8 Results III
The musical acts that performed at the Live 8 concerts are already seeing big boosts in CD sales. But they’re not doing as well as the stores selling arthritis medication to the members of Pink Floyd and The Who.
Deep Impact Crash
The Deep Impact spacecraft smashed into a comet yesterday. The crash delighted NASA scientists, mostly because the spacecraft’s collision insurance doesn’t include a deductible.
Hall of Fame NFL coach Hank Stram died yesterday at the age of 82. His hairpiece remains in stable condition.
Monday, July 04, 2005
The death of smooth singer Luther Vandross will be felt sorely across the world... mostly because it just got a lot harder for couples over 45 to have sex.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor announced her retirement yesterday, but to get the news media's attention her staff had to report her missing in Aruba.
Top 5 Real Reasons Sandra Day O'Connor Stepped Down
5) Tired of people confusing her with Judge Judy
4) Tired of making $10 million less per year than Judge Judy
3) Hated being called "the pretty one" when compared to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg
2) 24 years of going to the Supreme Court barber shop, and in all that time not one decent hairdo!
1) Now that they're not working together, she and Clarence Thomas can finally date!
Isn't it weird that 5 former U.S. hostages recognize the new president of Iran as being one of their captors 25 years ago, but there still isn't anybody who remembers seeing President Bush showing up for his National Guard duty?
Friday, July 01, 2005
WEB ALERT!! I have a new piece spoofing the Matt Lauer/Tom Cruise interview on the Enduring Vision Web Site. Here's the link: EnduringVision
Time Magazine has decided to finally obey a court order and turn over notes regarding the leak of a CIA operative's name. Time says it must comply with the Supreme Court’s ruling, and it also wants to get back to focusing on stories about shark attacks and missing teens in Aruba.
Five of the former U.S. hostages in Iran say the newly elected president of that country was one of the students who held them captive from 1979 to 1981. The former hostages say they're not exactly surprised to see a former captor again; it's just that they assumed it would be at their local 7-11.
Hitman to Return
46-year-old former boxing champ Thomas "Hitman" Hearns says he's getting back into the ring because he feels "a lot of fire down inside." Unfortunately for Hearns, boxing isn't the cure for gonorrhea.
Rogers Goes Berserk
Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers inexplicably beat up a TV cameraman yesterday. Rogers faces a long suspension, because the only Major League pitcher who has a good reason for attacking someone just for putting his face on camera is Randy Johnson.
Top 5 Things to Avoid this July 4th Weekend
5) Letting Tom Cruise see you go into a drug store
4) Saying anything that may upset Kenny Rogers or Gary Sheffield
3) Telling a secret to anyone at Time Magazine
2) Lending Russell Crowe your cell phone
1) Those Army recruiters from downtown who say they "just want to see what your signature looks like"
Jacko on Vacation
Michael Jackson is now on vacation at a prince's palace in the tiny Gulf kingdom of Bahrain. The palace is actually just like the Neverland Ranch; no women allowed.
Ben and Jen Wed
Ending months of speculation, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have announced that they were married earlier this week and that Garner is 5 months pregnant. The couple says they waited a while to get married to strengthen their love, reduce media speculation, and confirm that the baby really is Ben's.