Friday, October 29, 2004

LIVE APPEARANCE ALERT!!! I'm back on stage this Saturday night at 7pm at the NY Improv! The Improv is located on 53rd Street just off 8th Avenue. Here's their web site: NY Improv

Announcer: "Hey Yasser Arafat! You're responsible for killing hundreds of innocent people, looting your own people's money and resources, and setting back the peace process for decades! What are you gonna do next?"

Arafat: "I'm going to EuroDisney!"

Arafat to Paris
A seriously ill Yasser Arafat has been sent to Paris for special medical treatment. Experts say Arafat made the decision because French doctors are very good at not only treating ailments, but finding a way to blame them on the Jews.

Arafat Sick
Doctors say Yasser Arafat is suffering from a lack of red blood platelets. Apparently, you can't get red blood from a black heart.

Vatican Rule
Fearing that rosary beads will become trivialized, the Roman Catholic Church is issuing a leaflet saying that they are not a toy. Too bad the Church didn't issue a leaflet telling its priests that altar boys aren't toys either.

Election Predictor
Since 1936, every time the Washington Redskins have won their last home game before the presidential election, the incumbent has lost. Every time they've won, the incumbent has won. This year the Redskins are playing the Packers, so John Kerry is sending all the Packers players his best wishes, and President Bush is sending all the Redskins players a big tax cut.

Wal-Mart vs. Healthcare
Wal-Mart said it will spend $500,000 to defeat a California ballot measure requiring employers to pay for health care coverage for workers. The company also plans to continue to make working at its stores so awful that none of the sick employees will want to get better and come back on the job anyway.

No Carlin at Wal-Mart
Wal-Mart announced that they will not sell George Carlin's new book "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?"... which is strange since so much of Wal-Mart's revenues come from sales of pork chops and books about Jesus.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Top 5 New Hopeless Causes Boston Fans Can Adopt Now that the Red Sox are Champs

5) Donald Trump's hair

4) Clinton fidelity

3) Finishing the "Big Dig"

2) Middle East peace

1) Nader Campaign

Bush Excuse
President Bush says the mysterious bulge in the back of his suit coat during the first presidential debate was the result of "a poorly tailored shirt."... and by that he meant a poorly tailored shirt that failed to cover the transmitter taped to his back.

Death Wish
A Houston man who recently died, but was a big supporter of President Bush, listed in his will that in lieu of flowers, people should just vote for Bush in November. Well, sure, he won't have to live with Bush for another four years so what does he care?!?

New Kojack
Actor Ving Rhames will star as Kojak in a remake of the classic TV series for USA Network. The entire first season of the show will deal with explaining how a Black man has a Polish last name.

Arafat Sick
PLO leaders say Yasser Arafat won't be moved to a foreign hospital because his Palestinians doctors know their patient best. But experts say physicians familiar with Arafat don't actually administer any different medical treatment, they're just the only ones who know that when you treat him you have to demand cash payment up front.

Roberts in Bed
Julia Roberts was admitted to a Los Angeles hospital after experiencing early contractions, and doctors are advising that she remain in bed for the rest of her pregnancy. And fans of decent movie-making are advising that she remain in bed for the rest of her natural life.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Bush Flu
A new poll shows most Americans don't blame President Bush for the current shortage of flu vaccine, but they do think some older governmental powers are the source of the problem... which means they blame Dick Cheney.

Early Voting
Every state in the Union is reporting huge numbers of people sending in their ballots early this year. It's not clear if they're voting early it to make sure their vote is counted, or if they just want to avoid all the lawyers who will be at the polling places on election day.

Arafat Sick
Doctors say Yasser Arafat is suffering from a large gallstone. Palestinian doctors say they can remove the stone, and believe it will be ready to be thrown at some Israelis before next week.

Gaza Pullout
The Israeli parliament voted Tuesday to pullout of the Gaza Strip. It's only been a day, but Gaza is already complaining that Israel doesn't call and doesn't write...

Subway Anniversary
Today marks the 100th anniversary of the New York City Subway. Things were a lot different in 1904. Fares were just 5 cents, there were only a few trains, and there was only one person urinating on the subway platforms each day.

Subway Anniversary II
Today marks the 100th anniversary of the New York City Subway. But riders aren't sure if it's been 100 years since the whole system was founded, or a 100 years since the D train showed up on time.

Comparing and Contrasting the NYC Subways 1904-2004

NYC Subways 1904: Nice man next to you politely asks you to think about becoming a Methodist

NYC Subways 2004: Nice man next to you politely tells you that he's Satan

NYC Subways 1904: Elegant woman dressed in formal wear sitting next to you is actually a member of High Society

NYC Subways 2004: Elegant woman in formal wear sitting next to you is actually a man

NYC Subways 1904: Men politely give up their seats to women

NYC Subways 2004: Men politely give up their seats to women, then flash them

NYC Subways 1904: Smoking allowed only in clearly marked "smoking cars"

NYC Subways 2004: Conductors on your A train clearly are smoking something

NYC Subways 1904: Passengers all carry several nickels to pay fares for each ride

NYC Subways 2004: Passengers all carry several nickels to pay off aggressive panhandlers

NYC Subways 1904: Candy and food are actually sold on the subway platform

NYC Subways 2004: Strange odor on subway platform actually the same food they were selling 100 years ago

NYC Subways 1904: New Yorkers bemoan the fact that the Boston Red Sox are the world champions

NYC Subways 2004: No Change

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Rehnquist Future
Now that he's ill, the Presidential election will definitely affect Chief Justice William Rehnquist's future plans. If Bush wins, he'll retire right away, but if Kerry wins, he'll just stay on the court long enough to overturn the election.

Election Uncertainty
A new poll shows that 60% of Americans are "very upset" because they believe neither Bush nor Kerry will be the clear winner on election day The other 40% are even more upset because they believe either Bush or Kerry will be the clear winner on election day.

Arafat Rejects Offer
Yasser Arafat is refusing Israel's offer to allow him to leave his West Bank compound for medical treatment because he believes it could be a trick and Israel may not allow him to return. Palestinian officials say Arafat became suspicious of the offer since it came right after the Israelis notified him that he had won two tickets to Game 1 of the World Series at Fenway Park and he just needed to report to Israeli military headquarters to pick them up.

Clinton's Back
Bill Clinton says he's out campaigning for John Kerry right after his quadruple bypass surgery because, "If this isn't good for my heart, I don't know what is." Actually, Clinton does know something else that's good for his heart, but if Hillary finds out he's doing it, she'll perform his next surgery herself.

Simpson Response
Responding to her embarrassing lip-syncing gaffe on Saturday Night Live, Ashlee Simpson is telling Americans, "to get your jabs in while you can, because there's too many important people behind my career to stop it now." Funny, that's what the Bush campaign has been saying all year too!

Allawi Blames U.S.
Interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi is blaming U.S. negligence for the ambush that killed 50 American-trained Iraqi soldiers this weekend. The Pentagon admits that Allawi's public complaints are the result of grave negligence -- but they promise to remember to send him his check on-time next month.

Bush Attacks
President Bush has said John Kerry's comments about the war in Iraq are killing troop morale. But the President is stopping that line of criticism, because as it turns out, what he's doing in Iraq is just killing the troops.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Clinton & Schwarzenegger
The Kerry and Bush campaigns are leaning on some star power today as Bill Clinton is making an appearance with John Kerry and Arnold Schwarzenegger will join President Bush in Ohio. So, it's not clear if both campaigns are hoping to reach undecided voters or grope them.

Ashlee Simpson Lip-Sync
After viewers heard one Ashlee Simpson song playing while she voiced the words to another on this weekend's edition of "Saturday Night Live," two things have become clear: 1) She's not really a great live singer and 2) Her sound technician must be the same guy who worked with President Bush during the debates.

Candidates World Series
With the World Series in full swing, it turns out both John Kerry and President Bush are rooting for the Red Sox. Kerry is pulling for the Sox because they're his hometown team, and Bush says Boston's two games to none lead despite making four errors in each game reminds him of how he usually gets away with everything.

Online Safety
Experts say more Internet users are getting their computers infected with viruses when they surf the web at home. The news is likely to boost sales of virus protection software and increase the number of people getting fired for looking at porn sites at work.

Satan-Worshipping Sailor
Chris Cramner, a devil-worshipping sailor in the Royal Navy, has become the first registered Satanist in the British Armed Forces. But Satan is reportedly not happy with the news, and can't understand why Cramner couldn't get a nice job as a lawyer or a politician like the rest of his followers.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Public School Theft
Police say there's been a rise of cases of students stealing money and other items from teachers in New York City public schools. But it's not clear if the student thieves are swiping more money than the teachers are already stealing from the taxpayers.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Live Appearance Alert!!! I'll be back on stage at the NY Improv next Saturday October 30th. The show starts at 7pm. Here's the NY Improv web site: NY Improv

Top 5 Most Effective Ways for President Bush to Spend the Remaining $54 Million in his Campaign War Chest

5) Buy and burn every copy of "Fahrenheit 911"

4) Throw giant flu shot party at Boca Raton retirement community

3) Make weekly payment to Halliburton

2) Make secret donations to Nader campaign to help undermine the election... oh wait, they did that already!

1) Buy month's supply of sedatives for all shocked Yankees fans

Iraq's Future
An international watchdog group says Iraq is likely to see rampant corruption in its oil industry unless the U.S. and Britain do something to combat bribery and theft of public money. But to do that, someone will first have to do something to combat bribery and the rampant theft of public money in the U.S. and Britain.

Bears Flu Shots
An Illinois health official is protesting the fact that the Chicago Bears all received flu shots this month, saying he can't understand why "top athletes in perfect shape were given special treatment." Obviously, he hasn't seen the Bears play this year.

Last Hot Dog
A Montreal Expos fan paid $2,605 for the last hot dog sold during the team's final home game before being relocated to Washington, DC. Usually if you want to spend that much money on a weenie, you have to make a donation to a political campaign.

Nolte Imposter
Nick Nolte has sent a cease-and-desist order to a man who claims to be him, and is maintaining what purports to be the actor's official online diary. The actor says he's not worried about identity theft, he's just not sure there are enough drugs and booze in the universe to sustain two Nick Noltes.

Doctor Draft?
Senior Pentagon officials say that no war or other national emergency would overwhelm the military's medical care system and require a draft of civilian doctors. But the nation's insurance companies say such a disaster would force them to hire millions more people to process medical forms and then cancel everyone's coverage anyway.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

LIVE APPEARANCE ALERT!! I'll be back on stage at the NY Improv NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT, OCTOBER 30TH!!! The show starts at 7pm. Here's the NY Improv web site: NY Improv

Red Sox Win!
The Yankees loss after owning a 3 games to none lead in the series is being called the biggest choke in sports history. But actually the biggest choke in sports history happened after the game when George Steinbrenner started strangling Joe Torre.

Red Sox Win! II
The good news for Red Sox fans is their team finally beat the Yankees and made playoff history. The bad news is that Satan is expecting payment on their agreement sometime before the end of the day.

Top 5 Other Unbelievable Things That May Happen Now that The Red Sox Have Beaten the Yankees

5) Mets will win one game

4) A completely foolish, unaccomplished tool of the international corporate powers will become President of the United States... oh wait, that's happened already

3) Hollywood will produce a movie where a man over 50 will actually have a love affair with a woman his age

2) Lucy will let Charlie Brown kick the ball

1) Alan Keyes will beat Barack Obama... oh geez, who am I kidding?

Cheney Flu Shot
Despite the nationwide shortage, Vice President Dick Cheney received a flu shot yesterday because doctors say essential government personnel need to get vaccinated. That's also the reason why President Bush isn't getting a shot this year.

Tenet's New Job
Former CIA Director George Tenet has accepted a teaching position at Georgetown University. Passing his class is expected to be easy, since he obviously doesn't know how to spot forged papers.

Bush Nascar
The Bush campaign will attend several Nascar races in the days before the election. The President's car will be easy to spot; it'll be the one with all the Halliburton stickers on it.

Rice Stumps for Bush
John Edwards is criticizing Condoleeza Rice for making several speeches in key swing states this month, saying, "it's not the job of America's military and security leaders to help get President Bush re-elected." The White angrily responded by saying: "Oh yes it is!"

No More Miss America
ABC says it will no longer broadcast the Miss America Pageant. The network says it already wasted too much time airing overly made-up people making empty statements when it broadcast the presidential debates.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

WEB ALERT!! I have a new satirical piece published on the Enduring Vision web site! Here is the link: EnduringVision


Red Sox Force Game 7
The Red Sox won last night to become the first team down 0-3 in a playoff series to force a game 7. The Red Sox didn't blow a slim late-inning lead. The Red Sox had two bad calls against them reversed. All of this happened against the Yankees in New York. Either the Messiah is here or the world is about to explode.

Top 5 New Shows Being Developed at Sinclair Broadcasting

5) Last Call with Ted Kennedy

4) Everybody hates Hillary

3) 8 Simple Ways to Annoy a Liberal

2) Will & Grace go to Hell

1) Beat the Press

Flu Vaccine Blame Game
Doctors say President Bush and John Kerry should stop using the flu vaccine shortage as a political weapon. But experts say it's very hard for Bush and Kerry not to talk about flu shots since they're a couple of pricks themselves.

Canadian Exodus
Thousands of Americans have crossed the border into Canada trying to get a flu shot. The bad news is that many of them are too late to get vaccinated, but the good news is they're not too late to avoid the draft.

Bush Threat
Even as President Bush says John Kerry would lead America into a major defeat in the war on terror, he still says Kerry is the one using "shameless scare tactics." The President clarified those comments by insisting that Kerry's scare tactics really are shameless, but only because they're nowhere near as scary as his.

New Therapy
A new pill could reduce the risk of post-traumatic stress disorder by erasing memories, which has been called "therapeutic forgetting." But it's not clear if this form of "therapeutic forgetting" will work as well for patients as it has for the Bush campaign.

Stolen Campaign Cash
While on the campaign trail, John Kerry was given a cash donation from 7 year-old Michael Benson, who said he "stole" the money from his father. But President Bush immediately retaliated against Benson and the rest of the country's 7 year-olds by raising the deficit by another $800 billion.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Lucas Award
George Lucas will receive the American Film Institute's 2005 Lifetime Achievement Award in June. Of course, giving Lucas a Lifetime Achievement Award is the polite way of saying, "please stop making movies now!"

Sinclair's Latest Move
Sinclair Broadcasting says it won't change its mind about showing an anti-John Kerry documentary right before the election. And now the company also plans on keeping Kerry's senior citizen supporters from going to the polls by airing a 24-hour "Matlock" marathon on election day.

Toilet Summit
Singapore is the setting for the World Toilet Summit, which is being held by ecological groups discussing human waste. Of course we already had a similar summit in the U.S. this summer, but we called it the Republican National Convention

D&D Anniversary
This Saturday, Dungeons and Dragons players gathered in game stores around the country to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the fantasy role-playing game. Actually, it's not clear if they were all there to celebrate the anniversary, or just doing what they always on Saturday... which is hang out all day at game stores.

Social Security Benefits
The federal government is boosting Social Security benefits by about $25 per month. The money should help seniors pay heating bills, buy groceries, and get a good stick to whack people who try to cut in front of them in the flu shot line.

Box Office Winner
For the third week in a row, the number one movie at the box office was Shark Tale, which made 22.1 million dollars. But that's only because the 500 million lawyers in America thought it was about them.

Navy Dress Code
The U.S. Navy will now allow female officers to wear skirts in an effort to encourage more women to join the service. But for men, wearing a skirt is still the best way to get out of the service.

Jeb's Not Running
Jeb Bush says he won't be a candidate for the White House in 2008. But that's only because none of his brothers will be able to replace him as Governor of Florida in time to fix the election for him.

Monday, October 18, 2004

A SPECIAL THANKS To all the great people who came out to my political stand up comedy show last night at Stand Up NY! The turnout was great, and I think all would agree the perfomers were top notch. Stay tuned for more announcements about my upcoming shows

Army Mutiny?
Controversy is swirling after a supply platoon refused an order to make a dangerous fuel shipment in Iraq. The Pentagon says refusing orders is unacceptable, especially when everyone knows that all you have to do to get out of dangerous duty in the Army is say that you're gay.

Top 5 Real Reasons the Army Supply Team Refused Orders to Drive the Convoy

5) They only have one CD in the Hum-V and it's "Frampton Comes Alive"

4) Enlisted men in the back seat keep asking "are we there yet?" every five minutes

3) No matter how heroic they are, the Swift Boat Captains for Truth will smear them in about 35 years anyway

2) Jerk at the Halliburton filling station won't take the Discover Card

1) Wanna deal with a REAL WMD? Try smelling some of the Iraqi roadside rest stops!

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Tribune Endorses Bush
The Chicago Tribune endorsed President Bush for re-election today. Readers are shocked that any newspaper would support Bush, considering the fact that he's never even read one.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Yankees-Red Sox Rained Out
Last night's Yankees-Red Sox playoff game at Fenway Park was rained out. But just to make sure the team still had its usual effect on the town, several Yankee players went door to door and stole all the kids' candy.

Friday, October 15, 2004

Cheneys Mad?
Dick Cheney says he's angry that John Kerry brought up his daughter's homosexuality during the final debate. Cheney says he's the only one who can mention his daughter to score cheap political points, and if Kerry wants to do that kind of thing he can go get his own gay daughter!

Sinclair Responds
Sinclair Broadcasting now says it won't offer equal time to John Kerry after it airs a 90-minute anti-Kerry film on all 62 of its TV stations nationwide. The company says that's because it already broadcast 4 1/2 hours of programming that made President Bush look terrible -- the presidential debates.

Prince Harry a Cheater?
A prep school teacher says she has evidence that Prince Harry of England cheated on an exam when he was at school. The news comes as a shock, especially since Harry worked so hard to become a prince in the first place.

Asexual Study
A new study says that about only one percent of adults have no interest in sex, surprising most researchers who thought the number was much higher. The results prove that it's best not to ask women whether they're interested in sex when it's likely they've just been watching one of the presidential debates.

College Preparedness
A new report shows that 78% of American high school seniors aren't ready for college. Of course that's not surprising since most 18-year olds don't have $120,000 lying around.

Tiger's Yacht Boarded
The Coast Guard stopped and boarded Tiger Woods' yacht during his honeymoon cruise because it illegally drifted into Puerto Rican waters. But Woods immediately solved the problem by buying Puerto Rico.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column of today's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

O'Reilly Accused
A female FOX News producer is accusing Bill O'Reilly of sexual harassment, including subjecting her to unwanted phone sex during the GOP Convention this summer. But O'Reilly's lawyers say the phone sex complaint during the convention is baseless, since everyone knows FOX News anchors often sound like they're sexually aroused when they cover Republican events.

Homosexuality a Choice?
During last night's debate both candidates were asked if Homosexuality is a choice. Well it isn't now, but it sure will be for lots of Americans if we reinstate the draft.

Job Re-Training
When asked what he would do for Americans who have lost their jobs, President Bush said he was working hard to see to it that they can go to college. Unfortunately, that college is the University of Baghdad.

Debate Wives
Both President Bush and John Kerry were asked to discuss the most important thing they get from their wives. President Bush thanked Laura for agreeing to make speeches for him on the campaign trail, and John Kerry thanked Teresa for agreeing to give him a bigger allowance.

FOX Upset
The FOX network is complaining about the fact that the presidential debates have been scheduled at the same time as some key baseball playoff games, thus hurting their ratings. And the Bush administration is complaining about the fact that the debates have been scheduled during the President's usual nap time, thus hurting his ratings.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Bush Attacks Kerry
President Bush is attacking John Kerry's Senate record, saying "he can run, but he cannot hide." Now if the President would just start to think the same way about Osama bin Laden, maybe we'll catch him one of these days.

Obama-Keyes Debate
The first Illinois senate debate last night between Barack Obama and Alan Keyes was not televised. Obama didn't want his supporters to have to choose between watching him and seeing the baseball playoffs, and Keyes didn't want his supporters to have to choose between watching him and seeing the Virgin Mary.

Glass Ceiling Broken?
A new study shows a significantly rising number of corporations are finally hiring women to top executive positions. The good news about that is girls will now have a lot more role models in business, the bad news is that now we'll have to start building a lot more women's prisons.

Senator Closes Offices
Senator Mark Dayton of Minnesota says he's closing his Washington offices until after the election because he's worried about a possible terrorist attack. Great! Now not only is terrorism a scare tactic Politicians can use to get votes, but now they're using it as an excuse to take longer vacations too!

Health Chip
The Food and Drug Administration has approved an implantable computer chip that can pass a person's medical details to doctors, and help locate a patient anywhere in the world. Doctors love the idea, but not as much as the folks who collect hospital bills.

Britney Name Change
Britney Spears wants to use her new married name, Britney Federline, but she says she doesn't expect people to call her something new. And she's right, because no matter who she marries, most of us are just too used to calling her an idiot.

Coma Arrest
A Nevada man who emerged from a two-month coma was arrested immediately after regaining consciousness on several criminal charges. The story is providing hope that President Bush will also be made accountable one day if he ever wakes up.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Massachusetts Poll
Even though John Kerry has solid support in his home state, polls show that most Massachusetts residents believe President Bush will still win re-election. Obviously rooting for the Red Sox has begun to affect the way people in Massachusetts see everything.

Bush Bulge
Rumors are swirling about a mysterious bulge on President Bush's back that was visible during both debates. It's funny how the media decides to focus on different things; with Bush it's a bulge on his back, with Clinton it was the bulge in his pants.

Bush Bulge II
Several reports speculate that the bulge under Bush's jacket was actually a transmitter through which he was fed debate answers. Bush aides strongly deny they were feeding him any answers, and promise they only used the transmitter to help him understand the questions.

Bush Attacks Kerry
President Bush is attacking John Kerry for saying that he hopes to make terrorism just "a nuisance." Bush says it shows that Kerry lacks the judgment to be president if he doesn't see terrorism for what it really is to him: a good excuse.

Kerry on Terror
In a new interview, John Kerry says the U.S. will never totally get rid of terrorism just like we'll never get rid of prostitution and illegal gambling. Those comments on terror are worrying some voters, but his views on prostitution and gambling are coming as a huge relief to Bill Clinton and Bill Bennett.

Russian Space Training
In an effort to mimic the stresses and challenges of a possible manned mission to Mars, the Russian space program is locking six cosmonauts in a tube where they won't have decent food, toilets or shower facilities for 500 straight days. In other words, for the next 500 days those lucky cosmonauts will be living better than just about everyone else in Russia!

Monday, October 11, 2004

Reeve's Death
John Kerry is showing remarkable restraint in his fight for stem cell research, despite the recent death of Christopher Reeve. Speaking at a campaign event today, Kerry said that "even though President Bush has killed Superman, I promise not use Christopher Reeve's death for political purposes."

TV Specials
Critics are attacking Sinclair Broadcasting for its decision to air a documentary attacking John Kerry's protests against the Vietnam War, titled "Stolen Honor." Of course, CBS already has a primetime hit show all about President Bush's service in the National Guard during the Vietnam War... it's called "Without a Trace."

Tax Bill Agreement
The Senate has finally cleared the way for a new tax cut after some Democrats insisted it include better pay for the National Guard. The Bush administration says a pay raise is a good idea, it just didn't like the part of the bill that said the guardsmen actually have to show up for duty before getting it.

Bush on the Stump
President Bush is touting his administration's stand against corporate scandals saying he, "will not tolerate dishonesty in the boardrooms of America"... thus delighting his supporters who hope to keep all the dishonesty in the White House for another four years.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

New England Winter
Forecasters are split over whether this will be a horribly frigid winter for New England or relatively mild. But figuring out just how cold the next few months will be for most New Englanders really only depends on whether the Red Sox can beat the Yankees in the playoffs.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Bush-Kerry 2nd Debate
The good news is that during last night's second debate, John Kerry looked straight into the camera and said: "I promise not to raise your taxes." The bad news is that Kerry really was only referring to sales taxes on TV cameras.

Bush-Kerry 2nd Debate II
During last night's second debate, President Bush admitted he's made some mistakes by appointing some of the wrong people to office 4 years ago. But when it comes to putting the wrong people in office 4 years ago, most Americans are mostly angry at the Supreme Court.

Bush Timber Company
During last night's second debate, President Bush appeared to be unaware that he earned $84 last year from a timber company he owns. But the White House now insists that it was an easy mistake, since $84 is also the monthly allowance he gets from Dick Cheney.

Bush No WMD's
Despite the lack of WMD's, President Bush insists that invading Iraq was the right thing to do because Americans can "never trust the word of a madman." But if the President really believes that, why does he continue to allow Zell Miller to speak for him on the campaign trail?

Bush No WMD's II
Despite the lack of WMD's, President Bush insists that invading Iraq was the right thing to do because Americans can "never trust the word of a madman." Saddam Hussein's lawyers are reacting to that by promising to call President Bush as their first expert witness when they launch an insanity defense.

Friday, October 08, 2004

UPDATE!!! It looks like a LIVE TV CREW will be covering the show on the 17th! So come on down and be famous!!!

Martha's New Life
The first words Martha Stewart heard this morning from her new chain gang boss were: "What we have here... is a failure to decorate."

Martha's New Life II
Martha Stewart will now be doing menial jobs in the prison for about 14 cents an hour... still better than what the people making her bed sheets earn per day in China.

Tax Cuts
Voters are wondering what the difference is between President Bush and John Kerry since they both supported the latest tax cut bill. For Bush, big tax cuts for the wealthy is a way of rewarding his core supporters -- for Kerry, big tax cuts for the wealthy means he'll be getting a better allowance from Teresa.

Depression Day
Yesterday was National Depression Screening Day, as screening stations were set up across the country to measure and treat people suffering from depression. Of course there already is a special time when we find out just how depressed Americans are... it's called "Election Day."

Limbo Description
The Pope has asked theologians to come up with "a more coherent and enlightened way" of describing the state of limbo between Heaven and Hell, which in Catholicism is where un-baptized babies go if they die. One attempt describes it like going to an amusement park... but it's the amusement park at Michael Jackson's house.

No Murders in Chicago
On Monday night, for the first time in five years, there were no murders or shootings in Chicago. But the city's murderers promise that as soon as they can stop laughing at Allen Keyes' senate candidacy, they'll get back to killing people as much as possible.

Black Couples
According to a new report, nearly half of Black same-sex couples have lived in the same residence for at least five years. Of course, if you were Black and gay, it's a good bet you wouldn't go out of the house too much either.

A new report proves Saddam Hussein destroyed all of this weapons of mass destruction in 1991. But President Bush still refuses to apologize for invading Iraq, because he was still busy getting stoned and drunk in 1991 to realize what was going on.

Kid Movies
The good news is that a new company, KidPix Productions, is offering a new service which provides kids with everything they need to make their own movies. The bad news is that KidPix Productions is owned by Michael Jackson.

Bennington Nudity
Hundreds of Bennington College students are protesting for the right to be naked on campus. Since they go to the nation's most expensive school, the students feel that doing without adequate clothing is the best way to bond with their parents.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in Newsday today! Here's the link: NEWSDAY

Bush Nobel Prize
Some Bush supporters say they believe the President should win the Nobel Peace Prize this year for ridding the world of Saddam Hussein. But experts say Bush's conduct during and after the war has a much better chance of winning the Nobel Prize for Fiction.

Mount Saint Helens Warning
Geologists are now reducing the warning levels at Mount Saint Helens. Experts say that after wresting several days worth of news coverage away from the hurricanes, the volcano now feels more appreciated and has made its point.

Mount Saint Helens Warning II
Geologists are now reducing the warning levels at Mount Saint Helens. But they warn that the volcano may follow the lead set by the Department of Homeland Security, and suddenly threaten to erupt again if President Bush's poll numbers continue to drop.

Lewis to Prison
Baltimore Ravens star Jamal Lewis has agreed to a plea deal and will go to jail after the season.. Meanwhile, dozens of NFL players are already serving hard time during the season... but those are just the ones playing for the Dolphins.

Edwards Attacks
John Edwards continues to say that Dick Cheney is "not being straight with the American people." Cheney responded by angrily denying that and reminding everyone that his daughter is the one who isn't straight.

Bush Attacks
President Bush continues to say he's different from John Kerry because Kerry says the U.S. should pass a "global test" before we attack another country. The President says he has nothing against diplomacy, but he's just never been able to pass a test.

Louisiana Ruling
A judge in Louisiana threw out a state constitutional amendment banning gay marriage this week. The judge says before the state tries to stop men from marrying each other, it really needs to stop men from marrying their sisters.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

GREAT NEWS!! I was chosen as one of the "winners" of Saturday night's stand up comedy competition and will move into the next round of the Telepictures talent search! The next round is probably going to be in November, so stay tuned for info!

Vice Presidential Debate
The good news is that no matter who wins the election, Americans can rest easy. That's because during last night's debate, both Dick Cheney and John Edwards showed they can definitely put most of America to sleep.

Bush Reaction
After watching last night's impressive performance on TV, President Bush is changing his strategy for Friday night's debate... he's going to ask Minnesota Twins pitcher Johan Santana to go up against John Kerry instead.

Cheney 9/11
According to a new report, members of the 9/11 commission doubt Dick Cheney had received the authority from President Bush before Cheney issued the order to shoot down a commercial aircraft on September 11th. But President Bush now says that he would have given Cheney the authority to do so, but only if Cheney had told him it was okay first.

Paris a Racist?
Paris Hilton insists she is not discriminatory despite reports that a new tape shows her calling two Black men the "N" word. But experts are reminding the public that just because Hilton never discriminates about whom she sleeps with, it doesn't mean she's not a racist.

Howard Stern to Satellite
Shock Jock Howard Stern has announced he's moving his show to satellite radio. That means the first thing that alien life forms will learn about human biology is that we often fart.

Bush Threat
While speaking in Iowa, President Bush criticized John Kerry saying, "The policies of my opponent are dangerous for world peace." Of course what the President meant to say was that John Kerry's policies are dangerous because they might bring world peace.

Kerry Attack
While speaking about the merits of stem-cell research, John Kerry warned that George Bush favors "Extreme right-wing ideology" and special interest over science. The White House brushed off the attack, saying it's pretty clear to the American public that President Bush has never chosen science over anything in his whole life.

Jackson/Beatles Catalog
Michael Jackson may sell his share of the rights to the Beatles music catalog to Sony Music for an estimated 500 million dollars. Mostly because Jackson has found that most 6 year old boys these days have never even heard of the Beatles

Organ Removal Crime
Two Colorado hospitals are accused of homicide after removing a man's heart, liver, and kidneys before he was officially declared brain dead. The story is especially shocking because usually a living patient's vital organs are only removed by the insurance company.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

WEB ALERT!!! I have a new story published on the Enduring Vision web site. Here's the link:

Cheney Attacks Edwards
On the eve of their debate, Vice President Dick Cheney is attacking John Edwards, calling him the kind of trial lawyer responsible for raising health care costs. Edwards shot back by saying that healthcare costs are really jacked up because of people like Cheney who keep ordering new pacemakers every six months.

Bush Military Support
According to an unofficial survey, members of the US military in Iraq and Afghanistan support George Bush's reelection by a ratio of 4 to 1. So just think how popular Bush would be with the troops if he weren't sending them to a certain grisly death!

Trying Saddam
U.S. authorities are finding it almost impossible to bring Saddam Hussein to trial. That's because investigators can't find lost or stolen documents, dig up bodies as evidence, or teach Judge Judy how to snap at people in Arabic.

Bremer Admission
The former U.S. civilian administrator in Iraq, L. Paul Bremer, now admits the U.S. never had enough troops in Iraq to keep order. But that's because at least 10,000 soldiers were needed to guard Bremer's tie and suit collection at all times.

Bremer Admission II
The former U.S. civilian administrator in Iraq, L. Paul Bremer, now admits the U.S. never had enough troops in Iraq to keep order. But that's because visiting Halliburton execs kept demanding heavy protection from kidnappers, insurgents, and Pentagon auditors.

Afghan Election
Election officials in Afghanistan are preparing for Saturday's election, and have to use donkeys to get ballot boxes to some of the villages. But it's not clear if they'll need as many asses as we see in U.S. during election season.

Paltrow Complaint
Gwyneth Paltrow says that because she's an American living abroad, she's often forced to explain the questionable things done by the Bush administration. But other Americans living abroad say that's still easier than having to explain the questionable things done by Gwyneth Paltrow.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Vice-Presidential Debate Preps
John Edwards and Dick Cheney are preparing for tomorrow's night debate by fine-tuning their best skills. Edwards is working on some of the speaking techniques he used when he was a trial lawyer, and Dick Cheney is working on having Edwards killed.

X Prize Winner
SpaceShipOne has won the $10 million "X Prize." It's not clear what's more impressive: the fact that it's the first privately-owned aircraft to reach outer space twice in less than 14 days, or the fact that it's the first American aircraft to take off and land on-time in 14 years.

Leigh Dead
Actress Janet Leigh died Sunday at age 77. Leigh's death is being mourned mostly by the French, who were extremely grateful that her work in "Psycho" briefly made it socially acceptable to not shower for days on end.

Statue Sculptor Remembered
A ceremony was held at the Statue of Liberty this weekend to mark the 100th anniversary of the death of the Statue's creator, Frederic Auguste Bartholdi. Attending the event were historians, art-lovers, and Bush campaign supporters who heard it was a party to celebrate the death of a Frenchman.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

A SPECIAL THANK YOU to everyone who came to my stand-up performance last night at the NY Improv! It was one of my best shows ever, and a huge amount of money was raised to fight MS! Thanks again!

Bush Attack
President Bush is attacking John Kerry for saying the U.S. shouldn't start a war until the reasons for fighting pass a "global test." Bush is ridiculing Kerry for putting the security of America in the hands of all the other countries on Earth and not even bothering to consult the Klingons, the Romulans, and the Vulcans.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Tickets Returned
10 New Jersey kids are being called "heroic and kind" for returning dozens of Yankee playoff tickets they found on the street to their rightful owners. But ten other kids from Queens are being called even more heroic and kind for NOT returning to their owners dozens of Mets tickets they found in the trash can.

Scalia Clears it Up
A furious Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia says he was quoted out of context during a discussion on the legality of group sex, and in now way condones orgies. In a related story, a furious Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas wants to make it clear that tonight's orgy is still on for tonight at his house.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Debate Threat
During last night's debate, President Bush and John Kerry agreed that the biggest threat facing America is the chance that nuclear weapons could get into the hands of a terrorist network. The only difference is the President believes that terrorist network is CBS.

Debate Russia
In last night's debate, President Bush said he was very concerned about Russian President Putin's decision to eliminate democratic rights, all in the name of fighting terrorism. But of course the President always hates it when people steal his best ideas.

Debate Reaction
A quick poll of Americans who watched the debate on TV Thursday night found that 53% thought John Kerry did a better job, 37% thought President Bush prevailed, and the other 10% were angry that Donald Trump didn't fire anybody.

Women Athletes
According to a new study, by the year 2156, female athletes will have closed the gender gap enough so that they will be able to beat men in Olympic events. The news is shocking sports fans who can't believe it's going to take women more than 150 years just to get the same steroids the men are taking now.

Pacemaker Gorilla
Doctors in Alabama say they've completed a surgery that has made the local Zoo's resident ape the first gorilla to receive an advanced pacemaker. But if that's really true, it must mean that Dick Cheney's pacemaker is out of date.

Lennon Files
A federal judge ordered the U.S. government to hand over the secret files the FBI kept on John Lennon in the 1970's. But researchers are disappointed because the files have no information on why the Hell John stayed with Yoko for so long.